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[Delicious Blonde]

Hi everybody!...have you noticed the Delicious Blonde stories yet?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=216565

I'm hoping for some constructive criticism that might help take me to the next level...advice on better diction, punctuation, etc.. and advice on selling stories and getting more exposure. anyone?

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Punctuation mainly

I chose The Plan as it was the earliest of the three, and the other Cindy story looked like it might follow on from this.

Ordinarily I don't like picking up tiny points of punctuation, and would prefer to discuss larger issues of style, but as you particularly ask about punctuation and diction, there are a couple of things. You're pretty much spot on all the time: these are only minor quibbles, and you obviously know what you're doing.

There are two mistakes you repeat: 'mistakes', in the sense that the convention in printed books is never to do it this way. One, when quoted speech ends in a question mark or exclamation mark, one doesn't use a comma after the quotation. So you write:

“You mean besides having plenty of money?,” I asked him

and
“I bet Sandy just loves that!,” I laughed.

but it shouldn't be there: it's used instead of a full stop or zero, but not when the stronger marks are used.

The second thing is that you're using semicolons where colons would be much more standard. A semicolon is really just a pause between clauses, with no especial connexion between the two parts. A colon is used when you want to make them consequent or explanatory: the clause after follows from or expands on the one before.

and don’t forget; I’d be eating my first pussy soon

He’s the entrepreneurial type; a slick operator, really

Not Doug; Douglas

and in most of the other places you use a semicolon. You should be able to replace a semicolon by a full stop and get two independent sentences. The semicolon is a metrical device that draws them closer together in thought but doesn't alter the grammar. Whereas if the two parts are inseparable, the second proceeding from the first, as in the examples above, it needs to be a colon.

Diction. Well, you've chosen a certain style, and it's conversational and exclamatory, so I suppose I mustn't complain that too many sentences end in exclamation marks; but I would point out the repeated use of lengthening: it was soooo hot, or soooo hard. You really ought to try to find words to convey this rather than graphic devices.

 

[Delicious Blonde]

Thanks so much, Rainbow! That's just exactly the kind of thing I was looking for. Sometimes I think I'm having a torrid love affair with a semicolon. The things you point out are exactly the things I wasn't paying attention to in class. Thanks for the thoughtful insight!

 

[julian61model]

Hot Story

Hi Blonde,

Enjoyed your first story very much, mmm I didn't even get to the end before cumming!

Will post u again