New Story: A Little Bit O' Monica (By My Side)

[PatPowers]

I've written a new story, called "A Little Bit O' Monica" about a girl who gets into dancing, loses a lot of weight, and realizes that going to DragonCon means that instead of going around wearing a costume for four days and hugging cute boys, she can go around dressed in next to nothing for four days and hugging cute boys. And since she's turned 18, she can do more than that ...

A Little Bit O' Monica

All constructive criticism and comments are welcome. Undeserved praise, too.

 

[NaughtySmirk]

I read the beginning of the story, and am looking forward to reading the rest. There are some very good things going - you're certainly convincing me to be attracted to the main character. sexy nerdy girls are hot.
As far as criticism goes, I would be careful of the dialogue. Sometimes the characters' voices sound a little too similar to the narrator's voice. What they say seems to be very telling about their characters, but the way they say it doesn't always sound like spontaneous speech.
And be careful of run on sentences.

All in all I like it though, and will comment more when I've read it all.
Cheers!