New Author's First Story (FF)

[singula6]

Below is a link to my first story. It revolves around twin sisters who find an interesting cure for boredom while attending a small Junior College.

The story was placed in the Incest/Taboo Category, although I feel it belongs in the Lesbian Sex Category (as I indicated when it was submitted). I hope you enjoy.

This story was a test to see if I should continue as a casual writer. I have 3 chapters of a science fiction story, also lesbian, complete and am trying to decide if I should push on to finish. It could easily wind up novel length based on where I've taken the plot in my head.

Thanks for your opinion!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=370500

 

[Your_Imagination]

Very nice! I love the whole classic doctor-patient spin on this story. That mixed with the virginal lesbian experience was spellbinding. Look forward to more of your work.

 

[singula6]

Thanks for the input, Your_Imagination! I do try to write in a manner that helps the reader visualize the story in their mind...

 

[litchipking]

Not bad

Let me start with the good stuff:

You paint a vivid picture with your descriptions. I had no trouble imagining the action taking place and at times your writing was arousing. It is hard to do the tired old “doctor-patient” routine in a fresh way but you managed to breathe just a bit of new life into your spin.

Now (and only because you asked) for the bad stuff:

Take into account that I do not claim to be an expert. The comments I make here are only my opinion; take them as you will.

1. I really do not like your beginning. “My name is Nina and I attend…” If I was not reading this story at your request I would have clicked off right then.

There are hundreds of suggestions for starting a story so I won’t go into all of them here. At a quick glance, I may have considered starting with the advertisement.

EARN MONEY FOR RELAXING. The advertisement posted on the grocery store bulletin board caught my eye immediately.

Just one idea.

2. You use numbers throughout the story. Instead of writing numerically, you should write them out. “15” should be “fifteen”.

3. Leave the bra sizes and exact heights out of your descriptions. “Average” height or “tall” work just fine and pick any of a dozen words for “large” to describe her breasts.

4. Your profile leaves “sex” unanswered but I am assuming you are a guy. I make this assumption because I too, being a stupid male, have mistakenly painted all women as just one encounter away from being bi-sexual. Maybe it is because I am so aroused by all things womanly that I think women will be naturally turned on as well. I don’t know.

Anyway, the point is that if you are going to have women engage in lesbian sex, or be turned on by watching it, you need to introduce some history. At least some prior thought, experimentation, temptation, contemplation, etc. Otherwise, it’s like a straight guy being turned on by a guy sucking a dick; not very likely.

5. Last, your story contains absolutely no dialogue. This should be the tool that tells your story and paces you action more so than your descriptions and long expositions. It also allows you to give the reader a glimpse into other aspects of your character; where they are from, education level, personality, etc…


Well, these are my thoughts. As I said before, I’m just an amateur hack and a newbie at that. Take my comments for what they are worth.

Good luck with the writing.

Chip

 

[singula6]

Thanks for the input, litchipking. Could you give a little more insight on the dialogue you mention? I am completely new to writing and am feeling my way through.

 

[litchipking]

This would be better in a PM

Thanks for the input, litchipking. Could you give a little more insight on the dialogue you mention? I am completely new to writing and am feeling my way through.

I squeamishly mentioned to Bella I was not wearing any underwear and asked if she had anything I could cover myself with. Nurse Bella looked at me with a smirk, and asked if I wanted to participate in this project or not.

This excerpt from you story reads fine but has more impact in dialogue form:

"Ah...Nurse Bella," I said nervously. "I didn't...I mean, I'm not wearing any underwear."

"Do you want to participate in this project or not?" she said abruptly with a touch of a smirk on her face.

***

Okay, not brilliant prose but I was just taking a random paragraph and playing with it a bit. My point is that your story lacks any dialogue to give us a feel for the characters. In my quick example, it is not even necessary for me to include "nervously" because the dialogue infers that emotion.

***

A few paragraphs later:

She asked if I were a virgin and I said yes. Her next question caught me off guard as I did not immediately respond. After a moment of silence, I asked why she needed to know if I masturbated. Nurse Bella replied that in order to qualify, or disqualify, participants they needed to develop a true profile of the individual's health, habits, and activities. After another moment of silence, I softly replied with yes.

Try:

"Are you a virgin?"

"Yes," I replied modestly, unsure if Nurse Bella would deem that good or bad.

"Do you masturbate?" She asked this with the same inflection someone would ask "Do you know the time?"

It took me several moments to respond, being caught off guard by the nature of the question. "I'm not sure...I'm sorry, why is it that you need to know if I...if I do that?"

In her usual perfunctory tone, Nurse Bella replied, "In order to qualify, or disqualify, participants we need to develop a true profile of an individual's health, habits, and activities."

When she failed to elaborate any further I realized that she was waiting for me to respond. I was not exactly ashamed of masturbating but I had never talked to anyone about it either.

Embarrassed, I answered softly. "Yes."

***

I embellished only slightly but I hope I’ve created a more interesting scene. Both convey the same information, but the dialogue helps us “feel” the characters in a different way.

Anyway, these are real quick examples using your words. My main advice for you is still to read. Read with a critical eye and pay attention to scenes that really paint a clear picture in your mind. Notice the ones that don’t move you as well. What is different about them?

There are so many great authors on this site. I will not be so presumptuous as to explain why a particular author made the choices they did for their story. But if you care to look at the stories I’ve submitted I would be glad to talk you through my thinking. I don’t claim to be an expert by any means but I can answer for my own writing. And I can probably show you where I messed up or could have improved on a section.

***

One way or the other, you should turn on your PM. Under User CP you can allow Private Messages. If you turn this function on, then writers can communicate with you, well, privately.

Happy writing,

Chip