New Girl In The Harem

[KindredFlame]

If I am doing this wrong I apologise but I have this idea of a version of a harem story, this is what I have so far if anyone has any constructive comments? On how to spice it up as I am used to writing from my POV not as a narrator.

She entered the massive tent thinking she would find it sparse with an area for animals and a few camp beds and chairs but it was nothing like this there were beautiful carpets on the floor and cushions with women and men lounging around and at the furthest end was a large table enough to seat thirty around with a man in fine silks robes at the head of it. The man got up from his seat as the terrified woman approached the table. “So you are the emissary from the polish embassy?” He asked.
*
“Yes I have come to offer you the most humble apologies from the ambassador your royal eminence.” She said with a tremble in her voice. “Come don’t be afraid, no one here will harm you. May I offer you some wine.” She was told not to refuse anything from his eminence before leaving the embassy but not having ever been allowed to drink the local wines she didn’t realise how strong this was. She gulped down the drink as if it was a soda and his eminence refilled her glass and she drank that one.
*
Then it hit her like a sledgehammer, her head was spinning and then total blackness. When she awoke she was lying on a massive bed, no idea how she got there but everyone else just carried on about their business as if she wasn’t there. She tried to sit up but her head was still spinning then she realised she was naked and all there was to hide her embarrassment was the thin almost transparent sheet that slid down to her waist as she tried to sit up. “Oh you have awoken?” Said his eminence as he walked towards the bed where she was lying trying to cover her personal body parts with her hands and the sheet.*
*
“I had my wives undress you to make you more comfortable it gets hot here in that afternoon.” He said smiling at her in her embarrassment.*
*
“Do you want a boy to play with? Or one of my wives to get you ready for tonight?”
“Tonight? I have to go back to the embassy your eminence.”

“Oh no, your driver has left. You are my gift for the insult your government has bestowed on me by not presenting the ambassador on the first day of his tenancy. They know how much of an insult this is, so I will enjoy making you my new wife!”
*
“Get her ready for the marriage feast.” He ordered then four women came to my side taking me to an anti-room, hanging from a cross Beam was a large transparent bladder of creamy coloured liquid. “What’s that for?” She asked of her female captors.*
*
“Well it can be used in two ways both just as effective, I think it would be better if we go from the top until you get used to it.” With that a pair of padded hand cuffs were clamped around her wrist then the cuffs were placed over a hook that pulled her arms into the air.*
*
Then a tube was placed in her mouth she tried to resist but one woman opened her mouth and the tube was pushed into her mouth and down her throat Then a tap was turned on and the liquid started to empty and fill her little petite body filling her belly making it bulge as if she was pregnant. Then she realised what this was and it was not for refreshments as two of the women rolled a massive metal bowl to where her feet were.
*
“Step in.” She resisted but the women just grabbed her legs one at a time put them into the bowl placing her ankles in cuffs that were at either side of the bowl opening her legs ready for what was to happen next. An hour she was left stood there with the liquid filtering into her then without warning her body let go, from both her bottom and her pee hole the liquid started to flow out and into the massive bowl beneath her, though she was discussed with what was being done to her she felt quite refreshed after all the liquid had emptied from the bladder above her.
*
The women watched as she was emptied by the liquid she is ready now bath her and place her on the table to be dressed for the feast. She was taken down and placed in a bath of refreshing scented water and was washed by other women who were skilled in making her calm and exited at the same time, speaking softly to her as they gave her orgasm after orgasm from there touch knowing where her every pleasure centre was and knowing exactly how much pressure to apply to make her release her every inhibition forever.
*
She stepped out of the bath and stood in front of the women they dried her pale skin and oiled her body then they stretched her over a large cushion on her belly and started to massage oil into her rectum with one of the women pushing a well-oiled finger deep into her anus, this made her jump a little but she soon became accustomed to it and felt disappointed when it was removed.
*
The women then led her naked back to the large room and placed her on the table in the very centre of the table. She was splayed out and told to relax and just allow things to happen naturally or this night could become her last, then she felt a needle go into her neck and in seconds she found she was unable to move but she could see and feel and hear
*
The other women stripped naked and took up positions under the table then the boys that also were there when she came in and filled in the empty places under the table until each seat had someone man or woman under it. Then food was brought in and was placed around the polish woman and she became the centre piece of the display.
*
On her belly there were strips of food placed around her breasts there was other morsels, her hands that were place upwards had grapes hanging from them and gradually her entire body was cover in food there was a small apple pushed into her mouth and something similar place at the lips of her virgin vagina, and finally her oiled anus had something that resembled a small banana was inserted deep into it.
*
Then there was lots of activity she could feel that there was a lot of commotion around her then it all fell silent, there some words spoken in some Arabic language then the feast began. There was shouting and grabbing of food from around her body, it was not long before she was totally uncovered once more. Her mouth was now open since the apple had been removed and she could feel her labia being touched by multiple hands.
*
The only thing left was the object that was stuffed up her anus this remained there, gradually she found she was able to move her head as she did she saw every seat filled with a man, each of them seemed to be in some state of ecstasy then one man would groan, then get up and pull whoever was pleasuring him out from under the table and take them away and continue with their sexual adventures in another part of the tent.

 

[Nezhul]

Style needs working on.

She entered the massive tent thinking she would find it sparse with an area for animals and a few camp beds and chairs but it was nothing like this there were beautiful carpets on the floor and cushions with women and men lounging around and at the furthest end was a large table enough to seat thirty around with a man in fine silks robes at the head of it.

