New author seeks constructive criticism

[tony090909]

Hi

I've recently begun posting on Literotica and whilst I've had some helpful feedback I would welcome more. Thanks in advance for any constructive comments received. Here's a link to my stories:-

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1147257&page=submissions

Best Wishes for 2010

Tony

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Um... which one do you want us to review? This is like a 30 second review of the Encyclopedia Britanica.

 

[tony090909]

Hi Jenny

I don't have a preference which one you comment on as I would welcome constructive criticism of any of them. I've got stories under 3 categories so if for example Loving Wives isn't your thing then go for one of the others.

So far I've had one person who has sent me some (very helpful) comments; others are very welcome.

Tony

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Didn't get the hint, did you? We are not here to critique your body of work as a writer. We are here to look at individual, new stories to tell the writer what he's done right or wrong and where he can imporve.

Now. The same question. Which?

 

[driphoney]

If you're just wanting comments posted on your story and/or votes, you should consider joining the Daisy Chain thread. There writers mutually agree to read each other's work and provide feedback for the return favor. Otherwise, best pick a specific story you want feedback on.

 

[tony090909]

Didn't get the hint, did you? We are not here to critique your body of work as a writer. We are here to look at individual, new stories to tell the writer what he's done right or wrong and where he can imporve.

Now. The same question. Which?

Probably best to nominate the most recent one, it's called Cruise Control and is in the Loving Wives category:-

Recently my husband and I went on a cruise for the first time. It was only a short one, just five days, as we weren't sure how we would take to cruising. In the event we loved it - the ship was superb, the weather was lovely and we got on well with the people we met.

It didn't start very well because on the second day at sea Paul tripped and sprained his ankle. It was only a mild sprain and he could still hobble around. Oddly enough it did have one good side effect. Because it was a smaller ship lots of people heard about his minor accident, so people kept stopping to ask if he was OK. It actually served as an icebreaker and we became friendly with people much quicker than might otherwise have been the case.

Like many cruises it was geared towards couples, not families. Dinner each evening was a moderately formal affair, so people took a bit of trouble and dressed smartly. Afterwards there was a dance-cum-disco. Because of Paul's ankle we had to sit that out and I declined a couple of invitations to dance.

The people on the cruise were a real mixture. Mostly they were couples, but there were several women only groups (all of them older than me) and a good half a dozen single men. Paul got chatting to some of the single men and it turned out that they were all divorced or separated, rather than genuine bachelors.

The next night one of the single men protested to Paul that I shouldn't have to sit out all the dances. He insisted that I dance with him, so I did. After that I became a popular dancing partner and by the end of the evening I had danced with five different men.

Later back in our room I said to Paul that it seemed odd that they had been so keen on dancing with me rather than with any of the single women.

"You're the best looking woman in the room, so you can hardly blame them for wanting to dance with you."

I wasn't convinced by that, but didn't know what to say, so instead asked him if he minded the fact that I was off dancing with other men while he had to sit on the sideline.

"Not really," he said, "I want you to enjoy yourself, and anyway it's nice to know that my wife is still attractive."

The following night we sat with the same group and again I got regular requests to dance. I was polite and didn't refuse any of the men, but frankly three of them were rather dull, one was only so-so, but the other one, Mike, was good company and quite reasonable looking. We got along very well and I found myself chatting to him quite a bit.

After 11pm the dance turned to a disco, though it was hardly rave music and there was a heavy bias towards smoochy numbers. Near midnight Mike persuaded me out onto the crowded dance floor and we shuffled around to a slow number. He was holding me in his arms and we were chatting, then he began to move his lips towards mine. I froze and at the last moment he stopped.

"Oh God," I laughed rather nervously. "For a moment I thought you were going to try and kiss me."

"I'm sorry," he said, "I was going to try and kiss you. But what I really want to do is make love to you."

I gasped at that and walked away. I couldn't go back to Paul as he would realise something was wrong, so I headed for the nearest exit. Out on deck I went to the quietest corner and tried to clear my head. There were footsteps behind me.

"I'm sorry," said Mike, "I don't know why I said that."

"But you meant it didn't you?"

"Yes I did."

With that he took a step closer, took me in his arms and kissed me. At first I stood very stiffly, then he started to feel my breasts and our kissing became more passionate. His hand moved lower down the outside of my dress and stopped with his fingertips resting lightly, but unmistakably, on my pubic mound. He began to caress me and I knew I should stop him, but I did nothing. I was sure he was going to explore further, but the creak of a door brought me to my senses and I pulled away.

"No Mike, I do like you, but no."

With that I turned and hurried away. I threaded my way back through the dancers and returned to our table. I smiled at everyone and asked Paul if we could head back to our cabin. He obviously realised something was wrong because he agreed without asking any questions. As soon as we were out in the corridor Paul asked what was a matter. Not here I told him, wait until we reach the cabin.

