New Author

[mimicox777]

Hi! I am a new author and I was really hoping to get some feedback on my story. I would love to get your some constructive criticism. Could anyone help me out? I would greatly appreciate it!

Here is a link to my story:

http://www.literotica.com/s/and-still-i-dream

 

[PennLady]

FWIW, here's my feedback.

Mechanics -- mostly fine. I saw a few things I'd have advised you to change/fix if I'd been editing, but nothing major. In fact, mostly I'd suggest breaking up the paragraphs. They're huge and that's hard on the eyes online.

For the story, I have to say that I don't like stories with cheating spouses. That aside, I didn't think your characters were quite right. You describe David right off as "stern" and "withdrawn," yet he's immediately all gooey and Prince Charming for the narrator. And her -- why in God's name did she marry the brother? The whole family sounds like a bunch of idiots, so I'd like to know her reasons for marrying into such a clan.

In the bathroom scene, I'm not sure how he could slap her ass when she's lying on her back on the bathroom floor. Well, I guess he could but it seems a little difficult.

I would say keep writing, this isn't a bad start. We all need to keep practicing.

 

[estragon]

What Ill-Assorted Couples

How could David have married his "awful, timid, fat wife"? And how could your narrator have married the Belch King? This is what ruins the story for me. I'm no great fan of cheating stories, but I'm prepared to be convinced by a well-written story. Your story is well-written indeed, but I can't figure out why your leading characters married the people they married, and I wish you'd have told me.