This sentence is not underlined by Word, but IMO it should. There are basically two sentences crammed together, two separate thoughts that you are trying to express.
It would have been much better like this:

She entered the massive tent thinking she would find it sparse with an area for animals and a few camp beds and chairs but it was nothing like this. There were beautiful carpets on the floor and cushions with women and men lounging around, and at the furthest end was a large table, enough to seat thirty around, with a man in fine silk robes at the head of it.

Also, commas. You should read a guide of when to use them and actually use them. Commas and full stops in the right places make A LOT of difference.

“So you are the emissary from the polish embassy?” He asked.
“Yes I have come to offer you the most humble apologies from the ambassador your royal eminence.” She said with a tremble in her voice.

You should look into dialogue tags as well. He said/she said are used starting from a small letter and with a comma before them.

“So you are the emissary from the polish embassy?” he asked.
“Yes I have come to offer you the most humble apologies from the ambassador your royal eminence,” she said with a tremble in her voice.

Next, don't ever put dialogue from several people into one paragraph.

“Yes I have come to offer you the most humble apologies from the ambassador your royal eminence.” She said with a tremble in her voice. “Come don’t be afraid, no one here will harm you. May I offer you some wine.” She was told not to refuse anything from his eminence before leaving the embassy but not having ever been allowed to drink the local wines she didn’t realise how strong this was. She gulped down the drink as if it was a soda and his eminence refilled her glass and she drank that one.

Use paragraph break to separate them. Also if one person is speaking, and then you want to describe what the other person thought of it or did, then you should start a new paragraph as well. One paragraph may only describe speech and actions of one character. It's actually a good idea often to even split the actions, especially if they are long. Leave only dialogue tags next to direct speech.

“Yes I have come to offer you the most humble apologies from the ambassador your royal eminence,” she said with a tremble in her voice. (here it is a dialogue tag, so it belongs with direct speech.)
“Come don’t be afraid, no one here will harm you. May I offer you some wine?” (It was actually a question, so a question mark is due. Also, it's a speech by the host of the table, not her. So it goes in a new paragraph)
She was told not to refuse anything from his eminence before leaving the embassy, but not having ever been allowed to drink the local wines she didn’t realize how strong this was. She gulped down the drink as if it was a soda and his eminence refilled her glass and she drank that one.

I'll also note that it breaks suspension of disbelief a bit to see her nervous and appologetic, and then gulp two glasses of wine like it was nothing. Put yourself in her place. Any drink you get offered, you'd politely accept and take a small sip, but definitely not drink the entire glass. Definitely not the second one!

 

[KindredFlame]

I like you.

Thank you very much for your input this was a first draft but I am very greatful and will take everything on board what you have said. Are you an editor on here?
Love KF

Style needs working on.
This sentence is not underlined by Word, but IMO it should. There are basically two sentences crammed together, two separate thoughts that you are trying to express.
It would have been much better like this:

Also, commas. You should read a guide of when to use them and actually use them. Commas and full stops in the right places make A LOT of difference.

You should look into dialogue tags as well. He said/she said are used starting from a small letter and with a comma before them.


Next, don't ever put dialogue from several people into one paragraph.
Use paragraph break to separate them. Also if one person is speaking, and then you want to describe what the other person thought of it or did, then you should start a new paragraph as well. One paragraph may only describe speech and actions of one character. It's actually a good idea often to even split the actions, especially if they are long. Leave only dialogue tags next to direct speech.
I'll also note that it breaks suspension of disbelief a bit to see her nervous and appologetic, and then gulp two glasses of wine like it was nothing. Put yourself in her place. Any drink you get offered, you'd politely accept and take a small sip, but definitely not drink the entire glass. Definitely not the second one!

 

[Nezhul]

Nope, I'm not an editor and I shouldn't be. English isn't my native language. I don't even write for Literotica anymore - I do it for my own website.
I'm just hanging out here.

 

[KindredFlame]

Must read you novel

Nope, I'm not an editor and I shouldn't be. English isn't my native language. I don't even write for Literotica anymore - I do it for my own website.
I'm just hanging out here.

That’s a shame I think I would enjoy writing with you as my editor KF

 

[Nezhul]

Also concerning dialogue and actions and how to put them together, here's the rule of thumb that I use. Well, several rules:

1) If it's a dialogue tag, it obviously goes with the text. (He said, she said, he yelled, etc).
2) If it's a description of HOW the character said that line, or what he did in the process of saying it, then it goes together. ("Bla bla bla". Sam couldn't hold his excitement, telling his friends about what happened.)
3) If it's a relatively short action (1 mid-length sentence, or 2 short ones) in a continuous monologue, then it goes together. ("Bla bla bla". Sam stood up and closed the door. Then looked seriously at everyone in the room. "Bla bla bla bla")
4) If it's a long action (meaning how long it takes to describe), then it goes apart.
5) If it's an action completely independent of what was being said, it goes separately also"
"I will definitely win today!"
Sam hopped on a horse and rode away.
6) If it's an action by another character, no matter how small, it goes in a different paragraph.
"Bla bla bla bla," sam said. "Bla bla bla."
Alice laughed.
"Bla bla bla bla," he continued.

Also I'm still not even sure if that last sentence can be a dialogue tag. But Capitalizing it just feels wrong. Some style guides will tell you that only "he said/she said" can be a dialogue tag, and nothing else. But others disagree.

