New Poem

[arienette]

New Poem - re-worked

So I never really posted in this thread, but I could really use some feedback. I've been working on a poem that has a lot of sentimental value to me because of who it is for, so any feedback any of you could give me is greatly appreciated.

You leave me grasping
for more. For one more
kiss, touch, breath of air -
inhaled from the March cold,
strangely not spring-like.
Snow still lingers in the cobwebbed clouds
and you exhale back into empty space.

Your fingertips tip toe tip
across my skin, but I am left
wanting one last caress from the hand
you roll around me nightly. One more
smile you don't delicately toss around.

My mind is screaming, to say something;
to think of something to make you realize
how easily I can trip over my own words,
my own commands and be left face down -
facing feet. Don't look up.

Your finger is a lovely digit
to be utterly wrapped around insanely.

Don't look down. Don't trip.
Don't take for granted the little things,
the sweet caresses over late-night
babbling laughter. Don't push;
I'm not sure I could take it.

 

[ewopper]

So I never really posted in this thread, but I could really use some feedback. I've been working on a poem that has a lot of sentimental value to me because of who it is for, so any feedback any of you could give me is greatly appreciated.

You leave me grasping
for more. For one more
kiss, touch, breath of air -
inhaled from the March cold,
strangely not spring-like.
Snow still lingers in the cobwebbed clouds
and you exhale back into empty space.

Your fingertips tip toe tip
across my skin, but I am left
wanting one last caress from the hand
you roll around me nightly. One more
smile you don't delicately toss around.

My mind is screaming, to say something;
to think of something to make you realize
how easily I can trip over my own words,
my own commands and be left face down -
facing feet. Don't look up.

Your finger is a lovely digit
to be utterly wrapped around insanely.

Don't look down. Don't trip.
Don't take for granted the little things,
the sweet caresses over late-night
babbling laughter. Don't push;
I'm not sure I could take it.

The body of work beautiful; the words descriptive; painting a lovely portrait
the only thing i see is a sporadic rhyme scheme but since it's free verse i can say nothing but great poem , keep writing

 

[Liar]

If I may ask, what is the purpose of the poem? To be read by it's "you", or by the public? My recommendation would robably differ depending on which intention you wrote it with.

That being said, just from my own preferrence and aquired taste, I really like the first, third and last stanza, that are all wonderful in rhythm and prosodics and interresting in structure and idea. (Except "My mind is screming", which I've heard a million times. Can you find another way to get the same feeling across?)

I feel the other two contains a bit too much hyperbolic or over used lines. ("one last caress", "utterly wrapped around insanely") And the 4 th stanza with the finger... it direct sexual reference clashes a bit with the rest of the poem if you ask me. There are memorable lines there too. " One more / smile you don't delicately toss around." is really cool.

Good luck.

 

[arienette]

If I may ask, what is the purpose of the poem? To be read by it's "you", or by the public? My recommendation would robably differ depending on which intention you wrote it with.

That being said, just from my own preferrence and aquired taste, I really like the first, third and last stanza, that are all wonderful in rhythm and prosodics and interresting in structure and idea. (Except "My mind is screming", which I've heard a million times. Can you find another way to get the same feeling across?)

I feel the other two contains a bit too much hyperbolic or over used lines. ("one last caress", "utterly wrapped around insanely") And the 4 th stanza with the finger... it direct sexual reference clashes a bit with the rest of the poem if you ask me. There are memorable lines there too. " One more / smile you don't delicately toss around." is really cool.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for your feedback, I had the same concerns you brought up. I have some re-working to do, thanks again.

 

[arienette]

re-worked

You leave me gasping
amidst wild sheets.
Their white corners no longer tucked to the bottom,
the sides no longer folding together -
like fumbling legs of a plastic chair.

You leave me waiting; wanting.
Grasping; for one more
kiss. From the lips that bend upwards
to form a smile you don't toss around
delicately; like the rag doll
that takes place of my pale
imperfect proportion nightly.

Your fingertips tip, toe, tip
across my skin, but I am left
needing; just one more
caress. From the hand that falls to my hair;
the arm rolling around me,
smoothing the second-hand already worn in fabric
from it's wrinkled, eight hours later state.

You inhale greedily from the
bringing May flowers air, and I am left
craving; for your exhaled warmth
to wash over me, bathing me in the recognition
that I am yours.


It kind of went in another direction, but I'm liking it a bit more now.

 

[annaswirls]

~

Hi Ari,
I am liking the revision a lot more! Has a feel of originality, more poetic. Good for you for bringing it here and taking your writing seriously. Editing can be painful, but in this case, the results are worth it

~anna

 

[Liar]

Yep. That's a big leap forward, ari.

"You leave me gasping / amidst wild sheets." reminded me instatly of one of my favourite poems here on Lit:

Insomnia
by quietpoly

...
as I wrestle with my inertia
and an insane blanket.
...

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=141354

 

[arienette]

Thanks for all the feedback, I really appreciate it.