New BD author to Lit...

[Esclava]

I'm a new author and wrote this story after a friend told me I missed my calling to be a writer. Please read my story and tell me if they were lying to me.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=141405

Thank you,

Esclava

 

[Rainbow Skin]

You've certainly got a command of the language allowing you to make complex sentences easily. They fit together and accurately describe what you want. So that's an important part of writing, and you should be able to create good stories.

So: overall good, and don't take the following criticisms too negatively. I hope they're of use.

This one is rather stiff. In large part that's because of the lack of real dialogue, having only this stylized role-playing. Now this whole master/slave thing bores me, so I'm just not getting any pleasure that this play might convey to others; but I think even for aficionados there ought to be some character coming out, and the stylization prevents this.

It's also unadventurous as a piece of writing. It simply describes the main events from beginning to end. Now even a short story, even of a single page, shouldn't do that. There are thousands of stories on this site that are just the people stripping and having sex, and you need some originality of approach, some details and background that aren't in other people's, to make yours stand out. This will also be true just within the BDSM category. So I think one thing you need to look at is whatever you can do for development, freshness, uniqueness.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Dr. M doesn’t like stories where the characters refer to themselves in third person. Dr. M finds it kind of pompous and irritating, and so Dr. M had a hard time with this one.

Okay, seriously. Maybe you did miss your calling. You write well, but it's a bit mechanical for my tastes. The story was very precise and tightly controlled and after a while I kind of felt like I was suffocating in there. I really wanted one of the characters to break out of the stereotype and do something human for a change, or feel something or maybe say something that wasn’t so patently scripted.

I think the story should do well and get a good rating, but for me I’m afraid it felt too stilted and emotionally distant. These weren’t people, they were BDSM caricatures, and so I didn’t find the sex especially erotic.

I do BDSM too, but mine is much more of the sweating and passionate kind, and in all fairness I should say that I don’t much care for this highly ritualized kind of BDSM. I find it drained of human emotion and ultimately too cold to be sexy. But that’s really just my preference. I don't know how other people would react.

But as I say, you know your way around a sentence and the rhythm of the prose is very good. I’d like to see what you do with some more sympathetic, less idealized characters, though. I think you'd be capable of some really good stuff.

---dr.M.

 

[Esclava]

Thank you ...

...for taking the time to respond to my request for feedback.

Yes, Rainbow Skin, it is stiff. It is the first of its kind. This piece did what I desired it to do. It allowed me to write something coherent that was, relatively, easy to follow. No, it did not have the "fire" or passion that I live daily; but I believe that will come as I write more.

Dr. M, I'm sorry you did not care for the third person references, I have a hard time writing about myself in 1st person for those same reasons. The difficulty I faced was how much of myself to unleash on the unsuspecting "public." I believe keeping me reined in and under some control was much better than taking a chance on traumatizing everyone that read it.

The passion will evolve. The fire will ignite. But I must give myself permission to singe the eyelashes of those who will read what I write and wonder if they are in the story ... or not.

Thanks again to you both!

Esclava

 

[Cherrie]

Re: Thank you ...

The passion will evolve. The fire will ignite. But I must give myself permission to singe the eyelashes of those who will read what I write and wonder if they are in the story ... or not.

Esclava

Wow! I wish I had written that!

 

[Guest]

Dr. M doesn’t like stories where the characters refer to themselves in third person. Dr. M finds it kind of pompous and irritating, and so Dr. M had a hard time with this one.
---dr.M.

And somehow, dr. M., I feel strangely aroused right now! Must be the reference to being "hard".

(forgive me - I'm on my third rum and coke!)

 

[dr_mabeuse]

And somehow, dr. M., I feel strangely aroused right now! Must be the reference to being "hard".

(forgive me - I'm on my third rum and coke!)

Well, don't concentrate too hard on it and try to keep a stiff upper lip and don't get a swelled head or go off half-cocked. I might have to throw you a bone or something.

(this concludes our test of the Mabeuse subliminal arousal system.)

---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

Well, don't concentrate too hard on it and try to keep a stiff upper lip and don't get a swelled head or go off half-cocked. I might have to throw you a bone or something.

(this concludes our test of the Mabeuse subliminal arousal system.)

---dr.M.

http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/zensiert/24.gif


(the system works quite well, dr.M.)

 

[Katerina Val-Kyrie]

Excellent writing

Literary Artist comes to mind.

Well done, Esclava

Katerina

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

The dialogue does sound a bit forced. Personally, I'm into realistic stories--not to say ones without fantastical things, just that dialogue and monologue should be ever-too-natural.

I liked the story, though. I'm a fan.