New lesbian story

[teniellejd]

New story i wrote called forbidden infatuations ch1., about a foreign exchange student who lives with a family in australia. Trying to make it more erotic than just plain old smut and more into character development. I'd appreciate some of your talented opinions of it if you time to read it, if you don't like les story than I wouldn't bother. Thanks!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=50641

 

[Guest]

Wow I should definitely read more lesbian stories! Excellent erotic story. I'm waiting impatiently for Ch2. You've got my vote(5).

I'm not a grammar freak, so don't ask me for correct use. The following is what came out odd to me. N.B. All italics are mine

Louise like being fucked on her side, it was her favourite position.
Should it not be 'liked'?

It made her depressed and she began to reject his promiscuous behavior.
Does it mean:
A-having sexual relashions with many people
B-indiscriminate
C-disorderly

'Are we still getting separated?' he said after a time.
This was news to me. I've never beem married, so I don't know... Does a married couple who are about to be seperated have sex, especially after going about their lives without it for long time?

One month later Carl and Louise got separated. It wasn't an emotional event, it was quite simple; Carl moved to another house only a few suburbs away taking Ally with him, leaving Louise with Ashley and Sandy. No one was upset; everyone was old enough to understand.
I'd have freaked out if I was thirteen-year-old daughter Ally, but they say I'm immature.

She'd made lots of friends already in her short time at school; she was an outgoing intelligent girl with a very pink pussy.
This has been established in detail earlier. To repeat and emphasise it seem more smut than erotica.

Once she was up, Louise removed the covers so she could lie back down, then reluctantly she covered up the sexy teenager, making her snug with the doona right up to her neck.
I don't know what doona is.

'When does Ashley get home?' she asked, worried that they would get caught.'
The apostrophe at the end of the sentence is a typo.

'Goodnight,' said repeated, she kissed her again on the lips, then once more, they lay back down, turning on her side, preparing to go to sleep.
Do you mean 'she' repeated?

Below are what 'Sandy' said in the ch1. The first words she spoke were 'I sorry.' This gave me the impression that her English is very bad. However, the quality of her English does yo-yo act. She sounded neither a Hungarian nor someone who speak English badly for real.

I don't know what is the Hungarian term for 'mum'. Eastern Europeans tend to use the words 'mama'. So, Sandy could have said, 'You are my mama', when she was drunk. Also, Eastern Europeans seem to be influenced by American English, so it's something to think about when you're writing the diarogues in the following chapters.

'I sorry,'--- 'I lost track of time.'
'You are my mum,'
'Without,'
'Goodnight mother,'
'Good,'---'I think I need some clothes, new clothes and underwear.'
'Yes look,'---'What you think?'
'You like to look yes?'
'I see you look my skirt,'---'It's okay, I don't mind.'
'I want you to look,'
'I want you to,'
'Yes.'
'Is good?'
'You want me to take off?'
'You like?'
'Thank you,'---'I show you when you want to see, ok?'
'I think, not to six,'---'She won't see, don't worry mum.'
'Not, please look,'---'I like watching you beautiful face watch me, with so much love.'
'You tuck me in now?'
'You want to watch again?'
'You want to watch me?'
'I want you to hold me, like on couch,'
'That was wonderful,'
'Goodnight,'

 

[teniellejd]

Wow thanks for the detail, yes as you can see i self edit my work so there are typos. As for the accent being accurate, well maybe if i got paid for my work I'd do more research and get some one to edit it. Thanks for voting 5, I appreciate that and the effort to reviewing my work, I will take it all into account for my next chapter. And if you think the editing bad in this one, you'll have a field day over my other work. Seeya!

 

[Pelios]

I loved it

I agree that the grammar and spelling needs some work. They have free editors now here to help with that sort of thing.

But I think this was one of the best stories I have ever read. I loved what you were doing with plot and character development. And would LOVE to read the next chapter.

 

[GingerV]

Welcome Pelios...and please don't take this the wrong way. But this is one hell of a test of the "better late than never" principle .

The thread was posted asking for reviews in June of 2002. But I'm sure the more recent requests for input would be grateful for your help!

Of course, if the author turns up and tells me he's still interested I will stop giggling, and go through it like a good little contrite editor.

G

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Yes, quite a bump, but I appreciate being introduced to this lovely story, and want to read more by the author. She hasn't posted a story for over a year so I hope she's still active.

'she was an outgoing intelligent girl with a very pink pussy' -- I loved this line

 

[Pelios]

With Only The Slightest Chagrin

Point taken, Ginger. However, I was aware that the story is old, and by the way, written very probably before the free editors program was available.

But I stand by what I said. It is a truly great erotic story and should be completed. And yes, I am, in fact trying to rekindle some revival of interest in this author. The woman writes a great story, asks for ideas, suggestions and criticism. And the only reply she gets is a very lengthy criticism. Not to disparage Chilled Vodka, although I certainly do not agree with every thing that was said, but looking at it from the author's point of view, the lack of response, the lack of encouragement may well have contributed to her giving up and thinking, "Why bother?"

Also, if my post in some way got even one more person (like the charming Rainbow Skin) to join my Teniellejd fan club, then I can only shout Hooray!

Hoping to see more of Teiellejd's work,
Pelios