DannyBoyUK
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Q What is the difference between a Mercedes Benz and a duffle bag full of hookers' heads ?
A I havent got a Mercedes in my garage
A I havent got a Mercedes in my garage
New Joke Thread - BUT SICK ONES ONLY in this one
- Thread starter DannyBoyUK
- Start date
T.H. Oughts
Oh the thoughts of Oughts
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Q - How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A - Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."
A - Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."
DannyBoyUK
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Nice one T H - but hardly SICK is it ? <s>
I came home from a tough day at work hoping for heaps of really unsound jokes..........
I came home from a tough day at work hoping for heaps of really unsound jokes..........
vylette
Really Really Experienced
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- Nov 13, 2001
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not sick, but i thought it was funny
the old cowboy
an old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. as he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat next to him. she turned to the cowboy and asked "are you a real cowboy?"
he repiled "well i have spend my whole life on a ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so i guess i am."
she said "i am a lesbian.i spend my whole day thinking about women. as soon as i get up in the morning i think about women. when i shower i think about women. as i watch tv, or even eat, i think about women. everything seems to make me think about women.
the two sat sipping in silence. a short time later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked "are you a real cowboy?"
he replied "i thought i was, but i just found out i was a lesbian."
the old cowboy
an old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. as he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat next to him. she turned to the cowboy and asked "are you a real cowboy?"
he repiled "well i have spend my whole life on a ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so i guess i am."
she said "i am a lesbian.i spend my whole day thinking about women. as soon as i get up in the morning i think about women. when i shower i think about women. as i watch tv, or even eat, i think about women. everything seems to make me think about women.
the two sat sipping in silence. a short time later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked "are you a real cowboy?"
he replied "i thought i was, but i just found out i was a lesbian."
just pet
Vanilla with a twist
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Two statues in the park, facing each other for over 100 years... one a beautiful nymph... the other a handsome Roman soldier. It was a little boring on Mt. Olympus so the goddesses and gods put their heads together and decided to have some fun....
They came down to earth and brought the two statues to life.
"You two have been staring at each other for over 100 years... You have 1 hour of life to do anything you want... Is there anything you have wanted to do together all this time?"
He looked at her and she looked at him and they started to giggle... off they went... behind the bush... leaves were flying... giggling and groaning was heard... then they came out, grinning and sweaty from the exertion...
"Thank you so much.... we have been dreaming about being able to do that together... for years"
"You know... you were only gone 5 minutes... you have 55 minutes left... want to do it again?"
He looked at her, and she looked at him...
"Oh yes please!"
Then he turned to her and said:
"This time I'll hold the pigeon and you shit on him"
They came down to earth and brought the two statues to life.
"You two have been staring at each other for over 100 years... You have 1 hour of life to do anything you want... Is there anything you have wanted to do together all this time?"
He looked at her and she looked at him and they started to giggle... off they went... behind the bush... leaves were flying... giggling and groaning was heard... then they came out, grinning and sweaty from the exertion...
"Thank you so much.... we have been dreaming about being able to do that together... for years"
"You know... you were only gone 5 minutes... you have 55 minutes left... want to do it again?"
He looked at her, and she looked at him...
"Oh yes please!"
Then he turned to her and said:
"This time I'll hold the pigeon and you shit on him"
Last edited:
Woodmiester
Recess is over
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- Sep 27, 2001
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- 8,024
Sick you want? Okay...
Q - What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
A - Putting her back in the wheelchair
Sick enough?
Q - What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
A - Putting her back in the wheelchair
Sick enough?
What's the difference between a truckfull of rocks and a truckfull of dead babies?
You can't unload a truckfull of rocks with a pitchfork.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Becaause it was stapled to the chicken.
Why do you put a dead baby into a blender feet-first?
So you can watch the expression on it's face.
Why do you put a dead baby into a blender head-first?
So you can watch it's toes curl up into the cutest little balls.
Guy walks into a bar and orders 7 shots of Jagermeister. Bartender asks why. Guy says he just had his first blowjob. Bartender says, "That's great. Since you're celebrating, you can have the 8th for free." Guy smiles weakly.
"Thanks, but if 7 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
-I
You can't unload a truckfull of rocks with a pitchfork.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Becaause it was stapled to the chicken.
