New poem (feedback requested)

[another realm]

Word Dancer (for Barb)
another realm

on a stage
that both audience and performer are unaware of
she dances

with subtle grace
baring soul and heart in impassioned cursive movement
she begins

nib engaged
sharing learned steps rich with toil and imagination
she shares

pas de deux
creating exponentially more while growing whole
she glows

no longer
alone in solo she leaps in dance with words and he
she smiles

 

[Liar]

Hi!
Welcome to the forum (unless you've been here before, then welcome back)

You ask for feedback. Well, here's mine. Take it as you wish.



The first and third stanza works best. They are comprehensive, descriptive and still imaginative enough to capture my interrest. I like the language and style of those.

In the second stanza you write "Baring soul and heart..." But how does she do that? Just saying that she does doesn't transfer the feeling of it to me. In fact, the poem in itself is already kind of saying that that is what's going on, between the lines. So to say it out loud, and write it in my face, becomes a bit redundant, i think.

The last two...I can't quite figure out what they mean. And I don't mean the deeper meaning behid them if there is any, but what they actually mean, semantically and gramatically.


Uuh, I hope that made sense. This is my third screwdriver on an empty stomach.

 

[another realm]

Thanks for the feedback. I believe I get what you are trying to say. With that in mind, perhaps this works better?

Word Dancer (for Barb)
another realm

on a stage
that both audience and performer are unaware of
she dances

with subtle grace
choreographing soul in impassioned cursive movement
she begins

nib engaged
sharing learned steps rich with toil and imagination
she shares

pas de deux
no longer solo she leaps in dance with words and he
she smiles

 

[BooMerengue]

Another Realm? I really like the style this is written in. Does it have a name or did you create it? The middle line of each stanza almost doesn't need to be there. I think it's beautifully written.

TY

 

[another realm]

Another Realm? I really like the style this is written in. Does it have a name or did you create it? The middle line of each stanza almost doesn't need to be there. I think it's beautifully written.

TY

Thank you.

If it is written in a named style, I am not aware of its name. I just write what is in my head based on whatever might move me at any given moment. I do think that liar's suggestions made the poem better...at least my interpretation of what he was trying to say. When I read them my stomach was full and I don't drink so communications may be lost in the translation.

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

Welcome to lit. Don't let anyone negative critic you. Enjoin your rite. Rite from the heart <ba Da dump> <winkz

 

[another realm]

Welcome to lit. Don't let anyone negative critic you. Enjoin your rite. Rite from the heart <ba Da dump> <winkz

I have no problem with feedback that is negative. As a matter of fact, if not for my first editor telling me that my first submission to him was unmitigated crap, I would have never gotten pissed off enough to prove him wrong.

Writing poetry is a new venture for me. I am well aware that I can learn much without sacrificing my voice.

Bring it on...I can take it.

 

[BooMerengue]

Welcome to lit. Don't let anyone negative critic you. Enjoin your rite. Rite from the heart <ba Da dump> <winkz

never mind...