New Stories

[usmcordie]

Adventurous Loving Wife... 3 new stories...

Okay, Taking advice of the seasoned vets here in the community, I have improved my plea for feedback on my first attempts. This is a three part mini-series. Please check it out and drop me some feed back.


Andventurous Loving Wife Series:
An Afternoon by the Pool Part I

An Afternoon by the Pool Part II

An Afternoon by the Pool Part III

Please let me know what you think about them.

v/r

usmcordie

 

[Guest]

If I may offer a few comments?

First - Good for you for listening and taking the advice of Ms. openthighs and others! Yes!

I have only read the first chapter so far but I have a few comments that I think may improve your overall writing.

This is the second paragraph of your story.

The weather was perfect, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, the temperature was in the low nineties and there was just the slightest breeze. Not wanting to waste any of this long awaited treat she spread her towel out on her favorite lounge and turned it so as to get the best exposure to the sun. Taking a sip of the cool drink she delighted in the feel that the light, cool and creamy fluid left in her throat; how she did love her Irish Cream Liquor over ice. Not skipping a beat, she turned her attentions to applying the dark tanning oil to her exposed skin. Slowly, she applied it to her arms, face and shoulders lavishing in the slippery sensation that the oil under her hand left her with. She then applied it generously to her feet, legs and thighs making sure that every inch was evenly covered. As she massaged the tropical oil in her mind wandered to a thought that seemed to come more and more often when she was all alone.

First - I think your paragraphs should be a bit shorter. Reading stories on-line is difficult when there is long, unbroken script consisting of 8-10 lines. This isn't a big problem and can be easily fixed.

Secondly - Your sentences do have the tendency to run-on a bit (which goes along with the paragraph length). You have good content and interesting descriptions. Take your time with this - don't include all of it in one sentence.

I'm going to say the same things you did but I'll just break it up a bit.

The weather was perfect; there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Though the temperature was in the low nineties it was cooled by a slight breeze.

She didn't want to waste a minute of this long awaited treat. Placing her drink on the table, she spread a towel on her favorite lounge and then turned it to get the best exposure to the sun.

Settling herself in her chair, adjusting her suit, she took a sip of the cool drink. Mmmm. Closing her eyes in delight she let the light, cool and creamy fluid trickle down her throat; how she loved her Irish Cream Liquor over ice.

She picked up the bottle of tanning oil and began to slowly apply it to her exposed skin. Starting with her face and neck she then caressed her arms and shoulders with the oil, lavishing in the slippery sensations.

Next she coated her thighs and calves, making sure every inch of her flesh was glistening. As her hands traced the path of the tropical oil back up her long legs she couldn't stop her mind from wandering.

It seemed lately, whenever she was alone, she began to daydream. . .

My version is a bit choppy, but I didn't want to change your wording too much. Each smaller paragraph should be fleshed out with more descriptors, perhaps even another short sentence.

Take your time - draw things out - give us more intimate details of everything - sensations, sounds, feelings.

Kim - the main character - I love the peek inside her head but I'd like to know more about her (and I also wanted to know her name earlier in the story).

It's a sexy story, nicely told. But be careful of the trap - don't get to the action so quickly - make sure the reader is teased and titillated!

(hope some of this helps)

Good luck!

 

[usmcordie]

Outstanding

SSS,

Excellent. I appreciate you candid comments and advice. I will give it a try. These things just fly out of my head sometimes. I do appreciate your assit completely.

I will attempt to heed your advice in my next submissions.

Ciao

USMCORDIE

 

[Guest]

You are very welcome (and it takes a lot of guts to put your work up for scrutiny in this way)!

 

[the_bragis]

Adding to the excellent advice you have already received.

Hello usmcordie,

You know it’s kind of interesting, the first thing that struck me when I opened up your story was – there’s no dialog. Reading it through though, I'm not entirely sure it needed it, and it would be difficult to include. The other thing that struck me was – what’s it doing in the ‘Loving Wives’ category? These stories usually consist of the wife and at least one other person, (and the husband). This story is all about Kim’s self pleasure, and these nothing at all wrong with that, it’s just not what readers might expect to find in LW. Personally I would have slotted it into ‘Toys and Masturbation’.