"Is it Mike?" he asked. I nodded.

We were barely in the cabin before he grabbled my arm and demanded to know what had happened.

"Mike said he wanted to make love to me."

"Did he say that when you went outside?"

"Oh, you saw us go outside did you? No, he said it on the dance floor."

"So what happened outside then?"

I hesitated.

"Tell me Kim."

"He kissed me."

"And?"

"And he touched my breasts."

"What else?"

"He tried to touch me down there."

"Did you let him?"

"No, but.........." I stuttered and stopped.

"But what?"

I said nothing.

"But what Kim?"

"I wanted him to touch me."

"Where did you want him to touch you?"

"Down there."

"Down where?"

"You know where I mean!"

"I think I do, but I want you to say it."

"I wanted him to touch my pussy."

"Like this?" said Paul, sliding his hand between my thighs and gently cupping me through my knickers.

"No, not like that. I wanted him to put his hand inside my knickers."

"Like this?" said Paul, slipping his hand inside my knickers and running his fingertip along my pussy.

"Yes, like that."

"Then what?"

"Then he would slip a finger into my cunt."

I gasped as his finger entered my wet quim.

"Then what?"

"Then he would take his prick out."

Paul unzipped his trousers.

"Then what?"

"Then he would pull my panties to one side," I gasped.

Paul pulled my panties aside so my pussy was exposed.

"Then what?"

"Then he would put his big cock into me and give me a good fucking!"

I cried out as Paul gave a huge upwards thrust and his prick speared between my cunt lips. One thrust and he was deep inside me and we were doing it - fucking up against the cabin wall! It was frantic - I cried out passionately, unconcerned about the noise I was making. Paul made various guttural sounds, then stiffened and gave an almighty groan. I felt his prick jerk inside me, then there was a warm, wet feeling as he flooded me with sperm.

Paul held me pinned against the wall, both of us speechless with the passion that had just been unleashed. Finally we staggered apart. I undressed and climbed into the bed.

Paul finished tidying up and then joined me. He parted my legs and lay on top of me, though taking his weight on his elbows. His prick was still damp with our juices and rested limply against my thigh. He kissed me.

"That was wonderful," he said. "You are so sexy. Did you enjoy it?"

I couldn't deny that I did.

"So you don't mind that I wanted Mike to touch me".

Paul thought for a moment.

"No I guess I don't mind".

"In fact it turns you on doesn't it?" I asked.

He admitted that it did.

"Let me get this straight, if Mike had got his hand inside my knickers would you have minded?"

I felt his prick stir.

"No," was the simple reply.

"It really does excite you doesn't it?" I said.

"Yes," he said, almost blushing, his prick stiffening further.

"Would you have minded if he'd got his prick in me?"

"No," he said, shaking his head.

"So the thought of another mans prick sliding between my cunt lips turns you on."

He nodded seemingly unable to speak.

I pulled him close and whispered into his ear.

"Would you like to watch Mike fuck me?"

For the second time that night he thrust into me. This time he had more staying power and it was after 1am before we finally fell into an exhausted sleep.

We woke later than usual the next morning though we were still in time for breakfast. Nevertheless we were some of the last people there and the dining room was rather empty. At first there was a strained silence between us, but then Paul broke it.

"I know last night was very different, but I enjoyed it. Did you?"

I nodded in agreement, not sure exactly what to say. I couldn't deny that it had been some of the best sex we had ever had.

"Do you want to take it any further?"

"What do you have in mind?" I asked.

"Do you want to sleep with Mike?"

I froze, my coffee cup suspended halfway between my mouth and the table. Paul continued without waiting for a reply.

"I've been thinking about it. Tonight's the last night, if we try something and it works for all concerned then fine, but if it doesn't work then we're out of here tomorrow anyway and will never see Mike again. In some ways it's the ideal opportunity."

I could see that all made sense, but I didn't see how I could casually ask Mike if he wanted to have sex with me. Paul had thought about that.

"If you have a dance with him later tonight then at the end I will make sure I'm stood alone near the bar. You bring him over, excuse yourself and go to the loo, and leave me to have a word with him."

"I don't know, after last nights fiasco he might avoid me altogether."

"Well if he does then so be it, it obviously wasn't destined to happen."

"Let me think about it."

"Sure," said Paul. "There's no rush we've got all day."

We spent what was left of the morning sorting some stuff out in the cabin, then had a very light lunch. Next we picked up a couple of paperbacks we'd bought and found a pair of loungers on the sundeck.

After a while I headed back to the room to get my ipod. Walking down the corridor I saw Mike coming in the opposite direction. As I got near he slowed down and it was obvious he wanted to talk. There was no-one else about and he immediately apologised for what he'd said last night.