 

[Nezhul]

That’s a shame I think I would enjoy writing with you as my editor KF

Perhaps, but I don't have the time. Too much stuff to do, I'm barely keeping up with the novel and other projects.

 

[KindredFlame]

Ok I had another look

Ok I have done an edit and I think it reads better. I hope any comments are positive. Love KF

Helen entered the massive tent, thinking she would find it sparse with an area for animals and a few camp beds and chairs. But to her surprise it was nothing like she imagined. The insides of the tent was laid out with beautiful Persian carpets on the floor and cushions with intricate embroidery of golden threads with women and men lounging around enjoying each other with abandonment.

Looking around at the opulence of her surroundings Helen was taking it all in, until she saw a large table enough to seat thirty with a man in fine silks robes at the head of it. Helen walked forward nervously not knowing exactly why she had been chosen to meet the premiere of the country of Lovastani. The man got up from his seat as the terrified woman approached the table.

“So you are the emissary from the polish embassy?” He asked. His deep green eyes looking Helen over as if she was a prized horse.

“Yes I have come to offer you the most humble apologies from the ambassador Your Royal Eminence.” Helen said, with a tremble in her voice.

“Come don’t be afraid, no one here will harm you.” His Royal Eminences Said, punting the young woman at ease.

“You have nothing to be afraid of, Please take a seat.” He said pulling out a seat next to where he had been sitting prior to Helens arrival.

“Would you like some wine?” His Royal Eminences asked her, pushing a large crystal glass in front of her.

She was told when she was dispatched by the head of the embassy protocol staff not to refuse anything from His Royal Eminence and then just before leaving she was once aging reminded of the protocol of refusing, so this stuck in her head.

Helen being new to the embassy she had never been allowed to drink the local wines, Helen didn’t realise just how strong this wine was compared to the wine served at functions at the embassy.

Helen sipped at the drink, not wishing to offend, but with encouragement from His Royal Eminences she soon had emptied the fine Cristal glass.

His Royal Eminence clicked his finger, and the glass was filled once again, Helen felt her tummy warming and didn’t want another glass but at the insistence of the His Royal Eminences she sipped at the second glass.

Then the effects of the drink hit her like a sledgehammer, her head was suddenly was spinning, then total blackness.

When Helen awoke, she was lying on a massive bed. She had no idea how she got there. However everyone else just carried on about their business as if she wasn’t there.

She tried to sit up but her head was still spinning then she realised she was naked, all there was to hide her embarrassment was the thin, almost transparent sheet that slid down to her waist exposing her alabaster skin as she tried to sit up.

“Oh you have awoken?” Said His Royal Eminence, as he walked towards the bed where she was lying trying to cover her personal body parts with her hands and the shear sheet.*

“I had my wives undress you to make you more comfortable, it gets hot here in that afternoon.” He said smiling at her in her embarrassment.*

“Do you want a boy to play with? Or one of my wives to get you ready for tonight?” Making a gesturing towards some of the woman that were in the corner of the area.

“Tonight? Your Royal Eminence, I have to be back at the embassy before dark.” Helen said apologetically, trying not to offend His Royal Eminence.

“Oh no my sweetness, your driver has left as instructed. You are my gift for the insult your government has bestowed on me by not presenting the ambassador on the first day of his tenancy. They know how much of an insult this is, so I will enjoy making you my new wife!”

“Get her ready for the marriage feast.” His Royal Eminences ordered, then four women came to attend Helen taking her to an anti-room, with hanging several cross beams supporting the tent, from one of the beams there was a large transparent bladder of creamy coloured liquid, that Helen was placed underneath of.

“What’s that for?” Helen asked of her female captors, looking up at the massive bladder.

“Well it can be used in two ways, both just as effective. I think it would be better if we go from the top until you get used to it.” Then a pair of padded hand cuffs were clamped around Helens wrists then were placed over a hook that was hanging from the beam that the bladder was resting then with a sharp jerk her arms we’re pulled up into the air.*

Then a tube was placed in her mouth. She tried to resist but one woman opened her mouth and the tube was forced into her mouth and pushed down her throat.

Then a tap was turned on and the liquid started to empty and fill her little petite body filling her belly making it bulge as if she was pregnant. Then she realised what this was and it was not for refreshments as two of other women rolled a massive metal bowl to where her feet were just touching the floor.

“Step in.” The oldest of the woman ordered. Helen trued to resist but the women just grabbed one of her legs at a time placing them into the bowl placing her ankles in cuffs that were at either side of the bowl opening her legs ready for what was to happen next.

An hour she was left stood there with the liquid filtering into her then without warning her body let go, from both her bottom and her pee hole the liquid started to flow out and into the massive bowl beneath her, though she was disgusted with what was happening to her, she felt quite refreshed after all the liquid had emptied from the bladder above her.

The women watched as she was emptied by the liquid. “She is ready now bath.” Said the older lady as she was taken down and placed in a bath of refreshing scented water. Several other woman came to her side then began washing her, these women were skilled in making her calm and exited at the same time, speaking softly to her as they gave her orgasm after orgasm from just there touch knowing exactly where her every pleasure centre was and knowing exactly how much pressure to apply to make her release her every inhibition forever.

She soaked in the bath until the women stepped away, then she climbed out of the bath and stood in front of the women, something she never knew she would ever do.

