New Drugs, Finely Tailored, Cure Woes

[TWB]

According to Maureen Dowd of the New York Times, several new antidepressant drugs will likely be hitting the market soon. Hopefully some of these can help some of us.


Gorzac: Works to counteract nausea that occurs when you turn on the TV and see Al promising to "let it rip" and lay his heart bare. Tell your doctors what medicines you are taking. Dangerous side effects if taken in combination with Liebertin, Edwardsox or Kerrytonin. Severe headaches could drive you to consider voting for the incumbent.

 

[TWB]

Elitex:

Settles your stomach when you learn that the president, who says he is outraged by the insider trading and accounting shenanigans in corporate America, may have enjoyed his own sweetheart deal when he was a director of Harken Energy, a Texas oil firm.

 

[TWB]

Hallibutrin:

Treats the everyday stresses of S.E.C. scrutiny of accounting tricks at Halliburton, where Dick Cheney was once C.E.O. and became a multimillionaire. Side effect: excessive secrecy and delusions of presidency. (This lasts 115 minutes.)

 

[TWB]

Marthaxx:

Works to correct the fear, for those who are socially phobic and sitting alone in their hot little apartments, that everyone else is at fun cocktail parties in the Hamptons, trading insider stock tips that ensure that they get bigger mansions there and you stay trapped in your hot little apartment. Side effect: The only color you want to paint your walls is plain old white.

 

[TWB]

Moral Claritin:

Relieves the confusion and whiplash you feel over President Bush's Middle East policy. Allays your dark suspicions that the president's abrupt decision to stop dealing with Yasir Arafat was dictated by his fidgetiness at having to sit through any more of Condi's wonkish briefings on Arafat. Side effect: May induce Napoleonic pretensions in Israeli prime minister.

 

[TWB]

Ashcroxx:

Combats irritability and sleep disruptions brought on by unfathomable color-coded charts, politically timed terror warnings and dismantling of civil liberties. Side effects: compulsive love of Second Amendment, compulsive aversion to First Amendment, inexplicable affection for capital punishment.

 

[TWB]

Carmelexa:

Relieves the combination of annoyance and despair you feel when told that new "Sopranos" episodes have been delayed another two years while they fine-tune first five minutes of third episode. Side effects: May cause temporary loss of interest in "Godfather" movies and irrational aversion to New Jersey.

 

[TWB]

Bozoloft:

Alleviates anger and fear triggered when you hear administration officials claim that Al Qaeda has been disrupted and you know Osama is still out there plotting to pounce. Side effect: May induce uncontrollable urge to vote for Al Gore.

 

[TWB]

Rovediskfalla:

Relieves anxiety caused by undesired disclosures regarding campaign strategy. Side effects: may cause behavior which will land user in jail for using public funds to plot Republican strategy.