New Mother/Daughter Incest Story.

[ZIP CODE]

Let me know what you think.

Click here :
Hot Flashes

 

[Chicklet]

Hey Zip,

First, let me say that I've *never* read an incest story all the way through. I have no interest in the subject, even as a taboo fantasy, and frankly most of the stories around here about it gross me out. Your was extremely tasteful, well written, and fun.

I love the opening, Keri's restlessness in the bedroom. I can totally relate to that, and it's light and funny. A great way to start.

My only problem with the story was Holly's discomfort. It didn't seem to resolve itself by the end of the story. I hope you'll address that in future chapters.

Okay, time to get nitpicky.

In the flashes, for the most part you use present tense. I think that that's great - the style fits, it makes it more exciting and more urgent. But check it out...whether you're going to use past or present tense, you need to be consistant. I can dig the shifts for the flashes, but you've gotta stay consistant in which you're using:

His strong hands clasped her sweaty waist as he drills her ass with his massive cock.

This is a flash, so you should keep it all present, right? So Clasped should be Clasps, or else if you want to change it to past Drills needs to be Drilled. Then in the next paragraph, Keri comes out of her fantasy but she's still in present tense:

Keri suddenly comes to. She shakes her head and the image vanishes from her mind. She's back lying next to her sleeping husband.

The story, other than in this paragraph, is in past tense, so you need to change it all to past tense. "Came to" "Shook her head" "The image vanished."

The basement is constructed with a center hallway with five separate rooms. Two rooms are used for storage and two are used for entertainment purposes, like ping-pong, pool, weights, etc. The fifth room at the end is the laundry room. Keri could see the light peeking out from the door. She walked through the door and stopped.

One of my most nit-picky thing in stories is a tense change when someone starts describing a room, or a relationship. Even though the layout of the house isn't going to change, so you'd think it should be in present tense, the style needs to match the rest of the stories. You should go back and fix it, make it past tense...it'll still make sense and it'll read better.

Holly was so confused and frightened by what was transpiring. One minute she's saying goodnight to her mother, and the next, that same mother is telling her she's going to make her moan. And by the feel of the hands on her tits, that can only mean in the sexual sense. Holly didn't know what to do. So she cried.

Two things about this paragraph...one is the tense shift. It's written like I would tell someone the story, shifting to present tense for a moment. I can see myself saying this out loud. BUT that doesn't make it right. Consistancy, my man...you need to keep consistant.

Second, the POV change. So far you've kept with Keri's POV. I understand the 3rd person omnipotent where you know what everyone's thinking, but so far the story had read as limited, where you could only reveal what Keri was thinking. Although it may be dramatic to get the girls reactions, it read awkward to me. I was like "What happened to Keri's head?!"

and pulled her little girl into her until their legs scissor each other.

*scissored* - keep it past tense, babe.

Okay, that's all for tense changing. Next, some other small errors:

At the office this morning, Keri's boss--Mr. Hendricks walked into her office and shut the door.

I understand that here the dash is the trigger for the flashback. One moment she's Keri of the present and then the next she's Keri in the office. BUT, it still seemed unnecessary to me. It should be a comma, imho, and would work just as well as one.

Her head rested on his shoulder and his lightly bit him.

*she* lightly bit him, right? Just the wrong word, that's all = )

And rightly so, it is being 2:33 in the morning.

"It is being" reads wrong, don't you think? Try "it being."

Her red-pony tailed-hair flipped...

I could be wrong but I think that the hyphen should be between "pony" and "tailed" - because, it's a pony-tail, right? not a red-pony.

Her calves were small and firm. And her ass was heart shaped.

This whole thing should only be one sentence...I think that that's how you meant it, anyway. It looks like maybe grammar check automatically changed the A in And to a capital when you maybe put a period in by mistake.

"Mom! You're language!"

*your* language

'What am I thinking?! STOP IT! THIS IS MY LITTLE GIRL!"

The quotation mark at the end doesn't match...again, probably just a slip-of-a-key.

Okay, enough with mistakes that you just overlooked. Let's go on to some personal opinions!

Just then, the intruder walked by her door, the soft moonlit hallway exposed the source of the footsteps.

I really like that line. Really. I don't know why. Just thought I'd mention it.

She flopped back down on her back and stared wild-eyed at the ceiling fan.

Wild-eyed? I like it, but it's from her POV, right, so how does she know that her eyes are wild? Maybe simply "wide-eyed" would have been better.

There in front of her was her daughter Holly. She was bent over in front of the washer. Her little round bottom was staring Keri directly in the face. Holly's tight jeans clung to every curve of her daughter's rear like spray paint.

Two things about this paragraph. One, the sentences so short they seem choppy...could you maybe fix them to make it flow better? Two, spray paint not a good mental picture when there are so many things that you could use. Can you try for something else that hugs the body? Lycra...spray on...oh, shoot, what's the word for that stuff you can smear all over your body and it hardens...that plastic stuff. Well, you get my point, right? Spray-paint just seemed so smelly and not the right thing.

She was whining like a puppy wanting to go out.

Your word choice here - you had a great opportunity to use the word "begging." I think the word "begging" is very hot, very sexy. It makes me think of a girl twisting on the bed groaning for release. Maybe moving "begging" in there instead of "wanting" would be a small change, but it might be a nifty one.

Keri's tits were less like grapefruits and more like medium sized pumpkins.

pumpkins? are you sure? pumpkins are pretty huge...maybe you should think of a different fruit? Soft mangoes perhaps?

Wow, I've gone through all the notes I made for you story. Neat-o. Now, I know you're already well into the third chapter, but I hope you'll consider editing and resubmitting this first chapter at some point in time. Keep in mind that you won't have to give up votes.

-Chicklet

 

[Pop-O]

I just plain enjoyed your story. All the corrections that need lookin' into have been mentioned, so no need to reiterate. Looking forward to the next episode.

Roger

 

[ZIP CODE]

::Gulp::

That was...wow. I've never had anyone get so involved in critiquing one of my stories before. I don't know what to say. Really, I'm completely speechless.

Okay, well...thanks a million. I really do appreciate it. LOL...I'm almost afraid to ask what you think of Part 2.

ZipCode

a rose for Chicklet

 

[Chicklet]

Really, I'm completely speechless.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Personally, I am terrible at taking criticism...I have to get up and take a walk before I can answer any lol.

LOL...I'm almost afraid to ask what you think of Part 2.

do you really want to know??

(if you do I'll critique it, too)

 

[ZIP CODE]

Absolutely!!!

I'd love for you to critique part 2. When I said I was speechless, it was a good thing. You blew me away with the effort you took to really do a thorough criticism.

Zip

 

[hiddenself]

I had read your Primal Urges Erupt and found it quite original and well-written. This one wasn't so good in my opinion: sloppier writing, awful tense switches in the 1st chapter, and annoying psychological mumbo-jumbo. But your ideas are solid and your pacing mostly spot on.