New guy, new story.

[Invid Writer]

I've done writing before (a fair amount of it) but mostly in script form, and let's face it... I never paid enough attention in English class at school. Anyway, I've got a bunch of chapters done but it's still my first attempt at a novel format. So if anyone has comments (good or bad) they'd be much appreciated. I want to improve my writing in this style and don't worry, I can take criticizm. So go nuts people!

(Whoop, a quick edit in here... Just wanted to mention what this thing is actually about. It's in the celebrity thread but in my opinion doesn't belong there. It has original characters and original situations in a predefined world (ie robotech). Anyway, basically I'm going for a science fiction epic here. How one person rebuilds the destroyed "mad max" sorta world to one of value through conflict, and later on, negotiation. These first 5 chapters are really just an introduction. Chapter 6 (still writing it) is where it really starts to take off)

Invid Invasion Ch. 01

Invid Invasion Ch. 02

Invid Invasion Ch. 03

Invid Invasion Ch. 04

Invid Invasion Ch. 05

Allright, so just a few comments about it and I'll let you guys go at it. Issue 1 and 3 contains some rape. I'm not a huge fan of rape but I wanted to put it in there to show the setting of the world / characters a little bit.

Chapter 2 is primarily lesbian and has a rating of like 4.83 (enough to put it number 1 in the category if it had more than 6 votes)

Chapter 4 is mostly plot and 5 is mostly sex. Feel free to start at whichever chapter sounds most appealing but I highly recommend starting at chapter 1. I'm trying to make this thing into an epic and it probably won't make much sense without its beginning.

Anywho, that's it. Sorry for the long message. Don't feel obligated to read it by any means but I'm always looking for advice. Thanks everyone.

I'd be more than happy to check out anyone elses story if they send me a brief request. I'll also be bumming around the forum so I'm sure I'll see you around.

 

[hiddenself]

As far as I could tell, you build up a good plot. But I got really really annoyed with your grammar and spelling mistakes and gave up before finishing the first page.

Why is Salt Lake City in quotes?

Why does the first paragraph start with quotes (and where is the closing pair)?

Lack of commas is distracting
That form of course was much
Quickly small resistance cells

and sentences/wording are sometimes awkward
was forced to depart (depart?)
became in risk (at risk?)
She took off her helmet and riding armor strapping them onto her backpack (and strapped them)
The man shook his head nervously and briefly, Andrea was tempted to put... (he shook the head briefly or Andrea was tempted briefly?)

Basic errors such as

In it's current form...
It's first and obvious...
Its!

don't help my disposition either.

All in all, this is an example where a possibly good effort gets messed up by lazy editing. Ability to tell a story is only part of a winning combination. The technique and form also have to be there.

 

[Invid Writer]

In response

Yeah, I'm afraid I have to agree with you to some extent here. I think now that I have some more writing experience I will go back to chapter 1 and touch it up. That one is the chapter that needs it the most (especially those first few pages) since I really just starting writing at a run. I didn't have a CLUE what I was doing Unfortunately I had no one to edit it for me so was kind of stuck with giving it a once over and catching what I could catch. But again... at that point I had little editing experience in novel format.

The one thing I can defend is the quotation marks at the beginning paragraph. Those are there (and at the end of the story) because it's based off of the robotech TV series and quotations make copywritten work unabmittable in court.

The lack of commas have largely corrected themselves as I learned what I was doing but the possessive ' I still have trouble with sometime.

Anyway, enough rambling from me. Thanks for reading it, (even just the beginning) and I do appreciate it greatly. Since the volunteer editors are currently not going, do you have any idea where I can get someone to take a look through chapters for me? I do it myself but I hardly catch everything.

Thanks again and I'll catch you later.

 

[hiddenself]

Editing

The one thing I can defend is the quotation marks at the beginning paragraph. Those are there (and at the end of the story) because it's based off of the robotech TV series and quotations make copywritten work unabmittable in court.

I don't exactly know what you mean.

Quotes are used to refer to verbatim statements of others. This is not the case here.

Using quotes for the full story but then taking credit for writing it is contradictory. Are you just posting someone else's work (hence, quotes) or is this original? You have written a fanfic story. The original series creators may object and then you have a problem, quotes or no quotes. But unlikely that you'll get there.

Since the volunteer editors are currently not going, do you have any idea where I can get someone to take a look through chapters for me? I do it myself but I hardly catch everything.

I think the volunteer editors service has been revamped. Also, try posting at the Editor's Forum asking for volunteers. Or PM your favorite Lit critics and ask privately.

Best,


PS I'll give your later chapters a try at some point. Story idea's interesting.

 

[sarah thorne]

You know, many times if you write it on a WORD document, it will catch many of the grammar and spelling errors for you. Personally, I don't write my stuff on WORD because weird symbols and such come up when posting on some sites, but that can be avoided if, once you're done, you cut and paste it somewhere...like in an e-mail addressed to yourself...and then cut and paste from there to submit it. But that's only if symbols are a problem on this site...some of the more experienced people on here should know whether or not that's a problem.

It's not perfect and sometimes WORD will allow mistakes to trickle through and also there are many times fragments or other things that may be written for effect in a story that WORD will say is grammatically incorrect (I get that a lot) but for the most part, it's better than having nothing at all.

my 2 cents!

sarah

 

[Invid Writer]

oh yeah. All those mistakes have filtered through the word grammer and spelling check. I always write in word.

Quotes are used to refer to verbatim statements of others. This is not the case here.

Using quotes for the full story but then taking credit for writing it is contradictory. Are you just posting someone else's work (hence, quotes) or is this original? You have written a fanfic story. The original series creators may object and then you have a problem, quotes or no quotes. But unlikely that you'll get there.

This story is 100% original. The characters are also original.

What I mean is if (whoever the company is that makes robotech) decides to make an example of me and sue my ass off (which they shouldn't be able to anyway 'cause I'm not making money from it) putting quotation marks around the entire story makes it just plain non admissable in court and as such there is no proof of copyright infringement. Don't ask me why, but that's the case. So it's a little extra protection.

They're probably not neccessary. But they certainly don't hurt.

I'll check out the editors forum, like you say.

And if you do want to check a later chapter, try out chapter 6 once I get it posted. I'm trying to make it a decent jumping on point.