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dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
Congratulations on your first story, though I have to admit it was a little too chatty for me, and her reluctance a little too dragged out. Also, I couldn'’t understand why in the world he would have been angry to come home and find his wife masturbating. I think most men would have been thrilled.
If I could suggest something, I would like to see you paint a more descriptive picture of what was being done. A little more concrete sensual detail, a few more visuals. Your narrator seems very much obsessed with her own thoughts and reactions to things, and I think that puts us too much into her head, at least for my tastes.
But congratulations again, and welcome to the club.
---dr.M.
If I could suggest something, I would like to see you paint a more descriptive picture of what was being done. A little more concrete sensual detail, a few more visuals. Your narrator seems very much obsessed with her own thoughts and reactions to things, and I think that puts us too much into her head, at least for my tastes.
But congratulations again, and welcome to the club.
---dr.M.
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excited to see what you come up with next.
itll only get better, of this i am certain.
Kudos babe!
itll only get better, of this i am certain.
Kudos babe!
Omni
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2001
- Posts
- 255
Good story, I haven't been so entertained in a while. A few suggestions to improve readability, because it does become confusing between who is talking, her talking, and her internal thinking.
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“Okay. Fine. Be that way. But wouldn’t you like George to be home more? You certainly moaned about that earlier today. Did you ever think that maybe he was bored? Honestly, how often do you guys have sex? Once a week?” [THIS is friend]
I was speechless. And pissed off too. Best friend or not, who the hell was she to meddle in my marriage?[THEN we move to internal thinking of Jane but it is confusing if she says once a month to her friend or thinks it here]
“Once a month?”
No words would come, and the feeling was like bringing home a bad report card – you stand there, defenseless, knowing they’re right and nothing you could say would change the awful truth. And the awful truth was that I couldn’t remember the last time George and I had made love. [THEN when you say no words would come, I nearly thought ok she just thought that once a month, she did not say it]
I would:
I was speechless. And pissed off too. Best friend or not, who the hell was she to meddle in my marriage “Once a month?” [I mumbled.]
No [other] words would come, and the feeling was like bringing home a bad report card – you stand there, defenseless, knowing they’re right and nothing you could say would change the awful truth. And the awful truth was that I couldn’t remember the last time George and I had made love.
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So there I stood, dreading each word, conjuring up painful scenarios of George’s ‘working late,’ paralyzed by the realization that my complacency was something much more significant than that D I gotten in French from that witch Madam Villiers.
I’ve always admired you’re ability to speak your mind, but damn it Jane, just this once, can’t you shut up? [THIS sudden shift to be outright but internal speaking to Jane is awkward]
I suppose it was inevitable, that unmistakable stab in my throat right before the tears filled my eyes<<<At least Jane finally stopped hammering me.
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The problem with posting to Literotica can be that it is difficult to use italics if you just copy paste the story, they do not pick it up. I think some of the areas of confusions as to what is internal thinking would be cleared up nicely with italics used for some thoughts.
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Like here:
I just didn’t say when.
The other call was from George. He was going to be working late (again!). “Sorry, hon.”
Damn it! Why is everyone apologizing to me all of a sudden? [italics or maybe add I thought] [IT IS difficult in normal conversation we would expect he said first part and she said second part answering, but here he says both parts]
“Probably not until nine, maybe ten…No, don’t wait for me. Go ahead and eat. I’ll figure something out when I get home….Bye…Love you too.”
[HE says this too]
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This starts an area that is confusing back and forth with herself, like she is two people:
But it’s happening so fast. Are you sure you want to go through with this?
Come on Miss Librarian. We can do this. Start the tub. Call George.
“Do you agree to the terms of the letter?”
“Yes, sir.” [THEN THIS italics confusing, did she speak or think it? Because above the italics were for her thoughts]
Click.
But I’m scared, I wanted to say; a little reassurance would be nice right now. [now there no italics for thoughts as there were above]
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Alright I hope I did not confuse it too much with my above examples because trying to show it here is difficult. I would get rid of all parentheses in the story and replace with commas also. It is a good story needing to be made more easy to read for your fans.
Omni~
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“Okay. Fine. Be that way. But wouldn’t you like George to be home more? You certainly moaned about that earlier today. Did you ever think that maybe he was bored? Honestly, how often do you guys have sex? Once a week?” [THIS is friend]
I was speechless. And pissed off too. Best friend or not, who the hell was she to meddle in my marriage?[THEN we move to internal thinking of Jane but it is confusing if she says once a month to her friend or thinks it here]
“Once a month?”
