New Poem

[LittleMsNaughty]

Do you know what it does to me,
Each time I touch your lips,
I don't want you to pull away,
I keep longing for your kiss,
I look at the images I have of you,
Touching me that way,
I have to tell you how I feel,
It can't wait another day,
I don't want anything from you,
I just wanted you to know,
How wonderful you've made me feel,
And how you've made this passion grow,
Though I can't do anything with it,
It will be my private space,
To close my eyes and think of you,
And the memory of your face.

 

[Rybka]

Hallmark poetry

New Poem

Do you know what it does to me,
Each time I touch your lips,
I don't want you to pull away,
I keep longing for your kiss,
I look at the images I have of you,
Touching me that way,
I have to tell you how I feel,
It can't wait another day,
I don't want anything from you,
I just wanted you to know,
How wonderful you've made me feel,
And how you've made this passion grow,
Though I can't do anything with it,
It will be my private space,
To close my eyes and think of you,
And the memory of your face.

Well, I guess I will take this one. My first comment is that the topic has been used so often that the poem almost cannot help but be hackneyed. You really do need to find more novel expressions, which will not be easy with this theme. (Nearly all of us have written a poem like this at one time or another, and seldom have we been happy with our efforts after some time has passed.) At present to my ear it reads like you were trying to write a greeting card, hence the term "Hallmark poetry". And like most greeting cards, this kind of poetry usually only has much value for the one who sends it and the one who receives it. It does really not interest an independent reader.

Secondly I would suggest that if you are going to use a rhyme scheme then you should use it throughout the entire poem. There is nothing wrong with rhyming unless it controls and limits the poem. (This does not apply to "form" poems.)

Thirdly you might try tightening the poem by eliminating some of the first person pronouns while you are looking for new ways to say the same things.

Do keep writing and reading, and feel free to join in any of the strings on this board. - Oh, and one final tip. I always have found it useful to put a new poem aside for at least a month. Then I can go back and read it with an objective eye. If I find nothing that needs changing then it is ready to meet the public.

Regards,                                 Rybka