New Author- Several New Stories Up - seek advice

[NiteRidder]

Finally have posted my first and several new stories here and would love to have some advice from authors. Appreciate your expertise and hope to better myself through association.

Most appreciative of your time and consideration.

Also would love to trade evaluations with other new authors.

Catagory -Non Sexual stories
Millie's Smile
Motivational story about Nursing Home Patient & Santa
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51321

Catagory -Non Sexual stories
The Amazingly Heroic Mr. Burns
Gentle giant teaches wise guys about respect.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51616

Catagory -Romance
Long As There Are Stars
An erotic Love Story set on edge of San Francisco Bay.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51582

Catagory -Erotic Couplings
The Librarian
Library visit turns erotic.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51320

Catagory -Non Consentual
Fire On the Mountain
Legendary Tennesee Moonshiner finds passion.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51577

 

[Guest]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=44884

 

[crysede]

Re: The Librarian
Hi NiteRidder, I've commented on your story the way I like to have my own commented on, which is a brutally honest discussion of their flaws (so I can then fix said flaws). If this wasn't what you were looking for then my apologies, no insult or disrespect was intended by my critique.

There are the usual little grammar problems - I am also plagued with them: in particular, I suffer from the dreaded 'run-on sentence syndrome,' which I'm sure you'll see some evidence of in this reply (actually, I think you are right now!). Here's the specific problems I noticed in my reading of the story:

A number of times you place punctuation marks (I think just commas) outside your quotes, instead of inside them where they belong. I think placing them on the outside is generally considered acceptable as well (not counting the punctuation that is actually part of the quotation, of course, which must always be inside the quotes), but you have to pick one of these positions and stick with it rather than having some marks outside, and some inside.

You end the first two paragraphs end with the sentences Cindy... was a lovely, long-legged brunette who definitely loved to strut her stuff, and did she ever have the right stuff to strut. and Cindy was a hot lady who was willing to show it when or where ever she chose. Both of these seem rather bland ways to describe an incredibly exciting, sexy lady, why not use more exciting, sexy language. For the first one, for instance, what about something like: Cindy loved to show off her fabulous body: her long legs clad only in the shortest of minis, the striking brunette would strut down a crowded street like she owned the whole block; walking with the confidence of a woman who knows every man's eyes are on her, and likes it.

There are irregular capitalizations of 'had' and 'myself' in the third paragraph.

Frankly her body drove me crazy, as I had once managed to have those beautiful long legs wrapped around me and couldn't quite get them out of my head. This sentence is awkward to read, it might work better like: Her body drove me crazy: every since I'd had those beautiful long legs wrapped around me, I hadn't been able to get them out of my head.

I liked the old place though as it had an aura of conservative decadence about it. It had apparently been willed to the town by a wealthy local family and its marble floors, and pillars along with rows of large oak tables and book stacks gave it a look of solid stability. I suggest replacing the 'as' with a colon: I liked the old place: it had.... As well, some commas need rearranging in the next sentence: It had apparently been willed to the town by a wealthy local family, and its marble floors and pillars, along with rows of large oak tables and book stacks, gave it a look of solid stability. I also want to mention that I really like your use of the term 'conservative decadence,' it's wonderfully evocative.

Her legs opened even further as she pretended not to notice and made some point or other, all of which at this point was beginning to totally escape me. I continued to stare at her sweet little panties and she kept up her teasing demeanor. I suspect, hoping I would ask her out and we could renew our previous erotic experiences. The first sentence is awkward, try something like: Her legs parted even further: she pretended not to notice, making some point or other in our discussion, the jest of which totally escaped me. The next sentence would read better if it started with 'hoping': Hoping, I suspect, that I would....

Little did she know, she didn't have to speak at all. Her cute little panty show had gotten my full attention. I couldn't help but think to myself this hot little lady wants me tonight, but I had other ideas - I wanted her now. In the second sentence you need something to set his remembered thoughts apart from the rest, quotes would work, or you could rewrite it and use a colon (which is how I usually handle this sort of situation).

