New Lesbian Science Fiction Story - Epiphany

[singula6]

Greetings!

I have finally decided to share a Lesbian Science Fiction story I began writing 3 years ago. This was my first literary attempt, while I wrote & posted Relaxation Therapy as a test most recently. Please comment on ways to improve my creation. With the right amount of interest I could see Epiphany developing into a novel length story.

Epiphany's story revolves around a culture trying to cope with a virus which would have brought about their extinction had they not perfected genetic reproduction. While the Singula race survives, it is in female form only. After several centuries without men, sexuality has a unique way of evolving.

Here is the link to Epiphany: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=397699

Also, the link to my first story Relaxation Therapy: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=370500

Thank you for your support!

 

[ellynei]

I started reading epiphany, in response to this feedback post.

I gotta admit, I'm a bit confused.

Or, shall we say, extremely confused...


Your first paragraph:

It has been nearly 2600 years since the Science Institute discovered a genetic mutation which was reoccurring at an unnatural rate. Genetic mutations are one in a million deviations of the normal genetic code of life. Most are one of a kind and unnoticeable, others result in dangerous defects within the organism they occur, but some are much more profound. Changes over millions of years due to genetic deviation are the natural cycle of evolution. But this mutation is repeating much too frequently to be considered natural.


As a reader I interpret the beginning of this paragraph to mean that you set story-telling time at: 2600 years after the discovery of an unnaturally frequently reoccuring mutation.

The only other information you supply in this paragraph is a description of what a genetic mutation is. Regarding that I strongly recommend that if you don't know what a genetic mutation is, then you should not try to tell the reader what it is. If you do know what it is you badly need to rephrase your description of the phenomenon.

And then you end the paragraph by repeating the 'mutation, frequent, unnatural thing'.


I'm sorry, but your first paragraph is practically unreadable, very difficult to decipher.


In the following paragraphs the problem persists. Your jump in tenses makes it even more difficult to follow when and what.


In paragraph two you mention a 'not yet defined' entity: "the singulae". And say that for 4000 years these people have used genetic engineering for reproduction.

You describe fertilisation through "the collection ceremony", which appears to be fertilisation of an egg by genetic engineering, combined with some type of couple/family structure ceremony.

And then you say the previously mentioned 'recurring unnatural mutation' was discovered during such ceremonies.


Which means you have fed me with singulae-timeline of:

year zero: singulae begins their fertilisation by genetic engineering.

year 1400: recurring unnatural mutation first discovered.

year 4000: the present storyline.


Then you reveal that the mutation is slowly eradicating boy babies.

Then you state that people thought this would lead to the eradication of the species. This I find very strange since the species has already resorted to genetically manipulated reproduction for 1400 years before this mutation started occuring (in its unnaturally frequent manner).

Then you state that with genetic manipulation the singulae figured out how to reproduce without males.

You state that the anomaly was...


You know what! I finally get it Just had to write every little fact down on paper to understand what you were trying to say.


####


At this point I coulda deleted all of this, and started over with my new-found understanding, but you put me through your starter paragraphs... I'll put you through mine.

Yes, I'm vindictive that way.


##


Right, the story itself you have written in present tense and that is to many words in present tense for me to handle, but even from the first paragraph of the story itself I get the impression that it is easier to follow than the intro.

Watch the size of those paragraphs though, they are too large for reading on a monitor.



I'd advice you to cut out the background-information-intro, paste it in your private notes (which readers don't see), and simply tell the story while slowly feeding the universe to your reader.


If you don't want to do that then I recommend that you take the time and amount of words needed to provide the background story in a comprehensible manner.

(If a molecular- and cellular-biologist (who happens to be a fan of sci fi) needs to write each date and fact down to understand what you are saying, then you are doing something wrong... Unless of course I have gone insane because people don't like my latest two submission.)

##


Apart from my very harsh words it is an interesting background story, and does make me curious what the heroines will find on their expedition to track the anomaly. (No, not curious enough to read through several lit pages of present tense, I can't even bring myself to do that on a book co-authored by my favorite published author...)

 

[CorsetLvr]

Epiphany's story revolves around a culture trying to cope with a virus which would have brought about their extinction had they not perfected genetic reproduction.

Is there such a thing as non-genetic mutation? Even simple fission involves the splitting of genetic material. Words are a writers tools and if they are not used with precision they result in a flawed product.

 

[ellynei]

Is there such a thing as non-genetic mutation? Even simple fission involves the splitting of genetic material. Words are a writers tools and if they are not used with precision they result in a flawed product.

Well, in biology there are only genetic mutations, (although maybe the whole prion thing will lead to words as non-genetic mutation, did they establish or disproof the prion role in mad cows disease btw?)

But in other contexts the word mutation is used for several different things (all referring to change), at least my dictionary claims so.

