New poem, need some critiquing before I submit.

[Dar~]

Frigid
yet unshattered
pristine crystals

Whole yet apart
Separation from self
Anxiety

Shards of indecision
cracking foundations wthin
frosty boundary

Silver core
yet warmth
doesn't reach it,

Shivering
yet comfortable
outside the norm

break me free.

 

[Dar~]

Bump!!!!!!!!

 

[Dar~]

nother bump!!!

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I suck at poetry, but I like the break me free part.

 

[maggot420]

Sorry Dar...I'm terrible at critiquing.
All I can say is I really like it.

 

[Dar~]

Maggott, love, where ya been?

 

[Dar~]

I suck at poetry, but I like the break me free part.

I am honored that one of your final posts has been for me.

 

[Guest]

Sorry Dar...I'm terrible at critiquing.
All I can say is I really like it.

What Maggot said.

Dar, it moved me, I understood it, I liked it. I don't need to say any more.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I am honored that one of your final posts has been for me.

I'll expect to be paid soon.

 

[Dar~]

Bitch, that wasn't supposed to be common knowledge. As a Matter Of Fact, I think it violates our contract. My people will get with yours after we review this matter.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Bitch, that wasn't supposed to be common knowledge. As a Matter Of Fact, I think it violates our contract. My people will get with yours after we review this matter.

American money...I refuse to accept yen again.

 

[Dar~]

Hey, how about pirate's gold??? I got some nice pirate's gold.

 

[maggot420]

Maggott, love, where ya been?

i had to find a new rock to live under.
and then i had to move all my crap there. or here i guess.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Hey, how about pirate's gold??? I got some nice pirate's gold.

It's got chocolate inside.

 

[Dar~]

Bitch! (it's cadbury)

 

[dr_mabeuse]

That last stanza with the "comfortable" seems awfully weak to me. You get all those shards and shattering and cracking frosty crystals and all, and then you get

Shivering
yet comfortable
outside the norm

which seems very wishy-washy.

Not only wishy-washy, but the lines seem downright herky-jerky throughout. If there's some rhythm or roll or music to the language, it went right by me. Or did you intend for it to be so rough and jagged?

And if you're already separated from the self, how can you be broken free?

 

[Dar~]

I don't much like the last stanza myself. Break me free form the prison that keeps me separated fromlife and myslef. I think is the unabridged version. any thing else, thats good so far.

 

[shlock]

I don't know if this is really a critique, but I'll try.

Frigid
yet unshattered
pristine crystals

Whole yet apart
Separation from self
Anxiety

Shards of indecision
cracking foundations wthin
frosty boundary

Silver core
yet warmth
doesn't reach it,

Shivering
yet comfortable
outside the norm

break me free.

You have given concrete sensory details (okay go ahead and bust me for flying back to English Comp. 101) which lay out parameters for the feeling, condition or circumstance on which you have written. When these are combined with the vague scents of action or detatched emotion, the reader is allowed to define his or her own situation, or even speculate upon yours. . . . Questions: Is this vagueness intentional due to the personal nature of these crisply voiced feelings?
. . . Is it possible, or desirable to clarify some feeling of circumstance, without interrupting the brief structure/ style?
okay, that's all I got for now.
( best I could come up with for eight bucks and a cuppa coffee)