Helen stood there at ease with her plight, as the women dried her pale skin and oiled her body, then they stretched her over a large cushion on her belly and started to massage oil into her rectum with one of the women pushing a well-oiled finger deep into her anus. Thus made her jump a little but she soon became accustomed to the finger and began to push back on the probing finger and felt disappointed when it was removed.

Once the women were done, they led her naked back to the large tent and placed her in the centre of the table. She was splayed out with her knees bent and her feet flat on the table and her hands were off the table then she was told to relax and just allow things to happen naturally or this night could become her last.

Helen felt a needle go into her neck and in seconds she found she found she was unable to move but she could see and feel, taste, smell and hear everything.

The other women stripped naked and took up positions under the table then the boys that also striped and took up places in the empty areas under the table until each seat had someone, a man or woman it didn’t seem to mater under it. Then food was brought in and was placed around the Helen and she became the centre piece of the display of food that began to be place around and on her.

On her belly there were strips and lumps meat and other foods were placed around her breasts and there was other morsels spread over her with bunches of grapes were hung from them.

Gradually her entire body was cover in food there was a small apple pushed into her mouth and something similar place at the lips of her virgin vagina, and finally her oiled anus had something that resembled a banana was inserted deep into it.

Then there was lots of activity she could feel that there was a lot of commotion around her then it all fell silent, there some words spoken in some Arabic language then the feast began.

There was shouting and grabbing of food from around and off her body, it was not long before she was totally uncovered once more. Her mouth was now open since the apple had been removed and she could feel her labia being touched by multiple hands.

The only thing left was the object that was stuffed up her anus this remained there, gradually she found she was able to move her head as she did she saw every seat filled with a man, each of them seemed to be in some state of ecstasy then one man would groan, then get up showing he was naked from the table line pulling whoever was pleasuring him out from under the table and take them away and continue with their sexual adventures in another part of the tent.

 

[Nezhul]

Please don't feel like I'm too critical, just pointing some things out.

Helen entered the massive tent, thinking she would find it sparse with an area for animals and a few camp beds and chairs. But to her surprise it was nothing like she imagineed. The insides of the tent was laid out with beautiful Persian carpets on the floor and cushions with intricate embroidery of golden threads with women and men lounging around enjoying each other with abandonment.

You should combine the first two paragraphs together. The point is that a pargraph should describe a single idea, scene or action, or sometimes an element of the scene, if there's a lot to say about it. Sometimes a sequence of actions that all have the same general aim or idea - for example a character tries to reach an apple on a tree, so her runs to the barn, grabs a ladder, runs back and climbs it. It's many actions, but it's the same general event - getting a ladder to climb a tree. Now, if the ladder was to become unstable and he barely didn't fall - that would be another meaningful event, fit to go to another paragraph.
Here, your character walks in and sees the room. That's a general event of observing the room, and so it makes sence to group it into a single paragraph. Next, after observing the room in general, she sees the main person in the room, and that is the next meaningful event of your story, because you pay attention to it.

Think of sentences as each expressing a singular idea. You can get into more complex sentences, but at first I suggest you stick to simpler writing - one sentence, one idea.
Next, think of paragraphs as each describing a single meaningful event or object. Someone talks - that's a meaningful event. You describe a room - that's an event. Describe a particular character or object in that room? That's an event. Character did something and reached an intermediary goal? Also a meaningful event, and the next step that he makes is the next event.

Helen looked around at the opulence of her surroundings until she saw a large table enough to seat thirty with a man in fine silks robes at the head of it.

Helen walked forward nervously not knowing exactly why she had been chosen to meet the premiere of the country of Lovastani. The man got up from his seat as the terrified woman approached the table.

Notice how you start two paragraphs/sentences in a row with the same word (name in that case). This may really hurt an eye of many readers, you should watch out for that. Even when several paragraphs apart are started similarly that's a problem.
The way to avoid it, is to use descriptives. You don't have to always name the character - you can refer to ehr as "She", because it's in the scope of the same sequence so the reader remembers that it's Helen you are talking about. Or you can refer to her as "the girl", "Blonde", "emissary", "Victim", "Slave", whatever, as long as you've established that such descriptive applies to her.

“So you are the emissary from the polish embassy?” He asked.
*
“Yes I have come to offer you the most humble apologies from the ambassador your royal eminence.” Helen said with a tremble in her voice.

What are these asterisks you put in your text? You shouldn't.
Also I commend you on already avoiding the pitfall that many authors fall into. You are properly using the "Show don't tell" rule, in other words relaying her emotional state by describing how she looks or how her voice sounds, instead of flat-out telling that she was nervous. You CAN tell that directly - don't think it's a rule to avoid it. But the less you tell and the more you show - the better your story will read.

“Come don’t be afraid, no one here will harm you. You have nothing to be afraid of, Please take a seat, would you like some wine?” His Royal Eminences asked her, putting her at ease somewhat.

Let's look at the second sentence of his. It's basically three different sentences.
You have nothing to be afraid of - that's a statement.
Please, take a seat - that's a suggestion, completely independent of the previous statement, so it should be a differnt sentence. Remember - one sentence is one thought. You even capitalized it, so at least subconsciously you understand that =)
Would you like some wine? - is a question, again, it's independent of previous two sentences and should be its own thing.