Why do you put a dead baby into a blender feet-first?
So you can watch the expression on it's face.
Why do you put a dead baby into a blender head-first?
So you can watch it's toes curl up into the cutest little balls.
Guy walks into a bar and orders 7 shots of Jagermeister. Bartender asks why. Guy says he just had his first blowjob. Bartender says, "That's great. Since you're celebrating, you can have the 8th for free." Guy smiles weakly.
"Thanks, but if 7 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
-I
T.H. Oughts
Oh the thoughts of Oughts
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- 19,712
Re: not sick, but i thought it was funny
That joke is one of my classic ones I tell in a new group of people...vylette said:
DannyBoyUK
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Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been
in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER
and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling
the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a
terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my
wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's
accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However,
her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This
means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll
have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor
continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her
bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times
a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a
regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel
will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean
her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be
emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to
wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the
shoulder.
"Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."
in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER
and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling
the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a
terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my
wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's
accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However,
her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This
means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll
have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor
continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her
bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times
a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a
regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel
will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean
her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be
emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to
wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the
shoulder.
"Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."
glamorilla
creamy white center
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Q:What do two lesbians do on a second date?
A:They buy a house.
Q:What do two gay guys do on a second date?
A:What second date.
A:They buy a house.
Q:What do two gay guys do on a second date?
A:What second date.
DannyBoyUK
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Like it !
<s>
<s>
Sillyman
Clearence INFRARED
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- Sep 11, 2001
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How do you tell if a female bartender is pissed at you?
There is a white string hanging out of your bloody mary.
What do you call a virgin in Alabama?
A girl who can outrun her father.
What does an Alabamian say before sex?
"Hey Sis, you awake?"
There is a white string hanging out of your bloody mary.
What do you call a virgin in Alabama?
A girl who can outrun her father.
What does an Alabamian say before sex?
"Hey Sis, you awake?"
Sillyman
Clearence INFRARED
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- Sep 11, 2001
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- 11,143
A woman is at the doctor when she complains that her husband never wants to have sex anymore.
The doctor gives her a bottle of blue pills and says to slip one into his coffee.
The next day she slips one pill into his coffe, and that night they have sex for the first time in months.
The next day, she slips two pills into his coffee, and that night they have fabulous sex.
The next day after that, she thinks "Oh, what the hell," and pours the whole bottle into his coffee.
The next week the man's son called the doctor's office. "Mom's dead. Sis is pregnant. My asshole hurts and dad is crawling naked next to the couch saying 'Here kitty kitty kitty'."
The doctor gives her a bottle of blue pills and says to slip one into his coffee.
The next day she slips one pill into his coffe, and that night they have sex for the first time in months.
The next day, she slips two pills into his coffee, and that night they have fabulous sex.
The next day after that, she thinks "Oh, what the hell," and pours the whole bottle into his coffee.
The next week the man's son called the doctor's office. "Mom's dead. Sis is pregnant. My asshole hurts and dad is crawling naked next to the couch saying 'Here kitty kitty kitty'."
The Pope and the 7 Dwarfs
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
'No, Dopey,' responds the Pontiff, 'there are not.'
'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?' Dopey questions.
'No, Dopey,' the Pope chuckles, 'there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.'
'Mr Pope,' Dopey asks pleadingly, 'are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
'No, Dopey,' the Pope says sadly, 'there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting, 'Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin.'
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
'No, Dopey,' responds the Pontiff, 'there are not.'
'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?' Dopey questions.
'No, Dopey,' the Pope chuckles, 'there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.'
'Mr Pope,' Dopey asks pleadingly, 'are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
'No, Dopey,' the Pope says sadly, 'there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting, 'Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin.'
Pamela
Literotica Guru
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- Mar 29, 2002
- Posts
- 1,286
This one is so disgusting....
I can never tell it! Maybe typing it will be easier!
There was this gay guy that died. His three friends were sitting around discussing what they should do for his ceremony.
The first one says "I think we should just have a quiet ceremony, with a few close friends and family".
The second one says "Oh no! We should celebrate in style and let him go out with a bang! We should have a big party. Maybe a parade".
The third one says "Actually, I'd like to put him through a meat grinder, make burgers with him, and eat him"!
