new member

[slipinside]

Hi guys im new here and to writing and would love it if some people could find the time to let me know what they think of my 2 poems ( my first ones) . Good or bad any feedback is helpfull for my new ones .
Many thanks

 

[sassynyc]

Hi guys im new here and to writing and would love it if some people could find the time to let me know what they think of my 2 poems ( my first ones) . Good or bad any feedback is helpfull for my new ones .
Many thanks

hi slipinside. welcome to the poetry forum.
it would help if you post a link to your poems; either specific poems you want feedback on or just the link to your submissions page. or you can post the poem(s) here in your thread. good luck with the writing. i hope you make yourself at home here.

 

[slipinside]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=394416

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=394404

Here are links to my first two attempts hope you can spare the time to leave some feedback

 

[sassynyc]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=394416

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=394404

Here are links to my first two attempts hope you can spare the time to leave some feedback

i read both poems. if i got the concept right, "bittersweet" is the male voice in a couple, and "festive fucking" is the female voice. both were too wordy for my taste, and could use some trimming. play by play detailing can actually detract from a poem. sometimes less is more. leave somethings to the imagination. whenever you write something, reread it several times. if you come across words that don't add to, or take away from your point, then you can remove it (a, the, and, etc.). using spellcheck when editing is always a good idea.

i'd like to see more imagery in both, especially "bittersweet". you'll come across the phrase "more show, than tell" if you read through the poetry board. in short, give your reader an unfolding picture. rather than telling them what happens, make them experience it with you. Check out a thread by WickedEve in the Poet's Hangout called "Make Me See It" It's a good example of "show" in poetry, and a fun writing exercise.

the rhyming felt forced to me, like it limited your word choices. i gather "festive fucking" is meant to be sing-songy. it made me smirk several times. "jingle bell whore" is my new favorite phrase.

hope this is good for something. stick around and have fun writing with us.

sassy

 

[slipinside]

Thanks for the feedback ill try and make another poem or two or maybe a story this week and see if it gets easier .