She smiled back and gave me one of her "do me baby" looks as I raised her ankles forcing her to fall back upon the oak table. 'Do me baby' should be in single quotes since you're not quoting what she said, you're using the term 'do me baby' as a label.

opening my lips with my tongue and traced my tongue across my bottom lip. 'Opening' needs to be capitalized, and it would be better if you could re-write this so as not to use the words 'tongue' and 'lips' twice in the same paragraph. (On a purely pragmatic note, I'm not sure one can open one's lips with one's tongue: I tried this, and since I have to part my teeth to extend my tongue, I found my lips were already open before my tongue reached them.)

love hole/sweet hole/etc... 'Hole' is used much too often! It has to be repeated in the dialogue, but since you use it there several times, I think you should avoid using it anywhere else.

I pulled my belt open and with one deft move unhooked the top button on my jeans and feverishly ripping my fly open. 'With one deft move' should be separated from the rest of the sentence with commas, and 'ripping' should be 'ripped.'

I supported myself on each side of her and slowly ran my ample shaft up and down her beautiful hot wet open lips; starting low and running it all the way up and down her wondrous hot slit, my shaft rubbing along her wet open pussy. Its head now appearing at the top of her slit like a plow breaking through mother earth. In the first sentence, I think it would read better if you replaced 'each' with 'either,' and you need some commas: her beautiful, hot, wet, open lips. You've used 'up and down' and 'slit' twice in this sentence, try to vary the terms.

"Stick it in me please." She pleaded. Since you used "pleading tone" earlier, a different word, like 'begged' would be better here, also I'd add a comma after 'me' and maybe some additional descriptions: "Stick your thick cock in me, please." She begged, her voice husky with desire.

She raised her hips and spread her legs even further, which caused her pretty, hot, and very wet hole to open fully and shamelessly displayed before me. You need to add 'be' in front of 'shamelessly,' and I'd change the structure to make the sentence active (that makes it more interesting to read): She raised her hips, spreading her legs even further: shamelessly displaying the tight entrance to her hot, dripping cunt.

It glistened invitingly and I nestled my precum coated and engorged cock against it. Teasing it. I pressed my cock ever so lightly against her straining open hole, only to withdraw it again. She pushed her open hole toward my cock, raising her bottom off the table, chasing my cock with her beautiful open mouthed love hole. You could get rid of one the 'and's in the first sentence by saying 'precum-coated, engorged cock' (I'm not sure about my hyphenation here). Also, too many uses of the word 'cock,' I'd keep the first one, but change all the others in this paragraph.

I love the humorous ending, the image of the two of them fleeing the library is wonderful. I'd be tempted to remove the next to last paragraph, summing up the relationship, so as to finish on the high note of that funny exit scene.

All in all, a fun and engaging story: I especially enjoyed the way the oh-so-proper library setting contrasted with very improper things they were doing. However, you could have benefitted from using one of lit's volunteer editors to get the distracting problems with sentence structure ironed out.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

About Mr. Burns

I was pleased to see Laurel add the 'Non-erotic' category. (Thanks, Laurel). Though, I've never previously given feedback on a story there. So I picked out "Mr. Burns."

Overall, I thought the 'lesson in life' moment to be good grist for a story; however, as presented, there are a number of significant flaws which cause me to grade this only as 'fair.'

The title: some might consider 'amazingly heroic' to be a bit redundant (is heroism ever commonplace?), but I liked it. Kinda catchy.

However, 'amazing' or 'amazed' appear four times in the opening 2 paragraphs. While a repeated word or phrase can have impact, in this case it seems juvenile, like kids today using 'awesome' over and over. Maybe this was in part the effect of getting back into a high schooler's frame of mind, but even then the distinction in voice between the kid-that-was and the mature-author-who-writes could be kept clearer.

Use of ellipsis. Most every use of the ellipsis is improper (a comma or dash would suffice in all cases), perhaps excepting 'pin . . . drop . . . quiet' as a legitimate storyteller's use of dramatic pause.

Use of passive voice. You make frequent use of the passive voice (simply count the number of sentences which begin, or have as the subject, the word 'it'). This gives the prose a languid feel and makes the narrator seem a bit detached from the story.

Some particular sentences:

Mr. Burns was a dork.

Great opening. Abrupt and caught my attention.

A math teacher, overly intelligent and always formally dressed which was not expected in a tough, small school environment.

Very awkward construction. It seems at first glance that the subject is 'math teacher,' but then the only verb clause is 'not expected in a tough, small school,' which makes it seem that math teachers are not expected in tough schools.

I think it was because he never seemed to take his sport jacket off that I found him to be just your average nerd.

