New "in Town"

[grumpymann]

Hey I'm new and I just wanted some comments on my poem




http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=128681

 

[WickedEve]

Welcome to the board, grumpy!
I'll be back later with comments. I just got home and I have to go out again. I was going to email you later and invite you to the board. So I'm glad you found your way here.

Eve

 

[thenry]

I like the form but perhaps not the lack of punctuation. The flow of words and matching sounds pulled me in even though some images bordered on cliché. I don't think you should have broken form for the last stanza to explain something that could have been implied elsewhere, or already was. The last three lines ring especially out of tune.

 

[grumpymann]

Critique / Criticism

Thank you for your honest opinion and criticism
Right you are about the punctuation.
For the brake in the flow for the last stanza in fact it was intentioned I wanted to brake from the imagery.
I will strive for better work in the future keep the comments coming please.

 

[grumpymann]

Trying to get some more feed back I put up another I would love to know what people think of them


http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/memberpage.php?uid=310465

 

[WickedEve]

Your first two stanzas have Angels and cherubs. I'd be extremely careful using Angels and cherubs in poetry. Everyone has used Angels and cherubs. It's time to let them rest in peace. lol

But in those first two stanzas you also have some nice lines.
"much to my maudlin surprise"
and speaking of nature's mysteries:
"As they tangle in her hair"

The third stanza isn't bad. I like "traced my hand" and "fell straight up to Heaven" is pretty cool.
But be careful using too many Heavens, promised lands, and miracles, unless you do it an original, kick ass way.

Your last stanza needs a slap and shake to rid it of all that burning, soul, and rapture. You can do it, but I wouldn't use those three together in one stanza. They are on the most wanted cliché list. Though, I like "walk merrily into hell."

 

[grumpymann]

OK one more time

Yeah I'll admit it I'm a glutton!
Yet more of my musings went up today let me know what you think.

P.S. I'm waiting for my latest story to be edited