She was told as she was dispatched

It's better to use "When" instead of "As" here.
"As" implies that the character is doing something while he also doing something else. For example walking as he speaks. Also it kind of implies continuity, not simply an event. Being told something is an event, not a continuous thing. Hearing somethign continuously is a different story.
But when something happens WHEN something else is happening, you shoudl use that word, I feel. =)

She was told as she was dispatched by the head of the embassy protocol staff not to refuse anything from His Royal Eminence before leaving

OK, here you already mentioned that she was told that at the time she was dispatched, so when you add "Before leaving" it's like saying the same thing twice. You refer to the time when something happened twice in different ways, and that really feels like a bucket of cold water on the reader, because when he'd read some info once, he doesn't expect to be told it again, and such things break immersion.

but not having ever been allowed to drink the local wines, Helen didn’t realise just how strong this wine was compared to the wine served at functions at the embassy.

I would split it into a different sentence, because her lack of experience of wine doesn't really have anything to do with her being told to suck up to the Guy. It's, again, a different idea, so it deserves to be its own sentence.
Something like:
"But she'd never been allowed to try local wines before, and underestimated just how strong this wine was compared to the wine served at functions at the embassy."

Also, here's a tip about story continuity. So in this story you are basically following one character, right? Where she goes, you as an author follow.
If Helen realized that the vine was strong at this point in time after tasting it, then you tell about this here.
However if she hadn't realized yet, then there's no need telling the reader that the vine is too strong for her. Even if you use an omniscent 3rd-person narration (meaning as a narrator you know everything, even things your characted doesn't) - there's no need telling this here. It's just a piece of information that doesn't have resolution for some time yet, no effect. You're better off just withholding that information for now, and telling the reader when she starts feeling tipsy.

Helen sipped at the drink, not wishing to offend, but with encouragement from the man she soon had emptied the fine Cristal glass.

That's much better than gulping it down. But it seems a bit bland. If you at this point insert that they made some small talk while he boasted about his riches, and he constantly encouraged her to drink so she drank it all - that'd feel much more natural.
Or say that he constantly drank from his own goblet, and she did too, to look polite, mirroring him.

His Royal Eminence clicked his finger, and the glass was filled once again. She felt her tummy warming and didn’t want another glass but at the insistence of the man she sipped at the second glass.

Split those sentences.

Then the effects of the drink hit her like a sledgehammer, her head was suddenly was spinning, then total blackness.

It doesn't really happen like that, instantaneously. That said, strong drinks and poisons can quick in rather fast. You are better off to describe that when she drank some more her vision started to swim and her head spun. She felt a sense of vertigo and then passed out.
Even better, is to stretch it through time. Tell how she starts feeling faint and diszzy, but at this moment the Guy encourages her to drink again, and she forces ehrself to comply. And then her head spins and she passes out.

One last advice. Re-writing the thing is awesome and hopefully you are getting some advice from it, but this really has a danger of leaving you without anything at all to show for the day.
It's much better to sit down and write on, write further, develop your story. You can add the edits later.
With writing, the more you write - the better you do it.

Good luck!

 

[KindredFlame]

Ok thanks again.

I have changed things along the lines of your suggestions that I totally appreciate.
I did the edit on the the last post hope you think the cha ges are worth your efforts? KF

Please don't feel like I'm too critical, just pointing some things out.

You should combine the first two paragraphs together. The point is that a pargraph should describe a single idea, scene or action, or sometimes an element of the scene, if there's a lot to say about it. Sometimes a sequence of actions that all have the same general aim or idea - for example a character tries to reach an apple on a tree, so her runs to the barn, grabs a ladder, runs back and climbs it. It's many actions, but it's the same general event - getting a ladder to climb a tree. Now, if the ladder was to become unstable and he barely didn't fall - that would be another meaningful event, fit to go to another paragraph.
Here, your character walks in and sees the room. That's a general event of observing the room, and so it makes sence to group it into a single paragraph. Next, after observing the room in general, she sees the main person in the room, and that is the next meaningful event of your story, because you pay attention to it.

Think of sentences as each expressing a singular idea. You can get into more complex sentences, but at first I suggest you stick to simpler writing - one sentence, one idea.
Next, think of paragraphs as each describing a single meaningful event or object. Someone talks - that's a meaningful event. You describe a room - that's an event. Describe a particular character or object in that room? That's an event. Character did something and reached an intermediary goal? Also a meaningful event, and the next step that he makes is the next event.

Notice how you start two paragraphs/sentences in a row with the same word (name in that case). This may really hurt an eye of many readers, you should watch out for that. Even when several paragraphs apart are started similarly that's a problem.
The way to avoid it, is to use descriptives. You don't have to always name the character - you can refer to ehr as "She", because it's in the scope of the same sequence so the reader remembers that it's Helen you are talking about. Or you can refer to her as "the girl", "Blonde", "emissary", "Victim", "Slave", whatever, as long as you've established that such descriptive applies to her.

What are these asterisks you put in your text? You shouldn't.
Also I commend you on already avoiding the pitfall that many authors fall into. You are properly using the "Show don't tell" rule, in other words relaying her emotional state by describing how she looks or how her voice sounds, instead of flat-out telling that she was nervous. You CAN tell that directly - don't think it's a rule to avoid it. But the less you tell and the more you show - the better your story will read.

Let's look at the second sentence of his. It's basically three different sentences.
You have nothing to be afraid of - that's a statement.
Please, take a seat - that's a suggestion, completely independent of the previous statement, so it should be a differnt sentence. Remember - one sentence is one thought. You even capitalized it, so at least subconsciously you understand that =)
Would you like some wine? - is a question, again, it's independent of previous two sentences and should be its own thing.

