New(ish) London writer....

[Norton77]

Hi,
I'm an open-minded London guy.
I've placed a pic or two on other boards here at literotica, and have now started to put some stories up too.... let me know what you think!

(You'll have to click on my profile in the stories setion, since I don't know how to link to it.... DOH!)

X

 

[cookiejar]

Hi,
I'm an open-minded London guy.
I've placed a pic or two on other boards here at literotica, and have now started to put some stories up too.... let me know what you think!

(You'll have to click on my profile in the stories setion, since I don't know how to link to it.... DOH!)

X

Here it is...

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=48896

 

[Norton77]

Thanks!

Wow, thanks!
That was really nice of you.... off to read your stuff now.....

x

 

[damppanties]

Norton77,
I skimmed through your story (sorry, didn't have the concentration to read it thoroughly right now) and the impression I got was that everything happened too fast. They're sitting outside having lunch, then in the room watching porno. It looks like you cut off pieces from a longer story and put them in there. The conversation also was lost at some point although that may be because I am not american. Lastly, there was no sex.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Digression. To insert a link, use the 'http://' button when you post your reply. This asks you for an optional surface text, such as 'my new story', and the URL, which you just copy from your story's page. The result is inserting e.g.(URL=http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=48896)my new story(/URL)
into your reply -- except with square brackets instead of round brackets.

Too fast? A little. Not necessarily too fast for their relationship: it might be realistic if they had got that close before; but I wonder whether, despite their evident closeness, and the way it is recapped at the pub, there shouldn't be more awkwardness at home. The move to the raunchy video is quite abrupt. To me, the key thing that makes this odd is how nervous or embarrassed he is. Either they stare into each other's eyes and reach out, realizing it's all suddenly going to work, or they should both be fencing and hesitating for a while. It wouldn't work if one was significantly more confident than the other: well, not as easily.

No sex: hmm, 'to be continued' is all very well, but it's only one page and not too much has happened yet. It's the intro to a story, rather than the first episode of one. Not enough has yet happened to justify closing the episode yet, but something is abou to happen right now, just as it ends. It doesn't end with tension over whether or not something more is going to come.

Americanisms: not sure what damppanties meant about this, as I can only see one, 'gotten'; and the conversation doesn't ever become obscure. (Perhaps the 'stud'/'ma'am' exchange comes over as American on quick reading.)

The language is fine, dialogue is fine, it's all clear. The overall construction needs more to it, as damppanties has suggested. It's scenes, parts, rather than a seamless entry to a longer story.

 

[English Lady]

Well i didn't have the patience to read the whole story,sorry,but what i did read felt very heavy and wordy.

your first sentance


I'd had a really dull morning at work and, combined with the fact that the sun was shining brightly and I was stuck in my office, my mood was such that I took a lunch in the nearest pub.

Is just mind bogglingly long and complex. try reading it out loud,you'll get breathless after a while,also it doesn't flow well,it doesn't jump up and grab you,and with literotica being so filled with stories,the first sentance/paragraph is really important in keeping people reading.

I would write it like this :


It had been a really dull morning. The sun shining through my office window made me want to go outside and leave my boring work behind. As soon as my lunch hour came round I decided to enjoy a good pub lunch and maybe enjoy a little of this magnificent weather.


which you might not think is much better but to me it feels easier, more relaxed and not so difficault on the eye.

Anyway, i hope my advice is actually helpful to you!

 

[Norton77]

Thanks

BLimey... where to start?

Okay, I'm a lazy writer and, as you can see, rushed it all.
Sorry!

The first sentance may seem long but the commas are there for pausing.

Hey, sod it - first attempt and all that!

All comments read and welcome, and I shall do better next time (in other words, write it in more than two minutes!!).

X