new poem, opinions appreciated

[hot4teacher1975]

Lost at Sea (1st Draft)

Take a trip with me
To a place to us unseen
And laugh amonst the tides
Then talk of what will be

To discover a new place
And enjoy a different taste
Then look into my eyes
Lost in love's embrace

And if there's nothing there
Then you stop to stare
Lost forever our love
As my hands run through your hair

Then at least I'l know it's true
Lost I'll be but due
As I look out at the sea
And ask her what to do

 

[DeepAsleep]

It's sketchy, the rhyme scheme is formulaic and your grammar is almost non-existant.

I like way the first verse moves, however, though "to us unseen" should probably be "by us unseen" (first draft blues!).

I think you should table this for a couple days (maybe a week) and come back to it and read it as if it were written by someone else and ask yourself what you think about it, what doesn't flow right to you.

Just a couple thoughts from a loon.

~D.A.

 

[tarablackwood22]

Lost at Sea (1st Draft)

Take a trip with me
To a place to us unseen
And laugh amonst the tides
Then talk of what will be

To discover a new place
And enjoy a different taste
Then look into my eyes
Lost in love's embrace

And if there's nothing there
Then you stop to stare
Lost forever our love
As my hands run through your hair

Then at least I'l know it's true
Lost I'll be but due
As I look out at the sea
And ask her what to do

My suggestion would be to try writing WITHOUT rhyme. All of the poems you are putting on threads have been 'with' rhyme. It is much harder to write quality poetry with rhyme because you are very restricted.

Tara

 

[WickedEve]

Try some free verse.
Think about something in your life, an event, a person, then write about it. Don't try to make it poetry, at first. Just get down the details, and then look at it, and try to find some interesting ways to say it differently--think metaphors. Then start shaping it into a poem or post it here and we/me/someone will try to help you.

 

[sandspike]

I can't dance to it.

Use rhyme if you want. I love it. Your poem doesn't read
smoothly. It has to have a beat , a rhythm you pick up
and use throughout the poem. A lot of readers look down
on rhymes so you have to get the beat in order for them
to enjoy it. I think using ryhme also helps you with free verse.
A good beat means you have cut the poem to its fewest
number of words. The images are cleaner, it reads better,
and we all write free verse which is too wordy.
Read your work over and decide what beat it needs and
then you can make it flow. Hope this helps.
oh, I write a lot of silly stuff to help me develop a flow, you
might try the same.

 

[hot4teacher1975]

D.A., you loon -
Thanks for the input. Most rhyme schemes are formulaic by definition, aren't they? But I think I understand what you mean in the context of the rest of your comment.What do you think of the following rhyme scheme: aaba bbcb ccdc dded. I thought it might give the poem a certain ebb and flow, with the sea playing a centraql role in the poem. Thanks also for reminding me that sometimes you need to step away from a poem for a matter of days.

Tara-
I'm going to agree and disagree with you. While there is beauty in the unrestricted voice of a free form poem, I think that if you are clever(unlike me ) you can be QUITE creative within the bounds of rhyme.

I agree with you in that maybe I need to spend some more time with non-rhyming poetry... Cheers.

Eve-
Helpful advice, again, thank you.

Sandspike-
I love rhyme, also. Need to work on my rhythm, however. Thanks.

All- I need to work on my diction, mostly, I think. I need to be sure that each line is an accurate reflection of what I most want to say.

Maybe a direct approach like this:

You broke my heart
You stupid bitch
Now here it lies
In this here ditch

I picked it up
To stop the bleeding
And all that's left
Is what you're reading

So full of love
was that heart of mine
That it exploded
In due time

All that's left
Of me is ink
Just enough to say
That "Love fucking stinks!"



Happy writing.

 

[DeepAsleep]

I hate rhyme schemes! HATE THEM!

...however, you're right, if done cleverly, they're neat.

I think I'm against them, for the most part, because I always feel the urge to use a layout of some kind and it's been hard to break myself of the habit. I feel like my poetry's improved, because of this 'n.. well. "It's good for me, why not yooo!"

In any case, I'd like to see your finnish product. >=]

~D.A.

 

[hot4teacher1975]

I hate rhyme schemes! HATE THEM!

...however, you're right, if done cleverly, they're neat.

I think I'm against them, for the most part, because I always feel the urge to use a layout of some kind and it's been hard to break myself of the habit. I feel like my poetry's improved, because of this 'n.. well. "It's good for me, why not yooo!"

In any case, I'd like to see your finnish product. >=]

~D.A.

I think that my love for poetry incorporates both free form and rhyme. At this juncture, I'm favoring rhyme since I only recently returned to writing poetry and as a wanna-be rapper I like rhyme.

But, seriously. I'm discovering a new method in/to my madness, we'll see if it works: 1) Pick a rhyme scheme.(this can also come after the first draft, like Spike said just having some fun with my new poem 2) Pick a theme for each verse or at least a pattern or idea of how I want to progress from start to finish. 3)Concentrate on my diction, what types of words and groups of words and literal devices can I use to get my message across 4) Go back and write the poem, slightly restricted but knowing well in advance of the last line how it will have to fit in with the rhyme scheme.

If that makes sense.

For this poem I tried to not only have a rhyme scheme(I failed, gotta fix it) which mimicked the ebb and tide of the ocean but I also played around with the first word of each line. You'll notice this pattern: abcd bcde cdef defg. So the 1st words of the 1st, 2nd and 3rd lines of one verse are the 1st words 2nd, 3rd and 4th of the previous stanza, respectively.

Not sure what effect it has though.

 

[Liar]

All that's left
Of me is ink

You know, I'm gonna be envious at you for weeks for coming up with those two lines. I want them, and use them in some highbrow, deep, serious shit.

 

[LunaKat]

Well, I love visions of the sea. You could expand on that if you wish.