New Erotica Writer Seeking Expierenced Author's Feedback On Small Grammatical Issues

[LuciousBi-Writes4U]

Hi this is LuciousBi-Writes4U,

I'm very new here at Literotica, and new to the world of Erotic Writing.

I would love to get some feedback from some of you more seasoned authors.... I would like to be able to make money at this one day.... for now it is a hobby. And the real job is freelancing in Children's Lit and news, parenting magazines, etc. whatever comes along...

here are links to my 1st three erotic stories ever..... and I do mean ever, even just for fun.

I wrote them for hubby originally, he loves to read Erotica. It was just to see what he thought since he reads it everyday I figured he'd be a good judge! LOL

But I would love to learn from any of you that have input for me!
thanks again!
LuciousBi-Writes4U

Stories from the newest to oldest:

Kit and Kat Do Lunch at the Y! - Lesbian Sex - 2/7/05
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=183651


Petals of Pleasure: A Valentine for the Mind, Body, & Soul (2005 Valentine's Story Contest) - Romance 2/6/05
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=184406


The Birthday Adventure- Loving Wives - 12/06/04
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=174172


Thank you for your time and feedback,
LuciousBi

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Okay, I read Kit and Kat, and the grammar is fine (very colloquial, but that's your style: breathy and direct), but I think you need to consider punctuation a bit more carefully. Punctuation gives pace. We see a comma coming, and we mentally read towards it with one intonation; but if it's a semicolon or a full stop we prepare a different intonation, and if there's nothing we haven't got much clue that we have to slow up or pause.

Take this line: I reached down, my eyes never leaving hers and shoved my finger into her wet cunt.

Punctuated that way, it falls into two halves: I reached down, then my eyes never leaving hers and shoved my finger into her wet cunt. -- The second half runs on from a minor clause "my eyes never leaving hers" into the main clause "(I) shoved". The sentence is actually "I reached... , and shoved..." with the main break before "and".

Next sentence begins: She gasped with excitement she couldn't even look at me then -- no comma, so we read it run all together as one action.

There are lots of places where the flow could be improved just with punctuation. My two examples were particularly clear ones. I think the actual word choice is fine, realistic and immediate: it's how you would speak, so it's how you should write it. But as we can't literally hear your voice, we need its rises and falls to be marked more carefully.

 

[LuciousBi-Writes4U]

Thank you so much for the advice and the clear examples..... and both do make perfect sense!

are you in the volunteer editing program??

If not you should be!

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Well, I looked at Petals of Pleasure too. A minor point is that you seem to be letting a spelling-checker take charge, because the spelling errors are existing words (like 'new' for 'knew', 'there' for 'their').

This is interesting, as it's in a more conventional 'writing' voice, not colloquial like the previous one. Once again, you've basically got the imagery right, and you're choosing good words to convey it. The scene is clear, is paced right, and makes sense. Keep writing.

What it is is a little too direct, too simple: a single two-line paragraph disposes of a meal, a few drinks, and some dancing. Whereas a lot of the point of this story is to lovingly detail the romantic scene, to draw out the sensuous effect of it. (Okay, I said it was paced right, but this little bit isn't.) When you say "Craig had made everything so beautiful and so romantic", that's saying her thoughts in a few words, but really the whole story should be building up those thoughts: just to say it baldly like that is less effective.

Around that area you use the word 'wonderful' three times. Reread carefully, and try to reread as an outsider: someone who hasn't already got the scene clear in their head. First, you'll pick up accidentally repeated words like that, and secondly you'll notice that it isn't a very strong word. Rose petals and baths and wine are much better ways of saying wonderful and romantic than the words 'wonderful' and 'romantic'.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I'm not in the volunteer editor program because I don't really want to feel like I'm 'on call' for any story anyone asks me about. If I confine my efforts to here, I can pop in occasionally and comment on stories in categories I like and where I think the writer has potential.

 

[LuciousBi-Writes4U]

Hi again,

yes the voice issue....... each of my stories is a bit different ... becuase it comes from a diferent place inside me.. and I right from where it comes! LOL

the Kit and Kat story is more like a retelling... actually it is a retelling of my own expierence with my girl friend .... the only thing I changed was the names! LOL

So it has a lettery type of air to it.


I originally wrote kit and kat to post at WW and that is pretty much all men that have no background in writing what so ever, and don't want to read too much ...they just wanted to hear about how a real bi-sexual women screws her girlfriend and husband and dream about what it would be like to be my husband! LOL

okay......... I'm gonna send the rest of these in individual posts... I got a long way to go to get to use my avatar!

 

[LuciousBi-Writes4U]

ok petals........


The petals story is an ellaboration of the valentines night that my hubby asked me to marry him....note i left that part out of the story as well.
I changed the names and the places in which things happened (like parking lot after work, was actually community college parking lot after classes) the notes.... i definetly worded those my self... can't remeber exactly what his said 8 years ago! LOL I know it had the rose are red violets are blue and ?? ??? I love you part! obviously

I didn't use real names or anything close to them and I ellaborated enough for this to be fiction based on a past expierence rather than a retelling of a true story...or non-fiction like the kit and kat story is.

After all expierences are what writing is based on wether it is a life time, or one single momment in time that made a lasting impression. That is where good stuff comes from!

 

[LuciousBi-Writes4U]

your thoughts on petals........

I see your point with the wording and with the show beautiful and wonderful .... don't tell!
As a writer of children's fiction and non-fiction I KNOW that.....I think though that when we cross mediums and are out of our normal comfort area of writing.... we tend to forget some of the basics that come to us naturally without thought in our own niche! LOL

I think the reason that i cut some of the "romantic crap" out and got to the sex has to do with the male audience! LOL

They don't really like to read a lot of wordy stuff before getting into the real "fun".

We women like the roses and feelings! LOL

so... trying to reach a bit of a balance, although you're right a few sentences more of ellaboration would have made the story flow better.

Although it's been getting good feeback from the readers themselves.
But they aren't so concerned with grammar, punctuation and spelling orspell checker word reversals as we are
since i want to be succesful not only at my childrens Lit but this too (I know go Judy Bloom right! ) it is important for me to learn to better my work where i can.

 

[LuciousBi-Writes4U]

If in your post you meant that you think I have potential.....Thank you.

With a BA in English, Language Arts Concentration (nk-5 grades),
and 2/3 of an MA in Children's Literature .... and a few clips (puvlishing credits) to my name...... I'm smart enough to know my stuff is not absolute crap. LOL

Besides, if it were, then the very first erotic story i ever wrote would not have an H on it in the list here! LOL

And I do mean that I wrote it and submitted then... didn't wrie it two years ago or anything... just 2 months ago. And it was the very first one I had ever done.

I am also smart enough to realize that someone else can always give you feedback that is benificial, either in part or in whole. It's a take what you wnat leave what you don't kinda thing!

I looked over petals for errors and so did my husband. Just goes to show you that others can always pick up your mistakes better than you can. I guess knowing what it is suppose to say on a line...that you can read it as if it's write even when it's not.
I know I've done that before!
LOL
I did not send either of these to a volunteer editor like I did my first story. I was rushing to get the valentine one in before the deadline.

I know now that I should use one the next time and try to train my eye a little better myself!
better go re-read my chapter on comma usage! LOL


Thanks again.... I'll try to make changes to the things you mentioned.