More tepid, watered-down prose. Why 'never seemed to?' Either he did or he didn't.

It was only after seeing him in the gym working out with a friend that I realized that Mr. Burns was truly... amazing. This meek and mild mannered, somewhat "Nerdy" math teacher, was a true hulk of a being, blessed with biceps that would have made the wise cracking tough guys in many of my classes shudder had they realized just who and what was under that sport jacket at which they so often hurled slanders.

These sentences immediately raised questions which, never being answered, pretty much sank the story for me early on.

I was willing to suspend disbelief and go along with the idea that a mere sportjacket can so readily conceal a finely honed, champion weightlifter's physique (though, heavens, it's not like Sylvester Stallone and I will look the same standing side-by-side in sports jackets), but the guy works out in the gym? Which gym? The high school gym? If so, why is the author apparently the only kid in the school that's discovered nerdy Mr. Burns in fact is pumped to the max? In short, why does this image of Mr. Burns persist if he's working out in the gym in full view of anyone passing through? That not being explained, the story lost impact.

It is about these Gentle Giants that I make my story.

It really did happen just as I have set it down here.

I think the ring of veracity is better established by writing in a way that convicts the reader that the author speaks from experience, rather than relying on the crutch of saying 'this really is true.'

And the story isn't really about the 'Gentle Giants' (who are kind, but ineffective, it turns out), but rather about Mr. Burns and the 2 hecklers. That sentence is a puzzle.

The youth became even more enamored.

"Enamored" (typically meaning 'inflamed with love') can't be what you meant.

Several more times he attempted to hurl the weight above his head. The Gentle Giants urging him with advice and heart felt clutched fists.

Better to connect these with a comma, as the second clause is a fragment and not a complete sentence.

Pinned off the ground to the wall with their feet dangling like the condemned.

I really liked the 'with their feet dangling like the condemned' simile; so much that I was willing to overlook the lack of a complete sentence.

Humility transcended over them as a curtain on a stage.

I think you meant 'descended upon them,' as 'transcend' connotes a more uplifiting, positive sentiment.

Disbelieving their own eyes, and as heads began to bob in agreement.

This needs reworking entirely. It's not a complete sentence and somewhat disjointed to boot.

Several attempts at the meet's required weight failed.

Here, I thought you passed over a great opportunity for pathos and drama in favor of a single, tepid sentence. The crowd is enchanted (amazed? ) with Mr. Burns. He gets back to the competition and struggles mightily over several attempts. There had to be great crowd reaction watching this unfold. You might have played this out, lift by lift, eliciting his emotion and the crowd's.

Some nice points. I liked the parallels between the math class hecklers and the meet hecklers, and the contrast in reaction. Though the former might have been drawn out a bit more (setting the scene, being more explicit in what they say), because it's so integral to the point of the story.

One question lingers though: in what sense is Mr. Burns a 'hero?' Is it because of his self-sacrifice? Or because he was in fact the biggest, strongest dude in the place and he was able to intimidate the hecklers through brute strength? His point to the hecklers (respect the kid now, because he may whip your butt some day) is a bit questionable, no?

I hope these comments help.

 

[NiteRidder]

Critique of The Librarian

Re: The Librarian
Hi NiteRidder, I've commented on your story the way I like to have my own commented on, which is a brutally honest discussion of their flaws (so I can then fix said flaws). If this wasn't what you were looking for then my apologies, no insult or disrespect was intended by my critique.

Crysede

Thank you for taking the time to go over my story and make suggestions and commets on areas I need to work on. The Librarian was my first and I want to improve, so appreciate any criticism. Think my following stories improved somewhat but still have lots of room for impovement. Working on it.

Have copied all your comments and will look them over this evening and see what corrections I should make. Yes I realize that a publishing editor is probably a good idea. Will do so on all further stories. Did have another author go over it and make suggestions and did find that quite helpful and it definitely improved it from its inception. Of the 5 stories I have up now, I personally like- Long as There are Stars and Millie's Smile, the best (do note that no one seems to want to read the non sexual stuff though so I may never get to the 10 ratings point on My Millie's Smile so that my ratings on them will be released.

Thanks again really do appreciate it.

NiteRidder

 

[NiteRidder]

Re: About Mr. Burns

I was pleased to see Laurel add the 'Non-erotic' category. (Thanks, Laurel). Though, I've never previously given feedback on a story there. So I picked out "Mr. Burns."

