New Poem, perhaps too much?

[echoes_s]

I am not sure if the second verse is too much, but wanted to emphasize the hypnotizing affect and putting one to sleep. I know cobras actually paralyzes it victims with venom, but this is more for the sensual affect....

Madame Cobra

My body slithers along the sheets,
weaving, winding.
Lacing among the mounds of gauzy softness
back and forth,
zigzagging pleasurably…
hypnotizing.

Tranquil as the clouds float,
calm as the stars sprinkle reflections on your mirror,
serene as the moon flowers her incandescent glow
through the window,
hushed as a pillow before your head falls
upon for slumber…
you sleep.

My tongue curls out, savoring your heat,
hissing sighs escapes involuntarily.
(My prey, my delicious prey.)
My breath a whisper weak,
disturbing not a hair nor follicle,
not even the tiniest dust particle
meandering in the room with moonbeams.

Coiling, then slowly forward,
eyes cast shadows into your dreams,
searching your fantasies.
I encircle every crevasse,
forgetting not the deepest and darkest imaginings.
(they are my desires too.)

Air drips from my mouth,
sultry, liquescent want,
to trickle on your neck
where your pulse beats
and increases unconsciously,
and there I hold you between my fangs
for a mere second.
(I taste you)

Then slide quickly down under the sheets
As you mumble incoherently,
humming and trembling, quivering to close in
for the carnage, the feast,
your last vulnerability.
(a serpent of passion)
Are you ready my dear
to be swallowed whole?

 

[jthserra]

It seems you are (...ing)ing too much...

the ings I think let the poem slip out of the moment. I think your words are more powerful if you keep your verbs active...


My body slithers along the sheets,
I weave, winding.
among the mounds of gauzy softness
back and forth,
a pleasurable zigzag...
hypnotic.


You may want to manipulate that wording some more, but I think if you limit those ings (I think they're called gerunds), you will have more impact with what you say.

Another thing that struck me was that overall, the poem felt a bit wordy. Perhaps if you trimmed it some... leave only the most powerful phrasing. See if you can say, trim it in half. It might make an interesting exercise, even if you go back to the longer form.

See what you think... snakes are interesting creatures, so sizzling, seductive, and dangerous.

good luck
jim

 

[echoes_s]

Hi Jim, no idea what happened me onto snakes and seduction...was in the kitchen, mind wandering. No snakes out this way. For all I know it could have been the Scooby Doo show I watched with my son, Scooby was using his tail as a rattlers tail!


thanks, I have been going back and back, slowly weaning the poem because something hasnt been sitting right. I thought it was the second verse, but my gut tells me to keep it in.

We do have to stop meeting like this

Never heard of "gerunds" before, just that, too many ings?

Started another poem while I was sitting here, and now I have another forming. It's going to get jumbled soon