New poem: Lips

[Cyberguy]

My second poetry submission has been posted. I call it "Lips" for reasons that will be obvious to the reader. You can find it here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=33322

I welcome your comments and would like to thank all those that read my first submission "A Lit Night Before Christmas."

 

[tigerjen]

You made my "lips" talk......

"Lips
Soft and sweet
Smile at me
Beneath demure eyes "

I first read the poem...."lips" meant the ones on my face....
but reading onward....."lips" meant the pussy lips.......saw
the poem as "double-entendre".....I felt that you "slipped"
into the double-meaning of "lips" well.....great descriptions
of the "lips".....

"Lips
Speaking your secrets
Trust in me
What you dare to confide "

this is what I mean by "double-entendre"...I saw this
stanza in regards to "lips" as how I speak verbally, and
how I "speak" physically in a pleasure sense.

Wonderful!

tigerjen

 

[*ladylove*]

I sent my comments via the feedback option. Kind of wordy, but then I had lots to say this morning.

I really enjoyed it, hope to read more of your writings. I will check out your others for sure.

 

[daughter]

repetition: when it doesn't work

cyberguy--

I applaud your efforts. I hope you'll keep writing and please participate on this forum. Different voices are always a good thing.

Now, the poem. One of the downsides of being a voracious reader is the danger of reading the same thing so many times that when you see it again you cringe for the author.

We have no shortage of vagina metaphors. Be careful when attempting the familiar. Without some deft application of vocabulary and style, the work will fall flat.

I like repetition and refrains when they're done well. Here, it doesn't enhance the read. Instead, it is simply redudant and wanes my interest. A writer has to become the reader. As a reader, ask yourself what this device adds to this text.

I love ordinary words and lean lines, but I want the ordinary to transcend ordinariness. That doesn't happen here. I'm big on word value. When I read the opening stanza, there is no impact, no imagery, no magic.


I wouldn't scrap the message. I'd re-think how to say it. For instance, you write:

Lips
Revealing your passion
Unite with mine
In the dark of the night


This stanza is generic and cliche. Create an image instead of giving us abstractions. A concrete image increases a reader's identification with what you're saying. Take this up a notch by describing an intimacy shared between them.


suggestion:

Lips
tremble, wrap
around mine
giggles float
universal loverspeak

***my example is okey, but it's an attempt to create a sense of intimacy.

Hope I have said something useful. I respect your choice to toss or use.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Cyberguy]

Thanks

Thank-you daughter, ladylove, and tigerjen for your comments and critique.

I should probably add "avoid repetition" to the list of don'ts on ladylove's A few poetry questions from a new poet thread. I kind of expected to get skewered for that, part of the reason I kept it short, hoping it would be *too* annoying. I think the use of cliches is part of that "walk before we can run" thing. Got to have the experience to recognize them.