New Story by Lisa

[BondiLisa]

Hi, I have posted a couple of chapters of a new story recently and would appreciate any feedback. I have tried to put a little more soul into the characters in these stories.

You can find the stories here:
Notorious
Notorious Ch. 02

 

[jello_man]

I read the first chapter of your story and really enjoyed it. You did a great job of capturing the main female character. Very descriptive scenes....good job.

 

[Alive_1]

Hi, I have posted a couple of chapters of a new story recently and would appreciate any feedback. I have tried to put a little more soul into the characters in these stories.

You can find the stories here:
Notorious
Notorious Ch. 02

yes you have and if they truly reflect you, and your passions, any man would be nuts not to bed you as often as possible

 

[BondiLisa]

Thanks guys for your kind words, I'm also interested in areas that I can improve, I enjoy writing and enjoy becoming a better writer.

 

[BondiLisa]

I have just posted Chapter 3 of Notorious any feedback is greatly appreciated.

Lisa

 

[BondiLisa]

Chapter 5 of Notorious has just been approved. In this chapter we learn more about Lisa's exhibitionist nature. You can find it here, any feedback is most welcome.

I'm really enjoying writing the Notorious series and I think the stories are getting better with every chapter as we learn more about Lisa and the consequences of her actions start to mount up.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Notroious

Pretty good story. The plot moves right into the action and the writing was good. I have to say, this is one of the first first-timer stories I've seen in a while where you got the punctuation of the quotions correct.

I do have a couple of comments. First look at the first seven paragrapshs. Of the first seven, five begin with "I". That's a product of the first person POV and one of the reasons I don't use it much.

The other thing is some of your conversations run 10 spoken lines or longer without tags. That gets confusing. Try and limit the number of spoken lines for four or five between tags. Also, when you do use tags it is consistantly "he replied." or "he said>" Try and mix that up a bit.

These things a really minor compared to the story in general. The terrible Jenny Jackson hates to ever say it, but you did good. Keep it up.

JJ

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi Lisa and welcome

I caught up with your first 2 chapters a week or two ago but didn't have time to post a reply. I'm glad I waited until part 5.

You write well, the votes and reaction tell you that, and, girl, you write great sex. I am really enjoying the Notorious ride so far.

You want more soul-searching but I'm scared you are boxing yourself into a corner. Picking up on Jenny's point of first person, it is hard to write and means that you can never know what is going on when 'I' is not present. Also, you can't give anyone else's thoughts.

I say this because I see difficulties looming. Already, I am beginning to wonder what Ezra and co. are thinking and as you develop further, they risk just staying two dimensional characters. How will we find out what they really think of 'you'? Despite your good intentions you risk letting Nostalgia become a stroke piece. It is much better than that.

The tension of a story depends on the conflicts between the characters. I thought you did this brilliantly in your Val Day story. That was oozing with subsumed desire - also in third person and more relaxed sentence structure.

The emotion and passion were great there.

In summary, I enjoy your writing and applaud your skills. Given your mission statement, I suggest you explore third person more - it gives more scope to deal with relationships.

BTW, you should let Jenny know you're not quite the first-timer she took you for. Keep flagging up your posts, please.

You're good.

Elle

 

[Omerikon]

Also, when you do use tags it is consistantly "he replied." or "he said>" Try and mix that up a bit.

I recommend the opposite. "He said"/"She said" is transparent and should be used primarily, if not exclusively. When you start trying to get clever, it's a long, dark path towards Swiftian dialogue attribution.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I recommend the opposite. "He said"/"She said" is transparent and should be used primarily, if not exclusively. When you start trying to get clever, it's a long, dark path towards Swiftian dialogue attribution.

Omerikon, you're dead right, but I think you miss the point. I'm a total believer in 'said' - against, 'sighed', 'purred', or whatever - but you can overdo it.

The idea of giving a tag without giving a tag is a common trick. Poor example but;

"Simon, you're an unreformed macho pig." Alice shook her head as she turned away.

