New poem

[bisexualsmoker]

Hello
This is a poem I wrote recently.
Any feedback is appreciated.
Thanks

Well my sweetheart has a lot of problems
Good looker that she is
Her life is fraught with troubles
One day it must end I think
With a track athletes sleek body
her life is poisoned fun,fun,fun
She just can't end the party
Say's she's sorry for doing me wrong

Another woman wants to mother me
She'll do anyhing for me it seems
Could have her wrapped around my finger
I find it funny I'd fullfill her dreams
Oh I don't want to hurt her
So I'm always holding back
Still her face blushes every time she sees me
Should I be overjoyed with that?

Another woman came in from the past
She said lets reignite the spark
But it appears she's just talking
always leaving me in the dark
Oh those times were a celebration
Just a girl and a boy
She had my head swimming
and my heart singing ode to joy

Theres a woman I know online
Told her she's one of a kind
All the best friendships are dynamic
up and down all the time
I just know she's different
Like the kind you rarely see
I just hope she'll forgive and forget
and once again talk to me

 

[sassynyc]

Hi bi/smoker.
I mulled over your poem and came across a few ideas.
I've highlighted the typos (which were few) in red and things that I would remove in pink.

Well my sweetheart has a lot of problems
Good looker that she is
Her life is fraught with troubles
One day it must end I think
With a track athletes sleek body
her life is poisoned fun,fun,fun
She just can't end the party
Say's she's sorry for doing me wrong

Another woman wants to mother me
She'll do anyhing for me it seems
Could have her wrapped around my finger
I find it funny I'd fullfill her dreams
Oh I don't want to hurt her
So I'm always holding back
Still her face blushes every time she sees me
Should I be overjoyed with that?

Another woman came in from the past
She said lets reignite the spark
But it appears she's just talking
always leaving me in the dark
Oh those times were a celebration
Just a girl and a boy
She had my head swimming
and my heart singing ode to joy

Theres a woman I know online
Told her she's one of a kind
All the best friendships are dynamic
up and down all the time
I just know she's different
Like the kind you rarely see
I just hope she'll forgive and forget
and once again talk to me

The words in pink come across like filler, and won't hurt the poem, if removed. I tried tweaking it without making the poem say anything different from what you intended, while maintain your voice throughout. It flows more smoothly to my ear, this way:


My sweetheart has her problems,
good looker that she is.
Her existence is fraught with trouble.
One day we must end.
An athlete-sleek body,
her life is poisoned fun
She can’t end the party,
Always sorry, she’s done wrong
(I replace "life" with "existence" to avoid being redundant...using life twice in the same stanza
Another wants to mother me.
She’ll do anything, it seems.
Could have her wrapped
around my finger. I’d fulfill her dreams
I don’t want to hurt her, so I hold back.
Still, she blushes, to see me.
Should I be proud of that?
(I added a line break/enjambment, in the "wrapped around..."sentence for the sake of rhythm)
Yet another, enters from my past.
She says, “Let’s rekindle the spark.”
I hear the echo of hollow words, knowing
she’ll leave me in the dark.
Those times were a celebration,
together, girl and boy
She left my head swimming,
my heart singing Ode to Joy.
(I replaced "reignite" with "rekindle", because it feels smoother when being read) "I hear the echo..." is just a way of giving the reader imagery...it plays up the "leave me in the dark" line
I know a woman online,
told her she's one of a kind
The best friendships are dynamic,
in flux at all times.
She's the kind you rarely see.
I hope she'll forgive, forget
and once again, talk to me.

The words that I removed were purely for the purpose of making the same ideas concise. Prose tends to be more wordy, whereas poetry doesn't need as much.

I don't know if you're married to the idea of having your poetry rhyme or not. I write in rhyme occasionally, but less often, than not. I find rhyming sometimes makes my words sound contrived. Rhyme isn't a bad thing, but it isn't necessary to establish rhythm. While I was reading this poem, it came off awkward at times because it felt forced (due to rhyme).
The closing line is an example of what I mean:"she's different..."

I hope my two cents was good for something. If you want more in depth critique, try posting this poem on the Not For The Thin-Skinned thread.

 

[bisexualsmoker]

Oh Sassynyc I so much appreciate your help!
Why did you do all this for me?
It's so nice of you!
The way I see it,editing will only break a poem up into different
versions,and time will only tell which version is best,
You're right.Theres a lot I should have kept out,
and a little I could have added in.Perhaps.

For my Literotica poems so far,I wasn't really concerned about ryhmes,
but this time I was!Why I don't know.
I tried to make things as uncontrived as possible.
It's not easy though is it?