The other two looked at him in shock and asked "What would you want to do that for"?
He says "I'd just like to feel him pull out of my ass one more time"!
I can never tell it! Maybe typing it will be easier!
There was this gay guy that died. His three friends were sitting around discussing what they should do for his ceremony.
The first one says "I think we should just have a quiet ceremony, with a few close friends and family".
The second one says "Oh no! We should celebrate in style and let him go out with a bang! We should have a big party. Maybe a parade".
The third one says "Actually, I'd like to put him through a meat grinder, make burgers with him, and eat him"!
The other two looked at him in shock and asked "What would you want to do that for"?
He says "I'd just like to feel him pull out of my ass one more time"!
Vivacia
Honorary Kiwi
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- Jan 10, 2002
- Posts
- 1,848
The Farmer
A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'
Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'
Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '
Man: 'So then what happened?'
Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '
Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'
Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '
Man: 'And then what.'
Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'
Farmer: '~'
Man: 'So then what did you do?'
Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'
A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'
Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'
Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '
Man: 'So then what happened?'
Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '
Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'
Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '
Man: 'And then what.'
Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'
Farmer: '~'
Man: 'So then what did you do?'
Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'
Vivacia
Honorary Kiwi
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2002
- Posts
- 1,848
Doggie Style
Two dogs are sitting at the vets office. One has a dismal
look about him. The other says, "Why the sad face?"
The other dog replies, "Well, my master beats the hell out of
me all the time, and yesterday I had enough and I bit him. I'm
next in line to be put to sleep."
After a couple of minutes, the second dog says, "What you here
for?"
The first dog replies, "Well, my owner is this great looking
gal you see here. Yesterday she was putting my food out, and
when she bent over, I could resist myself and started fucking
her from behind."
The second dog says, "So you're next in line behind me?"
"No," said the other. "I'm here to have my nails done"
Two dogs are sitting at the vets office. One has a dismal
look about him. The other says, "Why the sad face?"
The other dog replies, "Well, my master beats the hell out of
me all the time, and yesterday I had enough and I bit him. I'm
next in line to be put to sleep."
After a couple of minutes, the second dog says, "What you here
for?"
The first dog replies, "Well, my owner is this great looking
gal you see here. Yesterday she was putting my food out, and
when she bent over, I could resist myself and started fucking
her from behind."
The second dog says, "So you're next in line behind me?"
"No," said the other. "I'm here to have my nails done"
DannyBoyUK
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- Feb 28, 2001
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A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor invites her in to sit down. "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems."
"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless."
"Well, yes, of course... but your child has no legs."
"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."
"And it hasn't got any arms either."
"What?"
"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."
"Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it. I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it."
"Mrs. Smith, one last thing... your child is deaf."
"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless."
"Well, yes, of course... but your child has no legs."
"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."
"And it hasn't got any arms either."
"What?"
"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."
"Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it. I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it."
"Mrs. Smith, one last thing... your child is deaf."
DannyBoyUK
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On the first day of school the teacher asks all the kids what their Daddies do for a living.
The first little girl says her Daddy is a Fireman, "he puts out fires."
"Very good," says the teacher.
The next little girl says her Daddy is a Lawyer, "he keeps people from going to jail."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she asks little Johnny what his Daddy does for a living.
"My Daddy is dead," says Little Johnny.
"Oh," says the teacher. "Well, what did he do before he died?"
Johnny replies: "He turned blue and shit all over the floor!"
The first little girl says her Daddy is a Fireman, "he puts out fires."
"Very good," says the teacher.
The next little girl says her Daddy is a Lawyer, "he keeps people from going to jail."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she asks little Johnny what his Daddy does for a living.
"My Daddy is dead," says Little Johnny.
"Oh," says the teacher. "Well, what did he do before he died?"
Johnny replies: "He turned blue and shit all over the floor!"
DannyBoyUK
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This young guy and an older woman were in bed making love. He was pretty excited while getting down and dirty with her. As they were making love, he started to suck on one of her tits. He sucked in a mouthful of liquid, and he swallowed it.
He said to her, "I didn't know that you just had a baby recently!"
She replied "No, it is just breast cancer!"
He said to her, "I didn't know that you just had a baby recently!"
She replied "No, it is just breast cancer!"