"Don't worry," I said, "I'm over it."

"Can we forget I said it?" he asked.

"Not really," I laughed, "but we don't have to let it spoil things, we can still be friends."

"Good, it's a relief that you feel like that. Will it be alright if I ask you to dance tonight?"

"Well it's the last night, so how about I save the last dance for you."

He brightened at that.

"And what time will the last dance be madam?" he asked in mock-formal style.

"Eleven o'clock," I said, and we both smiled and headed on our ways. I thought I'd handled that rather well. A dance had been arranged and the choice was mine. It could be just a dance - or it could be something else!

When I got back to Paul I casually mentioned that I'd just seen Mike.

"Was anything said?"

"Yes, he apologised again and I told him not to worry. He asked if it would be alright if he asked me to dance tonight and I told him I'd save him the last dance at 11 o'clock."

"I see," said Paul and returned to his book.

Later in the afternoon we went for a swim and then returned to our room to have a bit of a rest. After that it was time to shower and get ready for dinner. I had saved my favourite dress and some lacy black underwear for the final evening. As he sat and watched me finishing my make-up Paul asked me what I was doing tonight.

"I don't know," I said, "I haven't decided. Anyway, if we do anything what will you say to him?" I said, intrigued to know how he planned to put this.

"Well I'd say I know he finds you attractive and I understand that and don't have a problem with it. However I'd say that you also find him attractive and as it's the last night I wonder if he would be our special guest and join us for a nightcap in our cabin. I'd make it clear that I would be there all the time and that you would be free to call a halt at any stage and if you did your wishes must be respected."

I nodded my agreement to that, and a few minutes later we were off to the dining room.

It was the last evening meal of the cruise so the menu was a bit special and it was 9:30 before we headed through to the bar. I had a couple of dances with different men, but when I looked at the clock and saw it was 10:30 I realised I would soon have to make my mind up. I thought for a minute and then tapped Paul on the arm.

"I've reached a decision."

He looked sharply at me.

"And?"

"I'm going to dance with Mike and if it feels good then fine I'll do it. But if I dance with him and it feels awkward or uncomfortable then nothing's going to happen."

Paul nodded and said that was fine. From then on I found myself checking the clock quite regularly. Then bang on cue at 11pm Mike approached our table, said hello to Paul and asked me if I would like to dance, to which I said yes.

By now the DJ had switched to slow numbers and Mike put his hand on my hips and we shuffled round as best we could on the crowded dance floor. I wanted to test things so I held Mike a bit closer than the other evenings and then I rested my head on his shoulder. It was vaguely like being at a teenage disco again and I felt warm and sexy. It was obviously having an effect on Mike because I could feel his erection pressing against my middle. He wasn't doing anything crude like rubbing it against me, but I knew it was there. I toyed with the idea of pressing against him, but that was too forward, so I just stayed where I was.

I must admit I felt very nervous. I was a virgin when I met Paul and I have always been faithful to him (and I believe he has to me). However I had said that if the dance felt fine then the deal was on. And the dance felt better than fine, it felt very nice. I knew the song and felt something approaching panic as I realised it was about to end. It was crunch time, I had to make up my mind - was I going to spread my legs for this man?

The music stopped and I looked round. Paul was stood on his own at one side of the bar.

"Paul's over by the bar. Let's go have a word."

I set off and Mike followed me.

"Hi darling. The dance floor is really crowded tonight. I suppose it's with it being the last night."

"Yes it's a bit of a crush on there," added Mike.

"Actually I need to go to the loo," I said. "Can you excuse me a minute?"

I headed into the ladies. Sat in the cubicle I put my hand on my chest and could feel my heart pounding away. I waited a bit longer than normal, so I was sure they had time to talk and then I headed back.

Paul was stood in the same place, but there was no sign of Mike.

"Is everything alright?" I asked.

"Yes, fine," said Paul. "We're heading back to the room."

We walked along the corridors without saying anything, but once we were back in the room I asked what had been said.

"Well I said what I told you I would say and Mike didn't need to think twice, he said he'll be happy to oblige. I asked him to give us five minutes and then come. It's 11:17 now. I noticed he was very punctual for the dance, so he'll probably knock on the door at 11:22."

I went into the bathroom, spruced myself up a bit and applied some fresh lipstick. When I came back out Paul had turned off the main light and there was just a table lamp on in one corner of the room. I sat on the bed and waited.

When you're watching a clock the minutes seem to drag by. Finally it was 11:22, but there was no sign of Mike. Then 11:25 came and went. I said to be Paul that he must have changed his mind. He told me not to be so impatient and to give it a bit longer.

"Well if he's not here by half past he probably isn't coming," I said feeling a real sense of anticlimax.