Also,thanks for telling me about the "Not For The Thin-Skinned" thread.

Thanks again!

bsm

 

[sassynyc]

Oh Sassynyc I so much appreciate your help!
Why did you do all this for me?It's so nice of you!
The way I see it,editing will only break a poem up into different
versions,and time will only tell which version is best,
You're right.Theres a lot I should have kept out,
and a little I could have added in.Perhaps.

For my Literotica poems so far,I wasn't really concerned about ryhmes,
but this time I was!Why I don't know.
I tried to make things as uncontrived as possible.
It's not easy though is it?

Also,thanks for telling me about the "Not For The Thin-Skinned" thread.

Thanks again!


bsm

Ask and you shall receive, right?
I think a lot of us here are looking for feedback when we post our work. I certainly appreciate it. I tend not to give critique unless someone specifically asks for it. Everyone isn't receptive to it, but it's great to be able to bounce ideas off of each other and see your work through new eyes.

I am not the most technical writer. Where form/structure and mechanics are concerned, I can stand improvement. My suggestions were purely artistic. I write more from the heart than the head. Poetry is more feeling, than anything else, for me. There are folks around here that are plenty qualified to get you down to brass tacks, if you're looking for help in that area.

One thing I forgot to ask, is this poem supposed to be one story about present revolving relationships, or are you giving accounts of relationships at different times in your life? It might seem obvious to you, because you're the writer. As the reader, I wasn't quite sure. It seemed fragmented to me. If all accounts are current, then it would help to tie them together somehow.

My thought is that, if you can't connect them to each other, use yourself as the common thread between all of them. Maybe that way, you can connect them in the present. Make them pieces in a puzzle that make up your life, if that makes any sense.

*throws up peace sign*

Over and Out,
Sassy

 

[Liar]

For my Literotica poems so far,I wasn't really concerned about ryhmes,
but this time I was!Why I don't know.
I tried to make things as uncontrived as possible.
It's not easy though is it?

Uncontrived rhyming? About as easy as juggling chainsaws. While getting a blowjob.

Your rhyming works pretty well though, as rhymes go. I'm just not sure why they're there. It seems inconsistent with the conversational style and pace of the writing. Your every other line rhymes, yes. But to make that effective, I think you need to make each line a bit more uniform in rhythm, so it reads more like a verse than a monolouge, if you know what I mean.

Hope that made sense. Good luck and keep on writing.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Uncontrived rhyming? About as easy as juggling chainsaws. While getting a blowjob.

Your rhyming works pretty well though, as rhymes go. I'm just not sure why they're there. It seems inconsistent with the conversational style and pace of the writing. Your every other line rhymes, yes. But to make that effective, I think you need to make each line a bit more uniform in rhythm, so it reads more like a verse than a monolouge, if you know what I mean.

Hope that made sense. Good luck and keep on writing.

Liar, that is excellently said.

I read the piece early on but didn't feel like I had much to say about it until a few days went by.

One thought I had was this: in your last stanza, you turn from what seems like telling us, your general audience, about various women, to talking to one particular on-line woman about how you hope she'll forgive you. As a reader, (this may seem odd) I felt suddenly 'left out', you know? Like up till that point, you'd been talking to me and then you were talking just to her instead.

As you bash on the poem in the editing process, consider the actual "audience" you're addressing. Are you telling me, Generic Reader of Poetry, about these women, or are you talking specifically to that woman you're hoping to win?

that's just my two scents, for the moment.

and welcome, and thanks for contributing!
bj

 

[bisexualsmoker]

I am not the most technical writer. Where form/structure and mechanics are concerned, I can stand improvement. My suggestions were purely artistic. I write more from the heart than the head. Poetry is more feeling, than anything else, for me. There are folks around here that are plenty qualified to get you down to brass tacks, if you're looking for help in that area.

Yes.I'm not very technical either.I like to keep the spontanaety though.

One thing I forgot to ask, is this poem supposed to be one story about present revolving relationships, or are you giving accounts of relationships at different times in your life? It might seem obvious to you, because you're the writer. As the reader, I wasn't quite sure. It seemed fragmented to me. If all accounts are current, then it would help to tie them together somehow.

It is about the present.One can have a lot of little relationships and still be lonely
a lot.I should probably try and tie them together better though.

Uncontrived rhyming? About as easy as juggling chainsaws. While getting a blowjob.

Your rhyming works pretty well though, as rhymes go. I'm just not sure why they're there. It seems inconsistent with the conversational style and pace of the writing. Your every other line rhymes, yes. But to make that effective, I think you need to make each line a bit more uniform in rhythm, so it reads more like a verse than a monolouge, if you know what I mean.

