New Stories: Lisa's Night Out 1 & 2

[hot_housewife]

This series is about a young housewife that finds herself as a blackmailed sex slave for a mysterious Dom. She slowly decends into a world of depraved sexuality and fights with her emotions as she starts to enjoy her service more and more.

I would love to hear what people think about these stories. I have 2 more chapters in this series already done but would love to hear if people are interested in this series before I post them.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=113085

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=120433:

If you like the story or have comments please leave a response or email.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

HH,

You may need to spend a little time on the technical aspects of writing. In the first five paragraphs there were many tense switches from present to past or vice versa. It might be a good idea to study how to write quotations. Some writers are dropping quotation marks but it’s best to use them, and do so properly, unless you’re writing for a high brow literary magazine.

Sorry I don’t have time to finish your story but this may already be more than you want or need.

Rumple Foreskin

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Lisa pulled (past tense) into the 7 Eleven parking lot in a hurry because she had to meet her girlfriends at the club in a half hour. She (HAD) dressed up in her best going out clothes, her (OMIT “HER”) black mini-skirt, a tight shirt, and thigh high stockings. Her hair is (PRESENT TENSE) down, with just the right amount of makeup and her favorite red lipstick. (LIPSTICK IS MAKEUP—MIGHT ADD SOMETHING LIKE, “INCLUDING HER FAVORITA…”) She just had to pick up a pack of cigarettes and then off to the club. So she paid for the cigarettes, and rushed back to the car.

As she was (PAST TENSE) unlocking the door, suddenly a van pulls (PRESENT TENSE) up alongside her. The side door opens;(PRESENT) she pays no attention because she is in such a hurry. That is until she felt (PAST) an arm around her waist and a hand over her mouth. Lisa struggles as she is pulled into the van and the door is slammed shut.

It is dark inside and there is a curtain or something dividing the back from the driver. Lisa continues to struggle as she feels a blindfold being tied over her eyes and her hands being tied behind her back. She hears a voice say, “(Q)quit struggling and don’t scream or I will have to hurt you!” She is very scared so she did as she was told. (“SHE” USED THREE TIMES IN ONE SENTENCE)

As the van drove off, she felt (PAST) a hand on her shirt, and again she starts (PRESENT) to struggle as it is ripped off, and the same for her skirt. She is now lying tied and blindfolded, with nothing but her bra and stockings. Strangely enough she finds herself pissed because she hadn’t worn any panties.

Lisa was very scared, almost crying, begging, “please let me go”, “please don’t hurt me!” The stranger then says, “Be quite (QUIET) and do as you are told and you will not (VERY FORMAL, CHANGE “WILL NOT” TO “WON’T”) be hurt.” “You are a very beautiful girl.” His voice is strong, controlling, but somehow it has a hint of compassion. (BEGIN A NEW PARAGRAPH EACH TIME THERE’S A NEW SPEAKER. THAT PARAGRAPH SHOULD LOOK SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

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Lisa was very scared, almost crying, begging, “Please let me go. Please don’t hurt me!”

“Be quiet and do as you are told and you won’t be hurt. You are a very beautiful girl.” His voice is/was strong, controlling, but somehow it has/had a hint of compassion.

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