New Poem..

[Du Lac]

New poem..

Raw

Raw and painful,
Needs not met,
Holding, stopping,
Gushing and wet.

Patient tension,
Edge of Bliss.
Holding back,
Lost in a kiss.

Giving, receiving,
On the edge.
Waiting, wanting,
Desires so fresh.

Swirling lust,
Denial of touch,
Cumming, screaming,
Alone with myself.

dlt © Nov 22 2004

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

Okay, check this out. Well, first...I only know a few so far that are into rhyming on the site. IT IS STILL POETRY!! More people are into free verse here. Personally, I like it all. What we have to do is get to syllable counting in this poem because this is what you want in this piece. Also, getting a nice, smooth flow with syllable counting can be a little difficult. Let's see what I can do since you asked me for some help.

Raw and painful, -4
Needs not met, -3
Holding, stopping, -4
Gushing and wet. -4

Patient tension, -4
Edge of Bliss. -3
Holding back,-3
Lost in a kiss. -4

Giving, receiving,-5
On the edge.-3
Waiting, wanting,-4
Desires so fresh.-4

Swirling lust,-3
Denial of touch,-5
Cumming, screaming,-4
Alone with myself. -5

In this particular type of poetry, you need to have the same count in each stanza. Free verse and THIS is very different. By adding more words to this piece would help out with the flow.

First stanza, I'm assuming it's you *smiles*

It's raw and painful. -5
My needs aren't met.-4
I'm holding, stopping, 5
Yet gushing wet. -4
(Example if this is referring to you. I think so, anyway. You have to get back to me on this)

Anyway, the second stanza should be the same count. Another thing (argh)...try to keep the same rhymes in the same places. You've got the 1st and 2nd stanza rhymes in the 2nd and 4th lines. The last two stanzas aren't rhymes. I would suggest that you keep it the same throughout. You can also use "similar sounding" rhymes- don't think you've GOT to have them perfect. Just close.

I hope I have helped a little. Just remember- in free verse, there is a lot of cutting out words. In this type of poetry, you need more.

Good luck, sweetie

 

[Du Lac]

Thanx Chris...

Thank you.. I did not like this one wrote it fast this morning and it spoke but did not.. and this will help alot with other writings I have.. thanks Du Lac

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

Very welcome

 

[Du Lac]

Re: write one lol.. more to come..
Raw

So raw and painful,
My needs not met,
Still holding, stopping,
Yet gushing wet.

Aching full tension,
The edge of bliss,
I hold myself back,
Lusts breathing kiss.

Pleading and giving,
Soon all is lost,
Desires so fresh.
Fullfillments cost.

Swirling emotions,
Denials touch,
Cumming, screaming,
My souls debauch.

dlt © Nov 22 2004

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

Re: Raw

Damn, you learn fast. You got that syllable counting right on. I had a lot of fun with you. Hope we can help each other out again!
High 5!!!

 

[Du Lac]

Fast learner !

When it comes to challenges... I like to learn and conquer fast!!! That was fun!! Looking forward to reworking more of my work.. mind twisting like that turns me on! Nothing like it! Thanx Chris
Du Lac