New definitions

[middlestump1]

In homage to a favourite radio show of mine in the Uk, I'm starting this thread. It's simple, but needs imagination and a strange way of looking at/hearing words.


First example:

Word: Dictator

Definition: a humourously-shaped root vegetable

 

[middlestump1]

Word: colonnade

Definition: a fizzy enema

 

[middlestump1]

Word: Gurgle

Definition: to steal a ventriloquist's dummy

 

[middlestump1]

Word: Snuff box

Definition: a coffin

 

[cookiejar]

Benign: Definition

What you be after you be eight.

 

[middlestump1]

Word: Toronto

Definition: what a drunken Lone Ranger calls his sidekick

 

[cookiejar]

Coffee : Definition

a person who is coughed upon.

 

[middlestump1]

Word: hydrangea

Definition: what tonto says to his sidekick when the baddies are coming

 

[middlestump1]

Word: circumspect

Definition: the point of view of a rabbi

 

[cookiejar]

Balderdash : Definition

a rapidly receding hairline.

 

[middlestump1]

Word: Humpty-Dumpty

Definition: someone who's been humped and dumped

 

[cookiejar]

Afterbirth: Definition

When the hard part begins.

 

[cookiejar]

Flatulence: Definition

the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you have been run over by a steamroller.

 

[cookiejar]

Barium: Definition

What doctors do when patients die.

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

Anal retentive:

The ability to keep a butt plug in for hours.

 

[cookiejar]

MS...I found these...any woman who has been pregnant will sympathize...


Cravings: An excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Dilation: One of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.

Elastiphobia: Fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World
Records for "Most Stretch Marks."

Maternity clothes: What a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.

Miracles: (1) The birth of a baby. (2) The fact that you lived to tell about it.

Obstetrician: The doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.

Pregnant pause: The amount of time it takes for a nine- month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.

Prenatal: When your life was still your own.

Pushing: The final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.

First trimester: The first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"

Second trimester: The time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"

Third trimester: The final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"