It's better to use "When" instead of "As" here.
"As" implies that the character is doing something while he also doing something else. For example walking as he speaks. Also it kind of implies continuity, not simply an event. Being told something is an event, not a continuous thing. Hearing somethign continuously is a different story.
But when something happens WHEN something else is happening, you shoudl use that word, I feel. =)

OK, here you already mentioned that she was told that at the time she was dispatched, so when you add "Before leaving" it's like saying the same thing twice. You refer to the time when something happened twice in different ways, and that really feels like a bucket of cold water on the reader, because when he'd read some info once, he doesn't expect to be told it again, and such things break immersion.

I would split it into a different sentence, because her lack of experience of wine doesn't really have anything to do with her being told to suck up to the Guy. It's, again, a different idea, so it deserves to be its own sentence.
Something like:
"But she'd never been allowed to try local wines before, and underestimated just how strong this wine was compared to the wine served at functions at the embassy."

Also, here's a tip about story continuity. So in this story you are basically following one character, right? Where she goes, you as an author follow.
If Helen realized that the vine was strong at this point in time after tasting it, then you tell about this here.
However if she hadn't realized yet, then there's no need telling the reader that the vine is too strong for her. Even if you use an omniscent 3rd-person narration (meaning as a narrator you know everything, even things your characted doesn't) - there's no need telling this here. It's just a piece of information that doesn't have resolution for some time yet, no effect. You're better off just withholding that information for now, and telling the reader when she starts feeling tipsy.

That's much better than gulping it down. But it seems a bit bland. If you at this point insert that they made some small talk while he boasted about his riches, and he constantly encouraged her to drink so she drank it all - that'd feel much more natural.
Or say that he constantly drank from his own goblet, and she did too, to look polite, mirroring him.

Split those sentences.

It doesn't really happen like that, instantaneously. That said, strong drinks and poisons can quick in rather fast. You are better off to describe that when she drank some more her vision started to swim and her head spun. She felt a sense of vertigo and then passed out.
Even better, is to stretch it through time. Tell how she starts feeling faint and diszzy, but at this moment the Guy encourages her to drink again, and she forces ehrself to comply. And then her head spins and she passes out.

One last advice. Re-writing the thing is awesome and hopefully you are getting some advice from it, but this really has a danger of leaving you without anything at all to show for the day.
It's much better to sit down and write on, write further, develop your story. You can add the edits later.
With writing, the more you write - the better you do it.

Good luck!

 

[KindredFlame]

Last rewrite

Helen entered the massive tent, thinking she would find it sparse with an area for animals and a few camp beds and chairs. But to her surprise it was nothing like she imagined. The insides of the tent was laid out with beautiful Persian carpets on the floor and cushions with intricate embroidery of golden threads with women and men lounging around enjoying each other with abandonment.

Looking around at the opulence of her surroundings Helen was taking it all in, until she saw a large table enough to seat thirty with a man in fine silks robes at the head of it. Helen walked forward nervously not knowing exactly why she had been chosen to meet the premiere of the country of Lovastani. The man got up from his seat as the terrified woman approached the table.

“So you are the emissary from the polish embassy?” He asked. His deep green eyes looking Helen over as if she was a prized horse.

“Yes I have come to offer you the most humble apologies from the ambassador Your Royal Eminence.” Helen said, with a tremble in her voice.

“Come don’t be afraid, no one here will harm you.” His Royal Eminences Said, punting the young woman at ease.

“You have nothing to be afraid of, Please take a seat.” He said pulling out a seat next to where he had been sitting prior to Helens arrival.

“Would you like some wine?” His Royal Eminences asked her, pushing a large crystal glass in front of her.

She was told when she was dispatched by the head of the embassy protocol staff not to refuse anything from His Royal Eminence and then just before leaving she was once aging reminded of the protocol of refusing, so this stuck in her head.

Helen being new to the embassy she had never been allowed to drink the local wines, Helen didn’t realise just how strong this wine was compared to the wine served at functions at the embassy.

Helen sipped at the drink, not wishing to offend, but with encouragement from His Royal Eminences she soon had emptied the fine Cristal glass.

His Royal Eminence clicked his finger, and the glass was filled once again, Helen felt her tummy warming and didn’t want another glass but at the insistence of the His Royal Eminences she sipped at the second glass.

Then the effects of the drink hit her like a sledgehammer, her head was suddenly was spinning, then total blackness.

When Helen awoke, she was lying on a massive bed. She had no idea how she got there. However everyone else just carried on about their business as if she wasn’t there.

She tried to sit up but her head was still spinning then she realised she was naked, all there was to hide her embarrassment was the thin, almost transparent sheet that slid down to her waist exposing her alabaster skin as she tried to sit up.

“Oh you have awoken?” Said His Royal Eminence, as he walked towards the bed where she was lying trying to cover her personal body parts with her hands and the shear sheet.*

“I had my wives undress you to make you more comfortable, it gets hot here in that afternoon.” He said smiling at her in her embarrassment.*

“Do you want a boy to play with? Or one of my wives to get you ready for tonight?” Making a gesturing towards some of the woman that were in the corner of the area.

“Tonight? Your Royal Eminence, I have to be back at the embassy before dark.” Helen said apologetically, trying not to offend His Royal Eminence.

“Oh no my sweetness, your driver has left as instructed. You are my gift for the insult your government has bestowed on me by not presenting the ambassador on the first day of his tenancy. They know how much of an insult this is, so I will enjoy making you my new wife!”