All you have to do is give a steer. Readers have brains.

 

[Omerikon]

I gotcha, and I agree.

 

[BondiLisa]

Thanks everyone for the feedback, I really appreciate it.

I've been working on the tags for the dialog. In my earlier stories, I pretty much had he said / I said for every line of dialog. I found all those saids to get a little annoying, so I began to drop them when I thought there was enough context to still know who was talking. In my most recent writing I have been naming the characters in the dialog as Elle has suggested, possibly a little less natural than real speech, but I'm thinking probably the most natural when read.

I agree with the objections to she purred, I think they should be used sparingly, and only when the character really is purring, etc.

I found after the first few chapters that first person was becoming restrictive. There are dialogs between the boys I really want to express, I'm having to get creative to get across the kinds of things they are saying, which is an interesting exercise in itself. Despite the difficulties, some types of stories work really well in first person, I think one of the things people like about Notorious is that you get a sense of reading Lisa's diary as you read, it's much more personal.

Anyway, the next story I have planned will be third person.


A question I have about The Last Straw, is which category should it be in? I was mostly leaning towards erotic couplings, but it's not really raunchy, it's kind of tender, not romantic in the traditional sense but I think it is romantic, I didn't want to put it in loving wives, because I don't really think she is cheating.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.


Thanks again for the feedback, I do appreciate it.

Lisa
xxx

Thanks again for getting back to me.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

A question I have about The Last Straw, is which category should it be in? I was mostly leaning towards erotic couplings, but it's not really raunchy, it's kind of tender, not romantic in the traditional sense but I think it is romantic, I didn't want to put it in loving wives, because I don't really think she is cheating.

My rule of thumb : Avoid Loving Wives like the Black Death. If in doubt and it's not funny, go with Romance.

 

[BondiLisa]

Thanks for the advice Jenny, I've heard that before. It's a bit of a shame they are so rabid.

And thanks for the great review of Notorious.

Elle suggested I should let you know that I do have quite a few stories posted. I must admit my first story was rejected because of the dialogue punctuation, I read the how-to and fixed it up though.

 

[BondiLisa]

Notorious Chapter 6 is available

Chapter 6 of Notorious has just been approved. In this chapter we learn a little about what people are saying about Lisa and he worry that she may be going too far. We learn a little about what turns her on as well.

You can find it here

 

[elfin_odalisque]

In part 6, you still write well, you still write great sex and you give her thoughts well.

However, your first 4 paragraphs begin with 'I', always a problem with first person.

Thinking about your comment on first person and reading the threesome, I can see where you could escape the straitjacket a bit. Even when 'I' is around, you don't let Jim and Paul talk to each other while 'I' is listening. It is a threesome but, with one exception, there is no dialogue (trialogue?).

Why couldn't ' I look at Jim whilst Paul is deep inside me and read the confused message of lust and uncertainty shown on his face'? Or something better written than that. Jim and Paul could have a 3-way conversation with 'I' - with a few grunts thrown in perhaps.

When you have got 2 or more other characters present, you can let them talk between themselves in 'I''s presence. Also, you can have her overhearing conversations.

That said, it is great stuff and you should be really pleased with yourself.

Elle

 

[Ganyeka]

I have read the whole Notorious series now, and I think they are outstanding. There is an immediacy to them, and I like how the (your?) character is revealed more as it progresses. I'll never look at Bondi the same way again....

 

[BondiLisa]

Thanks all for the feedback. If it has seemed that I have not taken some of the suggestions on board that is only because when I was writing back in January I had usually finished a few more chapters by the time one was posted.

I'm working on Notorious chapter 9 at the moment, it's slow going because my life seems a whole lot busier these days (well I was on vacation back in January which helped) but all of the feedback I have received is incorporated, and I am hoping this will be one of my best stories so far.

Thanks especially to Elfin, and Ganyeka it is very nice to hear I have had such an impact