Hope that made sense. Good luck and keep on writing.

It sure is difficult keeping a uniform rhythm.A verse rather than a monologue?
I'll have to study up on that.

 

[bisexualsmoker]

Liar, that is excellently said.


One thought I had was this: in your last stanza, you turn from what seems like telling us, your general audience, about various women, to talking to one particular on-line woman about how you hope she'll forgive you. As a reader, (this may seem odd) I felt suddenly 'left out', you know? Like up till that point, you'd been talking to me and then you were talking just to her instead.

You felt left out?Sorry.I didn't see this poem that way.I didn't think it did that.I like writing poems very quickly
and looking at them much later.Then it's almost like somebody else wrote it.
That may not be the best way of doing it,but to me it's a lot of fun that way.
All this feedback has been most helpfull though.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

You felt left out?Sorry.I didn't see this poem that way.I didn't think it did that.I like writing poems very quickly
and looking at them much later.Then it's almost like somebody else wrote it.
That may not be the best way of doing it,but to me it's a lot of fun that way.
All this feedback has been most helpfull though.

Well, that's just my take. And I give weird reviews; ask anyone. So only take it for what it's worth.

I do the raw writing first too, and edit later. And I tend to wait a while, like you. EVeryone works the way that's best for them.

nicetameetya

bj

 

[bisexualsmoker]

I do the raw writing first too, and edit later. And I tend to wait a while, like you. EVeryone works the way that's best for them.

I never do get around to actually fixing them up though.I think I'll just write
one more poem first and it never ends.

Thanks bj.

 

[champagne1982]

I never do get around to actually fixing them up though.I think I'll just write
one more poem first and it never ends.

Thanks bj.

One way to approach the editing process is to imagine the poem as if it were a song played on the piano. You play it through once and meh, s'ok; it's very rare to perform one perfectly on the first try. Now, do some scales (writing formula poetry, doing small rhyme exercises and so on) and then a new song has a better chance of being pretty good when you play it through the first time.

Imagine practicing that song. Working on the dynamics and punctuation of the phrases, making certain the fingering is right on the keys and pretty soon... Bravo(brava)! You've got a really worthwhile piece. That's what editing's all about.

If you never edit you stand a slight chance of writing a great poem of passion, edit that passion using all of the techniques available to you as a poet and oh boy, your chances of success become multiplied by a huge factor.

Just my two cents, but hey, with the Canadian dollar at near parity with US currency... you might get a gumball for it.

 

[bisexualsmoker]

Imagine practicing that song. Working on the dynamics and punctuation of the phrases, making certain the fingering is right on the keys and pretty soon... Bravo(brava)! You've got a really worthwhile piece. That's what editing's all about.
If you never edit you stand a slight chance of writing a great poem of passion, edit that passion using all of the techniques available to you as a poet and oh boy, your chances of success become multiplied by a huge factor.
.

That's all very well but I tend to think of my poems as having no more than two chords
and don't need to be practiced.Thanks for the advice though.Polishing things up doesn't hurt does it?

Just my two cents, but hey, with the Canadian dollar at near parity with US currency... you might get a gumball for it

.

The only problem with that is with inflation the gumball is up to three cents now.It's
the thought that counts though.Thanks

 

[champagne1982]

Well, then. This is exactly what we need to know before giving critique. Thanks for sharing your poem.

 

[WickedEve]

a better example of your poetry

Wake of a tide

 

[bisexualsmoker]

Thanks Wickedeve.I guess it's not too wicked thinking one of my other poems is better,
Or maybe just wicked in the right way.
I think they are two completely different style poems though.That's my only defence.
Thanks

 

[WickedEve]

Thanks Wickedeve.I guess it's not too wicked thinking one of my other poems is better,
Or maybe just wicked in the right way.
I think they are two completely different style poems though.That's my only defence.
Thanks

You don't need a defense.
I'd just like to see more poems from you, like wake of a tide. But definitely experiment with everything. It's the way to learn... that and taking the advice of some very talented poets, like the ones who responded to your thread before I came along.

 

[bisexualsmoker]

You don't need a defense.
I'd just like to see more poems from you, like wake of a tide. But definitely experiment with everything. It's the way to learn... that and taking the advice of some very talented poets, like the ones who responded to your thread before I came along.

I'll try and take they're advice.I really should do more
editing like they say.I've read some of
champagne1982,unpredictablebijou,Liar and sassynyc.
It's all really something.They are all really,really talented people.
You removed all your stories and poems though.So I can't read them, though just now I just saw you're Series of series thread.I haven't had enough time to read it properly yet but it's very,very impressive.
Your word flow is very nice.
I'll read it some more.