No words would come, and the feeling was like bringing home a bad report card – you stand there, defenseless, knowing they’re right and nothing you could say would change the awful truth. And the awful truth was that I couldn’t remember the last time George and I had made love. [THEN when you say no words would come, I nearly thought ok she just thought that once a month, she did not say it]
I would:
I was speechless. And pissed off too. Best friend or not, who the hell was she to meddle in my marriage “Once a month?” [I mumbled.]
No [other] words would come, and the feeling was like bringing home a bad report card – you stand there, defenseless, knowing they’re right and nothing you could say would change the awful truth. And the awful truth was that I couldn’t remember the last time George and I had made love.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there I stood, dreading each word, conjuring up painful scenarios of George’s ‘working late,’ paralyzed by the realization that my complacency was something much more significant than that D I gotten in French from that witch Madam Villiers.
I’ve always admired you’re ability to speak your mind, but damn it Jane, just this once, can’t you shut up? [THIS sudden shift to be outright but internal speaking to Jane is awkward]
I suppose it was inevitable, that unmistakable stab in my throat right before the tears filled my eyes<<<At least Jane finally stopped hammering me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The problem with posting to Literotica can be that it is difficult to use italics if you just copy paste the story, they do not pick it up. I think some of the areas of confusions as to what is internal thinking would be cleared up nicely with italics used for some thoughts.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like here:
I just didn’t say when.
The other call was from George. He was going to be working late (again!). “Sorry, hon.”
Damn it! Why is everyone apologizing to me all of a sudden? [italics or maybe add I thought] [IT IS difficult in normal conversation we would expect he said first part and she said second part answering, but here he says both parts]
“Probably not until nine, maybe ten…No, don’t wait for me. Go ahead and eat. I’ll figure something out when I get home….Bye…Love you too.”
[HE says this too]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This starts an area that is confusing back and forth with herself, like she is two people:
But it’s happening so fast. Are you sure you want to go through with this?
Come on Miss Librarian. We can do this. Start the tub. Call George.
“Do you agree to the terms of the letter?”
“Yes, sir.” [THEN THIS italics confusing, did she speak or think it? Because above the italics were for her thoughts]
Click.
But I’m scared, I wanted to say; a little reassurance would be nice right now. [now there no italics for thoughts as there were above]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright I hope I did not confuse it too much with my above examples because trying to show it here is difficult. I would get rid of all parentheses in the story and replace with commas also. It is a good story needing to be made more easy to read for your fans.
Omni~
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Guest
Guest
Rainbow Skin
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2002
- Posts
- 514
Of course a big part of the effect you're going for is this chatty, breathless internal monologue. But still, I got the same slight disorientation as Omni. Some of the changes from thought to speech are unclear.
There's a style that could be called 'voiceover'. It's often very immediate and colloquial, but that brings up problems. If the person is saying real speech fragments like 'Woops' or 'Dammit' or 'Oh no', it sounds immediate, that is the reader is 'hearing' them just as the writer is 'saying' them. They burst out of the speaker. But if you're using this style it then sounds odd (to me) to mix it with considered 'reminiscence' style. That is, things that are carefully phrased and that you might write, and therefore speak out loud if you're reading your writing, but you wouldn't spontaneously say them.
So as you tell this story you use a mix of things that couldn't burst out spontaneously, and that could only burst out spontaneously. I find that a little bit like a change of tense: I don't quite know whether I'm hearing this 'as it happens' so to speak or in calm retelling.
There's a style that could be called 'voiceover'. It's often very immediate and colloquial, but that brings up problems. If the person is saying real speech fragments like 'Woops' or 'Dammit' or 'Oh no', it sounds immediate, that is the reader is 'hearing' them just as the writer is 'saying' them. They burst out of the speaker. But if you're using this style it then sounds odd (to me) to mix it with considered 'reminiscence' style. That is, things that are carefully phrased and that you might write, and therefore speak out loud if you're reading your writing, but you wouldn't spontaneously say them.
So as you tell this story you use a mix of things that couldn't burst out spontaneously, and that could only burst out spontaneously. I find that a little bit like a change of tense: I don't quite know whether I'm hearing this 'as it happens' so to speak or in calm retelling.
cantdog
Waybac machine
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2004
- Posts
- 10,791
This playful and intimate, idiomatic style of writing would be lots easier to read if it were more consistent, as Rainbow says. She's seldom had hold of the wrong end when it comes to matters like this. I ought to tie her up someplace and make her read over all mine before I put them up. dr_mab cannot but be correct, because he is expressing his own tastes, which you are under no obligation to cater to.
Good stuff, needs polish, but very sweet, revealing, useful. And hot.
Good stuff, needs polish, but very sweet, revealing, useful. And hot.
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