New "Sexual Immersion" submission

[Guest]

For readers who've been waiting, I've just submitted Part Two of "Sexual Immersion" to the mind-control section. Should be up in a few days.

It's shorter (three chapters) than Part One – expect the concluding chapters sometime in June.

Oh, and don't believe what it says right below my pen name up above. I'm not a virgin.

 

[Guest]

It's up!

Okay, the new chapters of "Sexual Immersion" are up: HERE

And of course, any feedback is welcome, here or elsewhere.

 

[writelove]

Ghost,

Your grammar is fine.

I had trouble getting hooked into this story. I believe that a critique is about improvement. I will do my best.

General areas:

First I didn't see any real conflict in the story. It appeared to be this guy that simply contolled this woman so completely he could do anything he wanted. It was all about him putting her under his control or using her sexually while she was under his control.

Second, you did not suspend my sense of disbelief. By this I mean that I just couldn't believe any of it. It seemed unreal to me. These didn't seem like real people to me, just cardboard cutouts who kept going under "sexual immersion."

Third, I didn't see a lot of change to the characters. No one grew in any way. I must confess that I didn't read all of it and if I am wrong please point this out to me.

Specifics:

Some of the wording was just a bit too cliche. You need to work on fresh metaphors.
What real person would say the following?

"Your lightning rod looks like it needs a good shock."

Or

I placed my head back in her lap, like a spy assigned to case the best legs in the city.

That's about all I can do today. I would suggest reading other people's stories, get a feel for a good tale. If something hooks you, analyze it, see what grabbed you.