“Get her ready for the marriage feast.” His Royal Eminences ordered, then four women came to attend Helen taking her to an anti-room, with hanging several cross beams supporting the tent, from one of the beams there was a large transparent bladder of creamy coloured liquid, that Helen was placed underneath of.

“What’s that for?” Helen asked of her female captors, looking up at the massive bladder.

“Well it can be used in two ways, both just as effective. I think it would be better if we go from the top until you get used to it.” Then a pair of padded hand cuffs were clamped around Helens wrists then were placed over a hook that was hanging from the beam that the bladder was resting then with a sharp jerk her arms we’re pulled up into the air.*

Then a tube was placed in her mouth. She tried to resist but one woman opened her mouth and the tube was forced into her mouth and pushed down her throat.

Then a tap was turned on and the liquid started to empty and fill her little petite body filling her belly making it bulge as if she was pregnant. Then she realised what this was and it was not for refreshments as two of other women rolled a massive metal bowl to where her feet were just touching the floor.

“Step in.” The oldest of the woman ordered. Helen trued to resist but the women just grabbed one of her legs at a time placing them into the bowl placing her ankles in cuffs that were at either side of the bowl opening her legs ready for what was to happen next.

An hour she was left stood there with the liquid filtering into her then without warning her body let go, from both her bottom and her pee hole the liquid started to flow out and into the massive bowl beneath her, though she was disgusted with what was happening to her, she felt quite refreshed after all the liquid had emptied from the bladder above her.

The women watched as she was emptied by the liquid. “She is ready now bath.” Said the older lady as she was taken down and placed in a bath of refreshing scented water. Several other woman came to her side then began washing her, these women were skilled in making her calm and exited at the same time, speaking softly to her as they gave her orgasm after orgasm from just there touch knowing exactly where her every pleasure centre was and knowing exactly how much pressure to apply to make her release her every inhibition forever.

She soaked in the bath until the women stepped away, then she climbed out of the bath and stood in front of the women, something she never knew she would ever do.

Helen stood there at ease with her plight, as the women dried her pale skin and oiled her body, then they stretched her over a large cushion on her belly and started to massage oil into her rectum with one of the women pushing a well-oiled finger deep into her anus. Thus made her jump a little but she soon became accustomed to the finger and began to push back on the probing finger and felt disappointed when it was removed.

Once the women were done, they led her naked back to the large tent and placed her in the centre of the table. She was splayed out with her knees bent and her feet flat on the table and her hands were off the table then she was told to relax and just allow things to happen naturally or this night could become her last.

Helen felt a needle go into her neck and in seconds she found she found she was unable to move but she could see and feel, taste, smell and hear everything.

The other women stripped naked and took up positions under the table then the boys that also striped and took up places in the empty areas under the table until each seat had someone, a man or woman it didn’t seem to mater under it. Then food was brought in and was placed around the Helen and she became the centre piece of the display of food that began to be place around and on her.

On her belly there were strips and lumps meat and other foods were placed around her breasts and there was other morsels spread over her with bunches of grapes were hung from them.

Gradually her entire body was cover in food there was a small apple pushed into her mouth and something similar place at the lips of her virgin vagina, and finally her oiled anus had something that resembled a banana was inserted deep into it.

Then there was lots of activity she could feel that there was a lot of commotion around her then it all fell silent, there some words spoken in some Arabic language then the feast began.

There was shouting and grabbing of food from around and off her body, it was not long before she was totally uncovered once more. Her mouth was now open since the apple had been removed and she could feel her labia being touched by multiple hands.

The only thing left was the object that was stuffed up her anus this remained there, gradually she found she was able to move her head as she did she saw every seat filled with a man, each of them seemed to be in some state of ecstasy then one man would groan, then get up showing he was naked from the table line pulling whoever was pleasuring him out from under the table and take them away and continue with their sexual adventures in another part of the tent.

 

[Nezhul]

Things your text still lacks:
1) proper use of dialogue tags.
he said, she said, he asked, etc - in all of those cases the direct speech ends with a comma and the dialogue tag begins with small letter.
There are more rules to that, so read up about dialogue tags yourself.

2) Commas and punctuation in general is probably currently your weakest point. It's a good thing though, because you can easily learn that, but it's much harder to learn to imagine a good scene, which you are doing decently well.

3) Still I don't understand why are you using "*" signs periodically. That's something that normally is never used in literature, other than to indicate a start of a new scene (and then it's used in a tripple, ***). But I try to avoid them all together.

4) plot-wise, she's too complacent. She basically just found out that she was sold into slavery to a man she knows for less than an hour, than some liquid is being force fed to her.
At that point, what would YOU do in her place? Kicking, screaming, calling for help, crying crocodile tears, biting, scratching, begging... The fear and despair that comes at such a moment deserves more than a stale "Helen tried to resist". It deserves an entire scene IMO.
Or, if she comes from a setting that she's likely to accept her fate rather complacently, then you still should describe her inner turmoil, her regret, hopes and fears. Her bitterness towards her government. Faint hope that maybe it won't be that bad. Telling herself over and over that it can't be helped, trying to find ways to ease her mental suffering.
And even still the person goes through standard routine of denial-anger-acceptance in such a situation, and it's reasonable to follow that as an author.
Tell me how your character feels. Otherwise, if you simply say she tried to struggle - I see her as little more than soul-less doll.

once aging remind

again

She tried to sit up but her head was still spinning. Then she realised she was naked

Recommend a new sentence here. Again, it's a new idea. First, the actiuon of sitting and feeling unwell. Then realizing that she's naked.

