New author, would love feedback

[georgie57]

I have posted a story for the first time, and wasn't sure which tag to give it. It is in part about a young man being given a first gay experience, but also contains voyeurism, bondage and nursing as elements.... The truth is I wrote it for a good friend to match several of her favourite pleasures. If anyone is kind enough to take time to read it, I would be grateful for any feedback.

His first massage

By the way, I chose 'erotic couplings' in the end....

 

[sr71plt]

I thought it was very good. I thought at the beginning that the mix of present and pseudo-second tenses would be too beleaguered but I got used to it. Only one use I thought was misplaced: "Your shyness is so appealing." I think this should have been about the guy on the massage table, not the women tied to the bed, so in present tense and connected to the guy. I also got lost in the positioning of the women tied to the bed, but I just read through it. A few technical issues but not enough to distract from the read.

I'm sure you'll get requests to continue the story--and maybe you intend to anyway--but I think that would cheapen it as a story. It's what the readers here clamor for, though--spinning out a story until you've run it into the ground and maybe just abandoning it without putting a series ending on it. Think your story is just fine ending where it has.

 

[lovecraft68]

I'm sure you'll get requests to continue the story--and maybe you intend to anyway--but I think that would cheapen it as a story. It's what the readers here clamor for, though--spinning out a story until you've run it into the ground and maybe just abandoning it without putting a series ending on it. Think your story is just fine ending where it has.

The story I posted this week 15 of 20 comments were along the lines of "sequel!" and it was a really simple story. I think at this point 'sequel' is them screaming for 'more sex between these two!" plot I imagine is optional.

 

[georgie57]

I thought it was very good. I thought at the beginning that the mix of present and pseudo-second tenses would be too beleaguered but I got used to it. Only one use I thought was misplaced: "Your shyness is so appealing." I think this should have been about the guy on the massage table, not the women tied to the bed, so in present tense and connected to the guy. I also got lost in the positioning of the women tied to the bed, but I just read through it. A few technical issues but not enough to distract from the read.

thanks for this encouraging and detailed feedback, it's really useful. Yes 'your shyness' is just a typing slip, it should say 'his', and you are also right about the positioning...I wrote it very fast and I wish I had read it back more thoroughly.

As first feedback on first posted story I couldn't ask for more

 

[georgie57]

Making changes

Is it possible to edit your story once it is posted on Lit? I would really like to put some of your feedback into action...

 

[sr71plt]

Is it possible to edit your story once it is posted on Lit? I would really like to put some of your feedback into action...

Yes. Do your rework and submit it with the same title and -- Edit behind that. Note in the comment box that it's a reedit of the story. It'll take three to five days probably to be substituted, but it will preserve all of the voting and comments of the original.

 

[georgie57]

Yes. Do your rework and submit it with the same title and -- Edit behind that. Note in the comment box that it's a reedit of the story. It'll take three to five days probably to be substituted, but it will preserve all of the voting and comments of the original.

Thanks, I will do that.

 

[georgie57]

Re-edits done.

I have made some alterations and resubmitted the story. A friend said that i should not describe what the woman is doing, because I can't see her, but I am not sure that is a problem. What do you think?

I guess the reedited version won't be there for a couple of days.

Link to the story

https://www.literotica.com/s/his-first-massage

 

[georgie57]

Re-edit rejected

I did some alterations, and the new version was rejected - because of not putting punctuation inside quote marks. I guess different people have different criteria - the original version had the same punctuation.

Anyway it is changed again now, and resubmitted. I will wait to see if this time my punctuation is deemed up to scratch.

 

[Randy_Scribbler]

I did some alterations, and the new version was rejected - because of not putting punctuation inside quote marks. I guess different people have different criteria - the original version had the same punctuation.

Anyway it is changed again now, and resubmitted. I will wait to see if this time my punctuation is deemed up to scratch.

I read the first few paragraphs of your story from a link you provided in a previous post and, while quite well written, you've not added full stops to the end of sentences within the quotation marks. You've added question marks to the end of dialogue that's asking questions, yet you have omitted full stops at the end of several sentences of dialogue.

It can be frustrating having a story bounced, but at the end of the day, people here are taking time to help you out; and their help will, ultimately, make you a better writer.

Remember: the same punctuation rules apply whether you're writing narrative or dialogue.

 

[georgie57]

Punctuation

Yes, I do appreciate the notes about punctuation, I wasn't complaining about it. It makes me realise how lucky I was to have my first story accepted first time...

I added all the full stops when I re-resubmitted.

 

[georgie57]

Second attempt.

OK I have tidied the punctuation and made a few little changes, and the story is back up.

As I wrote before, very grateful for any observations or suggestions.

 

[georgie57]

Second attempt.

message deleted

 

[glBock]

your story, Georgie

I just saw your story now and read it.

I am not ging to bother about trivial matters but come right to the point, I mean the CONTENT of your story.

I found you particular "construction" of a horny story quite amazing!! Probably because I am an amateur when it comes to fine story writing.

You have achieved your purpose masterfully, if yor purpose was arousing the readers of your story. Thanks a lor from one of them. Keep up the good work you started!!

 

[robertreams]

The story works, but not well. Second person POV always seems awkward to me. The frequent tense changes from present to past back to present all in the same graph, then a jump to future at the beginning of the next graph, is dizzying.

Even then it almost works. For me, the black man's conversion from straight to gay is inexplicable swift. It feels like if he had had just one previous hard-on he would have taken it up his ass earlier.

Even then, it almost works, but this is erotica. It is supposed to get me hard. But it is only about a four on my peter meter.

It's all so impersonal, so representational. None of them are people. Everything drips, flows, splashes, and shines, but that's it. More description of the body parts and their reaction to his touch, might ease the transition.

I am not sure. Your story should have gotten me hot, especially his drinking her milk, (been there, done that), but it just didn't. I think it was because she was like a cow giving him milk, not a person satisfying his superior needs for her own (hidden) pleasure.

Also, too many "ands". frequent "ands" with commas