NCmVoyeur


Thank you very much for all the work you did in critiquing Mr.
Burns.

I really appreciate your time and expertise, and hope that if I get enough of them it will assit me in getting better.

Actually Mr. Burns was written about 5 years ago and I hope my later works have improved somewhat. Millie's Smile was written about the same time as Mr. Burns and he Librarian, Long as There are Stars and Fire on the Mountain all being written just a couple weeks ago.

Thank you again really appreciate it and will download your comments now and digest them later.

NiteRidder

 

[ladyphoenix]

The Librarian/Fire on the Mountain

Dear NiteRidder,
My first question is, why do you spell your name with two D's??????? Or is it just me? Sorry, it just bothered me.

I read The Librarian first, and honestly, was rather disappointed in it. While the story was great, I too found the grammatical stuff much to distracting to allow me to just enjoy it. Editing would be a plus (I volunteer, if you're ever interested).
Also, I have this thing about characters being realistic and I get a bit tired of perfect brunettes/blondes/redheads who have perfect bodies, perfect hair, perfect tits. Pet peeve, perhaps, but that, along with her "ohhh give it to me baby" kind of whinny, cliched to extreme barbie-doll-ishness, I wished for more. Still, underneath it all, I saw something which led me to the next story, your Non Consent.

I LOVED IT! I loved the perspective, I loved the story, I LOVED the sweet kind of lolita sort of innocent whore that Emily was when she explained things through her perspective. Such a perfect combination of sweet little innocent and wanton...I would love to know how you achieved that. So, I'm glad I ran across this one and I will keep reading.

 

[Guest]

Re:Fire on the mountain

The best non-consent story I've read on Lit. Ever.
It is so blatantly pornographic but classy in innocent sort of way.
It conbines the elements of romance, erotic-coupling, fetish, anal, non-concent all into one short story.

NR, how do you do it?

P.S. It's just one man's POV. Don't believe the hype. Check it out for yourself. Don't forget to vote. Click on the sponsors too.

 

[NiteRidder]

Re: Re:Fire on the mountain

The best non-concent story I've read on Lit. Ever.
It is so blatantly porngraphic and classy at the same time.
It conbines romance, erotic-coupling, fetish, anal, non-concent all into one short story.

NR, how do you do it?

P.S. It's just one man's POV. Don't believe in hipe. Check it out for yourself. Don't forget to vote. Click on the sponsors too.

I feel so used, now.

Chilled Vodka,

Thank you so very much, for your kind words, relative- Fire On the Mountain. Being that I am new to this writing thing, it is especially gratifying to hear such nice comments on one of my stories.

I like, and appreciate, the constructive criticism I have received, but comments like yours drive me back to the keyboard.

Thanks again

NiteRidder

 

[NiteRidder]

Re: The Librarian/Fire on the Mountain

Dear NiteRidder,
My first question is, why do you spell your name with two D's??????? Or is it just me? Sorry, it just bothered me.

I read The Librarian first, and honestly, was rather disappointed in it. While the story was great, I too found the grammatical stuff much to distracting to allow me to just enjoy it.

re: Fire on the Mountain
I LOVED IT! I loved the perspective, I loved the story, I LOVED the sweet kind of lolita sort of innocent whore that Emily was when she explained things through her perspective. Such a perfect combination of sweet little innocent and wanton...I would love to know how you achieved that. So, I'm glad I ran across this one and I will keep reading.

ladyphoenix

Thank you very much for your criticism and suggestions and especially for your kind comments on- Fire on the Mountain. Appreciate your constuctive criticism on The Librarian and will take them to heart in effecting changes.

Very happy that I pleased you with Fire On the Mountain. Thank you very much for your kind comments regarding it.

In regard to the two d's in NiteRidder- the name NightRider has long been a nom de plume for me and unfortunately it was already taken here in Lit, so I just bastardized it. With a different spelling of Night and the double d thing. Not a lot of thought went into it actually. Didn't know I was picking an authoring name. Perhaps I would have been better off to use my real name. It is trouble in itself, and most people would think it a put on - as my real name is Casanova

Maybe that is why nastiness comes so natural

It is a Family Tradition.


It is the writing of it, unfortuantely, that I have to work so hard on-

NiteRidder