 

[KindredFlame]

Dislexia Sucks

I miss thease things due to dislexia. I don’t see things like this. I thought I did well. I guess I need to try a lot harder. Or I am just useless and not worth the effort. Thank you though. KF

Things your text still lacks:
1) proper use of dialogue tags.
he said, she said, he asked, etc - in all of those cases the direct speech ends with a comma and the dialogue tag begins with small letter.
There are more rules to that, so read up about dialogue tags yourself.

2) Commas and punctuation in general is probably currently your weakest point. It's a good thing though, because you can easily learn that, but it's much harder to learn to imagine a good scene, which you are doing decently well.

3) Still I don't understand why are you using "*" signs periodically. That's something that normally is never used in literature, other than to indicate a start of a new scene (and then it's used in a tripple, ***). But I try to avoid them all together.

4) plot-wise, she's too complacent. She basically just found out that she was sold into slavery to a man she knows for less than an hour, than some liquid is being force fed to her.
At that point, what would YOU do in her place? Kicking, screaming, calling for help, crying crocodile tears, biting, scratching, begging... The fear and despair that comes at such a moment deserves more than a stale "Helen tried to resist". It deserves an entire scene IMO.
Or, if she comes from a setting that she's likely to accept her fate rather complacently, then you still should describe her inner turmoil, her regret, hopes and fears. Her bitterness towards her government. Faint hope that maybe it won't be that bad. Telling herself over and over that it can't be helped, trying to find ways to ease her mental suffering.
And even still the person goes through standard routine of denial-anger-acceptance in such a situation, and it's reasonable to follow that as an author.
Tell me how your character feels. Otherwise, if you simply say she tried to struggle - I see her as little more than soul-less doll.

again

Recommend a new sentence here. Again, it's a new idea. First, the actiuon of sitting and feeling unwell. Then realizing that she's naked.

 

[KindredFlame]

Astrix

I don’t know where they com from when I paste into the window they just are appearing.

It must be todo with the font?

She is compliant because her instructions until it is to late. By this time the drugs in the drink or just the drink it’s self has made her more compliant.

 

[Nezhul]

Don't say you're useless - you are honestly doing much better than most on this site.

As for not noticing some things due to dyslexia - I can understand that. With some things (like proper use of dialogue tags) it's a matter of learning a few simple rules by heart and being mindful when you type. Like, every time you do a direct speech, you should think: "OK, I'm doing speech now, what do I put in the end? Is there a dialogue tag, or do I put a descriptive sentence after it? What do I use, comma or full stop?

It's quite easy mechanical skill to learn IMO.

For everything else - I think that you should use an editor. Or, if you can't find one - just keep writing.

Here's a tip: there will be people who criticize your style or your author's decisions like I do. One way to look at it is to become frustrated and upset with how poorly you've done - and it's the WRONG way of looking at it.
The right way is to be happy about seeing such comments. They mean that you've got your readers invested enough in your story that they decided to criticize it. They are doing it not to show you how bad you are - but in hopes that you're gonna be much better next time, because they liked your writing in general.
You should treat each of such comments seriously, and think of how to improve next time.

And don't give up. Write more. But do it mindfully. I've pointed at your grammar here - and the very best thing to do for you is go online, read up about dialogue tags, learn them, like you did in school, by heart, and then immediately go to write something. And each time you write - take time to think of those rules and apply them. If you feel you aren't sure - just open them and find out the answer.

I guarantee, after a few pages of written text it becomes much easier, almost automatic to do so.

Good luck!

 

[KindredFlame]

Thank You.

Thank you I am just a bit down today! (Personal Problems) I do appreciate all of this effort you have put in to help me. KF

I am typing on a very old iPad that doesn’t work very well and I have noticed that every now and again it misses letters out of words and the full stop only works when it wants to. Then add dislexia I can’t win.

Don't say you're useless - you are honestly doing much better than most on this site.

As for not noticing some things due to dyslexia - I can understand that. With some things (like proper use of dialogue tags) it's a matter of learning a few simple rules by heart and being mindful when you type. Like, every time you do a direct speech, you should think: "OK, I'm doing speech now, what do I put in the end? Is there a dialogue tag, or do I put a descriptive sentence after it? What do I use, comma or full stop?

It's quite easy mechanical skill to learn IMO.

For everything else - I think that you should use an editor. Or, if you can't find one - just keep writing.

Here's a tip: there will be people who criticize your style or your author's decisions like I do. One way to look at it is to become frustrated and upset with how poorly you've done - and it's the WRONG way of looking at it.
The right way is to be happy about seeing such comments. They mean that you've got your readers invested enough in your story that they decided to criticize it. They are doing it not to show you how bad you are - but in hopes that you're gonna be much better next time, because they liked your writing in general.
You should treat each of such comments seriously, and think of how to improve next time.

And don't give up. Write more. But do it mindfully. I've pointed at your grammar here - and the very best thing to do for you is go online, read up about dialogue tags, learn them, like you did in school, by heart, and then immediately go to write something. And each time you write - take time to think of those rules and apply them. If you feel you aren't sure - just open them and find out the answer.

I guarantee, after a few pages of written text it becomes much easier, almost automatic to do so.

Good luck!