Your story is good. I especially like this line –“.. she delighted in the feel that the light, cool and creamy fluid left in her throat;” It’s cheeky and very suggestive. The sex is well done and it’s easy to follow. In fact there are some really nice descriptions there.

Now don’t I just feel like the midget calling the munchkin short when I say this, but there are a few little hiccups in your story that a good proof read or editor would pick up. Nothing major, just odd little things like weather, should be whether when talking about whether or not. Damned spell checker just can't pick those up.

I think too perhaps you could have introduced her name at the beginning of your story, that would have broken down the number of ‘she’ sentences. You didn’t mention her name at all to begin with, then half way through, it was Kim this, Kim that, Kim twice in one sentence at one point. A even balance would be a smoother read in my opinion.

I noted too a few places where words are repeated very closely together. That’s not a big deal, but it does tend to bog down an otherwise good read. E.g. “The first half of the day had gone slowly for her; the kids were off to school and after school they would be off from there straight to a friend’s house for a weekend sleep over party.” Might read better as: “The first half of the day had gone slowly for her; the kids were off to school. Afterwards they would go straight to a friend’s house for a weekend sleep over party.

Overall, very nicely done. I look forward to reading the other chapters a little later.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day.

Alex (fem).

 

[usmcordie]

Soaking it up

Thanks Alex!

This is really wonderful. I have gotten some extremely constructive opinion, advice and critisism here thus far. I am really trying to soak it all up and put it to work in my next effort.

I remember when I wrote these chapters. About a year ago, I was deployed to the desert with my unit and in what little down time I had I put my thought to paper. I think about what you have said here and it makes perfect sence. I know how the transitions from she to Kim came about and could almost tell you the situation. Each chapter may have taken a few days each to compile.

Another truism here is that the spell check does miss things like wheather and whether. What I know now is that there are folks in the community who would proof my work and lend their advice.

Being a "Bad Ass" Marine, it is a little difficult to look to the guy next to me and say "Hey Jarhead, would you proof read some erotica that I have written." It just doesn't quite sing if you know what I mean.

Any hew, thanks again and please don't hesitate to hit me again when you are able to digest my other chapters.

Ciao,

USMCORDIE

 

[usmcordie]

One more thing

Alex,

I forgot to mention that the reason for placing this into the Loving Wives catagory will reveal itself in the suceeding chapters. I don't want to spoil it but it will come around (I hope).

Thanks much.

v/r

USMCORDIE

 

[Guest]

Re: One more thing

Alex,

I forgot to mention that the reason for placing this into the Loving Wives catagory will reveal itself in the suceeding chapters. I don't want to spoil it but it will come around (I hope).

Thanks much.

v/r

USMCORDIE

That's a good point, but you really don't have to have all chapters of the same story in the same category.

In fact, it may even increase your reader base if you wind up crossing categories during the series.

(Actually I'm about to do this with my Toy Story series - I put the first two in anal, but the next one is probably going to be in Group Sex.)

But it's always your call. This site is terrific for writers; you have the freedom to do whatever you want!

 

[usmcordie]

Learning

SSS,

Now there you go opening up my mind again. To tell you the truth, the whole catagory jumping thing didn't cross my mind.

I would suppose that you could either link or tell your reader that the next installment would appear in a certain catagory huh?

Excellent idea. Thanks for the gouge.

v/r

USMCORDIE

 

[steveinda]

Story feedback

I was going to add my comments until I read the already great advice. Definitely break up the longer paragraphs and phrases.

Also, I got a bit lost in the imagination of your character. I am sure it was all clear in your mind, but remember that readers sometimes need the obvious stated. Remind them of where they are.

I am also new so I will finish with "great effort." Maybe you find it fun that you managed to excite me with your words, which is a pretty good start.

-Steve
steveinda (written two short pieces so no expert)

 

[usmcordie]

More Great Advice

Steve,

Thanks for the great advice. I am going to try and put some of this good stuff to use in my next story. I am not sure what the subject matter will be but I am giving some serious thought. Thanks again.


V/R

USMCORDIE