New Author

[ElementalWood]

Hello Lit.

I am new to the writing world. I am by no means an amazing writer but I enjoy what I write. With a little encouragement from a friend I wrote a story last thanksgiving. I have just finally have gotten around to getting it submitted and approved by lit.

It is a story about a couple of graduate students just running away from family to have some time to themselves. I am hoping to get some feedback about it and see how I can improve my style.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=470166

 

[Experiencedguy]

Whoa!! Something is wrong!!

Tried to access your link. Does not work.

Either correct your link, or PM m the story. I'll be happy to comment/critisize, but need to have something to look at (we are usually to lazy to research under new stories).

 

[Darkniciad]

You must have copy/pasted the link from another post. The forum software automatically chops down the visible part of links to a certain length. You do have the lit ID# there, so it's easy enough for me to use that to generate a working link for you.

Thanksgiving Get-away

That will have to be the extent of my contribution for the moment, because I'm right in the middle of something With a wee spot of luck, the working link will generate some feedback soon.

 

[ElementalWood]

Thank you; I had thought I had checked the link to make sure it would work, guess not.

 

[CWatson]

Your first problem is tenses. You change them practically every sentence. Now, you're a good-enough writer that all these switches aren't confusing... but they are distracting, and that's bad enough as it is. As a writer, you're hypnotizing us with words. The last thing you want to do is throw something in that will break the spell you yourself are trying to weave. Tense-switching is one of those somethings. So choose a tense and stick with it.

You have a lot of "we" in the opening of the story. "We did this", "we did that", "we went camping", blablablah. Here's the thing: I don't care about we. I want to know about you and her. A we isn't interesting. ...Okay, that's a lie, a we can be interesting. But yours isn't, because you don't tell us anything about who these people are. In fact, it seems like you're trying to avoid telling us anything about your narrator(s). I have to question that decision, especially with seven paragraphs of set-up before any sex begins.

That's all I got for you at the moment. Hope this helps!

 

[ElementalWood]

It does help, in writting this story, i purposely avoided talking about the two people specifically, in part to see how people would respond.

My reason was two fold...first was to see if people would like the idea to get into the story and imagine themselves as the nameless character, kind of fill in some of the blanks themselves. The second reason I had done this was becuase I am not the greatest with descriptions and i need to work on that.

The tenses are something i will work on; i plan to write another story being i am on my "summer" break. your critisim is noted and I will definatly try harded to work on the tenses at the very least

 

[CWatson]

I'm with you on the "imagine themselves into the character" thing, but here's the problem: even for that, you need more personality. A character is like a house: readers will only move in if they feel like there's anything to move into. Your character doesn't even have all the walls up, much less a roof. There's no way anyone will buy him.

My advice on your next story: work on your spelling too. No, srsly: the higher the standards you hold yourself to, the better you'll get. Very few writers have ever achieved perfection, but I guarantee you this: the ones that did? None of them just stumbled on it by accident. They were trying. And what have they got that you haven't? So, you try too, and you'll get just as good as they are.

 

[Mrtouf]

I didn't spot any spelling mistakes in the story. There was one word hyphenated that didn't need it, and a few other punctuation issues, but they didn't really spoil the story.

I thought that you handled the description quite well. And it never hurts to experiment with writing differently. However, like CWatson I thought that the characters needed something, maybe a smidge more dialogue and names to go by, to keep them from becoming secondary to the story. Far from preventing readers from imagining themselves as that character, giving them identity lets the reader identify with them.

Tenses are the most tricky in complicated sentences, where a lot of information is conveyed at once.

For example, from the story:

It will always be amazing how, even when at her mercy, I can't help but find her even more attractive as she blows on my ear and runs a finger down my chest.

The narrator here is talking to the reader, which breaks the narrative.

Instead you could write:

Even when at her mercy, I couldn't help but find her even more attractive as she blew on my ear and ran a finger down my chest.

This doesn't convey the idea that he will always find her attractive even when she's restraining him, but it isn't necessary. If you wanted the narrator to imply that this is something that happens regularly, you could write:

This wasn't the first time I had found myself at her mercy, but I still couldn't help but find her even more attractive as she blew on my ear and ran a finger down my chest.

Sorry if all those examples seemed a little pedantic, but the point is that there's always other ways of conveying the same information.

 

[Gladius7]

-deleted-

 

[ElementalWood]

To both of you, your advice is again appreciated...as for spelling and grammar, I will confess it has come a long way could you see writing from a few years ago it was horrible. I am in part writing these stories to try and better my writing skills; while enjoying a little downtime from work/class. [college does at times require papers weekly even for a science major].

What I have taken away so far is,

1) work on the characters more add to them even if simple in design, hopefully not a full body description but more detail on aspects of their bodies when appropriate to the story.

2) Spelling and grammar - continue to quadruple check

3) Keep a strict eye out on tenses

 

[bwallard]

Work on the characters less and on the story more. Let your story reveal your characters.

But I don't see a story here. A story requires a motive and an opposition - protagonist and an antagonist.

You don't have that. You have a travelogue and a Valentine's card. To make it a story you must draw a disruptive element from the place. You have set up the narrator to have contempt for the community. It would be interesting to see that contempt challenged.

 

[PacoFear]

To both of you, your advice is again appreciated...as for spelling and grammar, I will confess it has come a long way could you see writing from a few years ago it was horrible. I am in part writing these stories to try and better my writing skills; while enjoying a little downtime from work/class. [college does at times require papers weekly even for a science major].

What I have taken away so far is,

1) work on the characters more add to them even if simple in design, hopefully not a full body description but more detail on aspects of their bodies when appropriate to the story.

2) Spelling and grammar - continue to quadruple check

3) Keep a strict eye out on tenses

Hi EW,

I read through your story and thought it was a fine first effort. It's sort of a slow 'n lazy Sunday afternoon piece. With respect to grammar and such, CWatson has your number on the mechanics (as usual - Go CW!) but I thought you were at least in the right ballpark.

I'm just not sure what you were looking to do with the story. If you just wanted to share a real life vignette, then you've managed that and kudos to you. If you're looking to write this kind of thing for kicks and get better at it along the way, I'll lob in a few other things you might want to consider for your next rodeo:

4) smaller paragraphs - your readers' eyes tend to slide off larger blocks o' text

5) more dialogue - it helps break up the prose and also helps with 6)...

6) more connection/intimacy - how do your characters feel about each other? Are they a mushy, lovey-dovey thing? A sassy, teasing thing? How did they meet? What do they say to each other while they're making love/getting ready to make love/finish making love?

7) appearance flaws - as a footnote to your 1) on describing your characters. Too many of our Lit. characters (hell, I'm guilty of it with mine but I'm trying) are flawless studmuffins and studmuffinettes. A little endearing body flaw can give a character depth, likeability, and approachability. I spent four paragraphs once in a story having an otherwise flawless woman explain how she'd gotten a small round scar on her stomach that somehow made the rest of her look that much more beautiful.

These're all suggestions; run 'em through your mental filters and use what works for ya.

Best of luck with your next one.

-PF

 

[TaylorDC]

Good read and I agree with the feedback above.