New author would like feedback.

[Jessica12317]

Just got my first story published! I’m happy about that I would love it if anyone who would like can read it and tell me what you guys think about it?? Thank you so much!!
https://www.literotica.com/s/pepe-pt-01-annas-entanglements

 

[JackBellend41]

Needs punctuation.

Hi Jessica,

Congrats on taking the leap and submitting your first story. It's brave to put your thoughts on paper (or a computer screen) for everyone to see.

I'm going to be totally honest, I didn't get past the 4th or 5th paragraph. It is very hard to read due to all the run-on sentences and lack of punctuation. I would highly suggest you run the story through a grammar correcting app, like grammarly.com. I guarantee that will raise whatever scores you get and make it much more enjoyable for the readers.

Jack

 

[8letters]

Congratulations! Your story is about a demographic that doesn't get talked about in many I/T stories, so that was nice. You'll learn a lot from your first story. Keep writing.

My thoughts:
* Like a lot of new authors, you start with a data dump. It'd be much better to start with an interesting scene and then backfill the descriptions and facts as you tell your story
* I'd work on your description of Anna. By describing her over time instead of as she is now, she seemed unattractive to me
* This is incest/taboo. Anna having sex with a family friend isn't going to appeal to I/T readers, who want to read about family members having sex
* Pepe pissing on her car's tires is the moment that Anna got hot for Pepe? Didn't work for me

 

[NotWise]

I say go for chapter two. I live in a Mexican American community, and I see your characters every day.

You need to make your next chapter easier for readers to understand. That mostly means putting a period at the end of a thought. It might be more work than you thought it would be.

When I checked earlier, you had an audience that liked what you wrote. Keep writing, and use more periods to break things up.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Hi Jessica,

Congrats on taking the leap and submitting your first story. It's brave to put your thoughts on paper (or a computer screen) for everyone to see.

I'm going to be totally honest, I didn't get past the 4th or 5th paragraph. It is very hard to read due to all the run-on sentences and lack of punctuation. I would highly suggest you run the story through a grammar correcting app, like grammarly.com. I guarantee that will raise whatever scores you get and make it much more enjoyable for the readers.

Jack

Grammarly is pretty good. I think you can set it up so it will work when you're writing in MS Word. (I haven't done that yet.) The free version seems adequate.

It should also work in Lit's draft mode. If you want to go through the hassle, you can copy and paste the document into Grammarly and then copy the corrected version back to Word. It's not as complicated as I made it sound. I believe you can write it from scratch inside of Grammarly, but I've never done that.

It doesn't replace proofreading, but it does help to catch things that the Word grammar checker will overlook.

I don't mean to sound critical of you, but Grammarly is pretty diligent about where to put commas, which I haven't been that good at either.

 

[Jessica12317]

Thank you everyone I know I still have a lot to learn and I want to definitely learn I never had amazing grades in English class lol so anything I can learn here would be great because I do want to write more and not just erotic writing btw I have a new story I finished I have checked it myself so if anyone is interested I could use someone to take a a second look maybe give me ideas or help me make it better before I try submitting it I appreciate you guys so much thank you message me if anything

 

[BarracudaSwordfish]

Thank you everyone I know I still have a lot to learn and I want to definitely learn I never had amazing grades in English class lol so anything I can learn here would be great because I do want to write more and not just erotic writing btw I have a new story I finished I have checked it myself so if anyone is interested I could use someone to take a a second look maybe give me ideas or help me make it better before I try submitting it I appreciate you guys so much thank you message me if anything

If you start by punctuating your posts correctly, then it should help your writing. Be disciplined even at this level and your writing will improve.

 

[ElectricBlue]

This is like reading a runaway train!

Commas and sentences, Jessica, learn all about them and use them!

I'm sure there's a story in there, but it's exhausting trying to extract it. The words seem fine, it's punctuation and sentence construction that's missing. Try reading it out loud and note where you take a breath. That's probably a good place for a full stop or a comma.

Purist grammarians will say that not the criteria for sentence construction, but in your case, it might be a start. You need to slow it all down, separate the ideas with punctuation so the reader can figure out what's going on. As it reads, this is one huge rush of words. Slow down, take a breath .

 

[Jessica12317]

New story would love feedback!

https://www.literotica.com/s/annas-entanglements-juan


So I just published my second story and I listened to what everyone was telling me. I worked a lot on my writing in areas I was told to work on. So here’s the work check it out guys please let me know what you think (Good or bad) and if I can improve in any areas. I really want to be a better story writer and teller so everything helps. Working on something totally different story wise so any feedback will go
Towards that story. Thank you in advance!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Jessica, I'm exhausted! You have the words, mostly in the right order, but you pile them on so fast I can't breath. Please, please, please learn more about fullstops and commas and know when to use them.

You have to separate the ideas into their own phrases and sentences, and separate them. Slow down!

This, for example:

The day of party it's a hot August day so she decides to wear something comfortable for her sons party she puts on some shorts and a tank top with a pair of cute sandals she looks in the mirror her curvy body looked great and she looked cute she had her hair down and was feeling good.

is all one sentence, and could read something like this:

The day of her son's party was hot, so Anna decided to wear something comfortable. She put on shorts and a tank top, with a pair of cute sandals. She looked in the mirror. Her curvy body looked great, and she looked cute with hair down. She felt good.

Also, see how I changed it all to past tense? There's nothing wrong with writing in present tense, but you shift tenses back and forth all the time. Choose a tense and stick to it. I'd suggest, in your case, that you use past tense - that will help you slow down.

Watch your repetition. I know you've got a thing for sturdy Latina women, but you use 'thick' far too often; once or twice makes the point, then find other words.

"And, before I go, you do speech punctuation like this," he said.

When the speech tag follows the spoken sentence, it's lower case after the comma and the closing punctuation mark.

Confusingly, when the spoken sentence follows the speech tag, the spoken sentence starts with a capital. For example: He said, "You punctuate dialogue like this."

Once you figure out punctuation and how to cut back on repetition and unnecessary information, your writing will tell a story. Right now, it's a boat spinning within a hurricane. Keep working at it, you'll get better .