new gay/bi male stories from a new guy

[John Hamilton]

Hi. My name is John. I'm new to Literotica and I'm looking for some feedback on my stories. They're all in the Gay male catagory and tend to be about oral sex or masturbation. I hope you like them.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=268191

 

[Chicklet]

The Power Of Cock

So, first of all, I now have "The power of love" stuck in my head since I just watched Back To The Future the other night and this title was sort of similar, so forgive me if I break into song later on in this post.

I chose this story because of the description; I like D/s, it sounds like D/s, so let's see what I can make of the story.

Overall, I didn't like it a whole lot, but then it just wasn't my thing. No problems there, that doesn't mean it's not good. Some things distracted me from the story; shift in tenses, a few poorly chosen words, lack of description. Let me elaborate further down.

Love the introduction at the top. Very cute, very honest. Had to mention it = )

In some places your descriptions are a little bit confusing. Without commas and perhaps with less than perfect word choices, my brain got a little muddled at parts. For instance:

I needed to jack off like crazy but my roommate was in the room so I went to the bathroom in the food court building.

This sentence in the first paragraph seems sort of awkward. First off I find it hard to believe that a sophomore couldn't just wait a little while for his roommie to leave...but besides that, the second half needs some tweaking. "Went to the bathroom" sort of conjurs certain images in my mind. Instead of the word "went" maybe you should have used something a little more descriptive: "So I wandered to the bathroom" "So I vanished to the bathroom" "So I was forced to disapear to the bathroom" etc - do you see what I'm saying?

In very few places you've got a couple of problems with periods in dialogue:

"But I thought you wanted a manly cock in that virgin mouth of yours."

"I do"

There needs to be a period after "do" before the end quotations.

I think that I only noticed that twice, and now I can't even find the second example, so I wouldn't worry about it too much if I were you. Just keep in mind that it has a tendency to happen when you get too excited about writing out the dialogue. It happens to me, too = )

Tense changes are always a problem in erotica. I think that authors get really excited about getting the story done, or else they get involved in what's going on in the story, and tend to forget themselves. I saw tenses shift a few times in your story:

I didn't know what to do other than get out of there quick. I wiped the cum off my dick, zipped up, and opened the door. The guy was standing there writing something on a piece of paper. I went to the sink and quickly washed my shaking hands.

"So you liked what you saw? I think you would make a good cocksucker, I could always use another one. Here's my number." He hands me the paper.

See, the first part, as your story, is in past tense. Then you shift, just for a little while, then it goes back to past.

When I got over there he standing there completely naked with an unerect dick .

Again, the first part of the sentence is in past, then one word shifts it to present. Easy mistake to make, easy mistake to fix.

Basically, I think you have a good story there. There are a few things you could do to make your writing hotter, besides fixing the tense shifts. I like to read descriptions of the characters, not stats though. I didn't know anything about any of your characters. Was the guys hair dark, light, bald? Was his face hard, soft, laughing, big, small, etc? What were his lips like? What expressions and noises did he make when his cock was getting sucked? Those are little things you can add to make the story more exciting for readers.

Good job and I hope to see more of you in the future = )

Chicklet