 

[CorsetLvr]

Well, in biology there are only genetic mutations, (although maybe the whole prion thing will lead to words as non-genetic mutation, did they establish or disproof the prion role in mad cows disease btw?)

But in other contexts the word mutation is used for several different things (all referring to change), at least my dictionary claims so.

Even a prion is "genetic" in an odd way. It is a protein, but is converted into nucleic acid (I forget if it's RNA or DNA, RNA I think) that is integrated into the host's cells. That's just a reversal of the way that proteins are made, DNA>RNA>protein.

My comment wasn't really about the use of the word mutation, but rather "reproduction," and using genetic as an adjective.

 

[ellynei]

the prion sidetopic

My mention of prions and mad cows disease was a referral to the theory (which I dunno whether is proven or disproven by now) that the defect proteins (prions) themselves altered the tertiary structure of the still functional proteins to match their own. (Hence explaining how a disease based on genetic mutation could contage in a non-genetic manner.)

 

[ellynei]

the story - main topic

On second thought, I did too much 'criticism' and too little 'constructive' in my feedback to this story.

If you wish for your story to start with this background info, Singula6, then I recommend you tell the background story chronologically, thus slowly bringing the reader closer and closer to the storyline 'present'.

This also means that the reader will be able to follow the historic background without needing to memorise each mention of a time-frame.

I also recommend that when speaking of matters that are still the same in the storyline 'present' you say something like: 'the way it is still done to this day' or something like that. Rather than simply skipping to present tense in the middle of the background narration.


Best of luck.

 

[singula6]

Thanks to all for your input. I do appollogise for not correcting all my tense errors. With this story over 3 years in the making I have edited it countless times and thought I had finished. I guess I was too eager to release the story.

I also went back and forth as to include the introduction or not. It appears I should have left it out...

Thanks again. I may request the story be removed to give myself the opportunity to fix the problems then resubmit.

 

[poppy_cock]

Thanks to all for your input. I do appollogise for not correcting all my tense errors. With this story over 3 years in the making I have edited it countless times and thought I had finished. I guess I was too eager to release the story.

I also went back and forth as to include the introduction or not. It appears I should have left it out...

Thanks again. I may request the story be removed to give myself the opportunity to fix the problems then resubmit.

Actually, you don't need to have the story removed. What you can do is submit it again--but in the title box, after the title, you write the word EDITED.

So what you'll have is Epiphany-EDITED.

Then in the notes box, you can write something like, "Please replace the first version of the story with this one. Thanks.'

I've done that before and it works fine. Also, that way, you don't lose the number of views or votes it's already got.

Of course, if you want to start afresh, precisely because you want to improve the overall voting score, then have it deleted and submit the edited version. I recommend though that if you do the latter, that you put a little note at the beginning of the story that says you've resubmitted it, so that you don't get a slew of comments that all start, "I seem to remember reading this before...??"

Have fun with the editing.

 

[poppy_cock]

Had a quick look at the story now and just wanted to add my two-penneth...

I think I'd lose the present tense and stick it into past tense. Okay, so it's probably a personal preference thing, but I think present tense works best in first person stories rather than third person.

Just to clarify what I mean, instead of writing:

Labria is stunned. She just sets there with her mouth wide open. After locking the console as Toriale suggested, she looks around her office and drops her head. Looking down at her hand towel covered chest and then back up to Toriale's image displayed by the Holo-Array Emitter, she says "You better not be recording this! I've begun scrambling this signal anyway, just in case." With a frustrated sigh, she slowly lowers the hand towel into her lap. Watching, as Toriale's eyes widen, Labria scoots up in her chair and gently palms each of her massive breasts lifting them slightly. As waves of embarrassment and then excitement overtake her better judgment, she closes her eyes and begins to squeeze. She moves her fingers up and over her nipples, allowing each fingertip to apply a light flick until both nipples are rock hard. She opens her eyes and drops her hands into her lap which gives her massive chest a nice bounce. "Are you happy now," asks Labria?

I think I'd prefer to read:

Labria was stunned. She just sat there with her mouth wide open. After locking the console as Toriale suggested, she looked around her office and dropped her head. Looking down at her hand towel covered chest and then back up to Toriale's image displayed by the Holo-Array Emitter, she said, "You better not be recording this! I've begun scrambling this signal anyway, just in case."

With a frustrated sigh, she slowly lowered the hand towel into her lap. Watching as Toriale's eyes widened, Labria scooted up in her chair and gently palmed each of her massive breasts, lifting them slightly. As waves of embarrassment and then excitement overtook her better judgment, she closed her eyes and began to squeeze. She moved her fingers up and over her nipples, allowing each fingertip to apply a light flick until both nipples were rock hard. She opened her eyes and dropped her hands into her lap which gave her massive chest a nice bounce. "Are you happy now?" asked Labria.

Incidentally, I've corrected the punctuation in that last sentence too. The question mark goes inside the speech marks.