New poet standing in the block

[sonda]

I just wrote my first poem, non erotic as it may seem, could you all please judge it for me? Give me feedback. Critisize me and tell me what I am doing wrong. Or what could be done better. Thanks for your time. Poem in the next post.

 

[sonda]

Flowing like flowers full of love,
carried by the winds of a dove,
my unchanted, beautiful love,
I come to your doorstep to with a flower called a rose, in my glove.

I hug you and smile and feel the warmth of your presance,
As I enter you room,
Bringing you my tears of joy,
Kissing you and making you feel like you are my bride and I your groom.

Marrying your presance like I want to live with it forever,
My sweetest love, and my biggest forgiver,
I have pained you by being so near yet so far,
And you have always held your door for me ajar.

I feel your breath and your warmth entice me,
I feel the penetration of the feeling of your love within me.
I let you inculcate the feeling that you love me so,
And it fills my heart with joy unbound and a sense of glee.

My love is for you and you alone I say,
And want to build you castles to protect you with rocks and clay.
I wish to pleasure you foreaver if i may,
And let my heart beat in your chest night and day.

 

[champagne1982]

Flowing like flowers full of love,
carried by the winds of a dove,
my unchanted, beautiful love,
I come to your doorstep to with a flower called a rose, in my glove.

I hug you and smile and feel the warmth of your presance,
As I enter you room,
Bringing you my tears of joy,
Kissing you and making you feel like you are my bride and I your groom.

Marrying your presance like I want to live with it forever,
My sweetest love, and my biggest forgiver,
I have pained you by being so near yet so far,
And you have always held your door for me ajar.

I feel your breath and your warmth entice me,
I feel the penetration of the feeling of your love within me.
I let you inculcate the feeling that you love me so,
And it fills my heart with joy unbound and a sense of glee.

My love is for you and you alone I say,
And want to build you castles to protect you with rocks and clay.
I wish to pleasure you foreaver if i may,
And let my heart beat in your chest night and day.

Hi sonda,
Welcome to the poets' hangout. Your poem has a lovely sentiment attached and a very nice meter.

Did you read your piece out loud? When I do, I am struck with the hard consonants you've filled your poem with. This is detracting from the rhythm as each time we make guh or cuh sounds that syllable seems accented.

Another thing you may want to do is to run it through a spell-checker program and to help with syntax, there are lots of decent grammar-checkers online. Congratulations on your first poem.

There's a boat-load of excellent reviewers and a number of people who share thoughtful and constructive criticism. I suspect they're all waiting to see how you respond to thoughts about your poem before jumping in with both feet (or even dipping a metaphorical toe).

Thanks for sharing your words.

 

[butters]

welcome to Lit, sonda, and for a first poem you've managed to imbue it with a sense of warmth and romance.

can I ask if English is your first language, sonda? There are small discrepancies in the wording that make it seem slightly alien, though far better than any attempt I could make at writing in anything BUT English.

Remember you don't always have to make something rhyme, but when you establish a rhyme scheme then it's normal to carry that on throughout a poem. Champagne gives you some very good advice about reading your work aloud: it allows you to hear where line-breaks might naturally occur, shows where any punctuation might be needed, and shows how it all fits or doesn't when it comes to speech-patterns/rhythm/stresses on different words you want the reader to focus on more for whatever reason.

With this piece there are some words you could lose to smooth out the rhythm, and some of the rhymes feel a little forced so it reads a little strangely in places for me. But I do believe you have the basis of something true to you as a writer, and that you can continue to write with pleasure and confidence so long as you listen to that inner voice. Good luck with your new interest!

 

[bluerains]

welcome!

as being round here for a spell...too many I's...ands and such...will not get the
message across..cut to the juice...spice will fill your cup...hugs..blue

 

[champagne1982]

I just wrote my first poem, non erotic as it may seem, could you all please judge it for me? Give me feedback. Critisize me and tell me what I am doing wrong. Or what could be done better. Thanks for your time. Poem in the next post.

I'm sorry Sonda hasn't been back to acknowledge our time.

 

[sonda]

I am here. Very much. It is very heart warming that you took time to recognize and provide feedback for my work. I would love to write more poetry. Please dont get me wrong. I am not undermining the importance of your time, but I had been kind of busy in activities of a little family importance. I hope you forgive me for the time lost in the development of ideas and my next post. It will follow pretty soon I promise. And I would love to have your analysis in there as well. Once again many thanks for your time. And I learnt a ery important lesson to revisit the submission and read it aloud before submitting it. I just put my thoughts and posted them. I hope you understand that I do not have intentions to leave this place, and my love for poetry is only growing stronger. I am reading other poems to get a feel of the standards and technicalities of poetry. That is taking a little time, but once again many thanks for your efforts. Th

 

[sonda]

I am here. Very much. It is very heart warming that you took time to recognize and provide feedback for my work. I would love to write more poetry. Please dont get me wrong. I am not undermining the importance of your time, but I had been kind of busy in activities of a little family importance. I hope you forgive me for the time lost in the development of ideas and my next post. It will follow pretty soon I promise. And I would love to have your analysis in there as well. Once again many thanks for your time. And I learnt a ery important lesson to revisit the submission and read it aloud before submitting it. I just put my thoughts and posted them. I hope you understand that I do not have intentions to leave this place, and my love for poetry is only growing stronger. I am reading other poems to get a feel of the standards and technicalities of poetry. That is taking a little time, but once again many thanks for your efforts. I will repost as soon as I am ready with my next submission and it will have your feedback incorporated.

Warm Regards and gratitude.

 

[smotherman]

I just wrote my first poem, non erotic as it may seem, could you all please judge it for me? Give me feedback. Critisize me and tell me what I am doing wrong. Or what could be done better. Thanks for your time. Poem in the next post.

I think you did an outstanding job for your first poem.

 

[sonda]

wow. thats kind of you. thanks.