At 11:30 I looked at Paul and he simply shrugged. I felt very mixed emotions. Part of me was relieved that I wasn't going to do something that was frankly out of character, but another part was very let down that having plucked up the courage to do this it had all fallen flat. I levered myself off the bed and went through into the bathroom. I was just in the process of pulling out my makeup wipes when there was a knock on the door. I stepped back into the cabin and looked at Paul.

"You'd better see who it is," he said with a smile.

I opened the door and Mike was stood there.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," I said.

He looked quizzically at me.

"Can I come in?"

"Yes, sorry, of course," I said feeling rather flustered.

"I'm sorry I'm late," he explained. "But two couples we both know were stood talking in the corridor and I felt it was best to wait for them to move on before knocking on the door."

"That's fine," said Paul. "We were starting to wonder, in fact Kim thought, you must have changed your mind."

Mike looked at me.

"There was no danger of that," he said with a smile.

We stood awkwardly for a minute, then Paul suggested that I give our guest a welcoming kiss. I took a step toward Mike and he put his arms around me and started to kiss me. At first it was just our lips, but it soon became more passionate as we used our tongues. Almost from the start one of his hands was roaming over my backside and it wasn't long before his other hand started to explore my breasts.

He squeezed and caressed them for a while before gently running his hand down the front of my dress. In a repeat of the other night he skimmed his fingertips across my pubic mound. This time I didn't back away. Quite the opposite in fact. I was enjoying his touch and could feel my love juices flowing.

It was one thing to allow a man to touch my breasts, but much more serious to let him put his hand between my legs. But I did want to allow him intimate access. His hand moved down to my knee then rose up under the hem of my dress. His fingers traced their way past the lace tops of my hold-ups, onto bare flesh and approached my panties. I parted my legs to allow him easy access.

At first he touched me through my panties which were damp with my arousal. Then he slipped his hand inside, through my luxuriant bush (I'm quite furry down there!) and onto my waiting pussy. I shivered as he ran his finger along my lips and opened my legs wider in an instinctive request for him to explore further. I stifled a moan as he slipped a finger into me, then two fingers and I wriggled with pleasure as he finger-fucked me. It was nice but I wanted the real thing, so I reached down and was rewarded with the feel of a rock hard erection. Mike switched his attention to my clitoris and I writhed as he played with me.

I was slightly surprised when he took his hand out of my knickers, then he asked me to turn round. Once I'd done that he unzipped my dress and helped me slip it off. I turned to face him and began to unbutton his shirt. He unclipped my bra and I shrugged it off. Not surprisingly his head went down and he began to lick and nuzzle at my breasts. At the same time he tugged at my knickers and in seconds a pair of lacy black panties were carelessly discarded on the floor. I undid the buckle on his belt, unzipped his trousers and pulled them down. Next I tugged at his undies and they descended causing his erection to bob into view.

I went on my knees to finally remove his trousers and pants. Of course that brought me level with his cock and with only a moments hesitation I took the end in my mouth. Then I took it further in as he ran his fingers through my hair. I ran my nails gently across his balls and then gave them a squeeze - in a few minutes they would be releasing their load inside me.

"Enough," said Mike. "Don't make me come yet. Go on the bed please."

I moved onto the bed and lay on my back with my head on the pillow. My legs were open in invitation.

Mike moved above me and we kissed passionately. He shifted his position slightly and I felt another surge of love juice as his prick came to rest against my cunt lips. I felt light-headed in the knowledge that we were almost there. I parted my legs even wider and moved my hips offering myself to him. Then I cried out as after nearly thirty years of marriage my cunt finally yielded to another man's prick. He pushed into me and began to fuck me with deep, firm strokes.

I must have made a bit of noise because he asked if I was alright. I told him I was fine and that he had to keep fucking me with his lovely prick. He said he'd be happy to oblige, especially as I had such a fuckable cunt.

After a while I got him to lie on his back, then I slowly lowered myself onto his shaft. I used my hips to grind down so I was fully impaled on him. Then I leaned forward and dangled my tits enticingly in front of his face. Of course he lunged at them and sucked enthusiastically on my nipples. All the while I was rotating my hips and it was obviously having an effect because he said he would have to come soon.

"Alright," I said. "But take me from behind." So I went down on all fours and he slipped his prick back into me. He reached between my legs and played with my clit. I began to shake as a major orgasm racked through me and Mike realised this and speeded up. Then he gave an almighty groan, thrust deep into me and I felt his prick jerk and jerk as he pumped what felt like a river of sperm into my cunt.

We lay motionless for a while, then Mike slipped his clothes back on, gave me one last passionate kiss and left our cabin.

Within seconds Paul had undressed and climbed onto the bed. His prick slid into me very easily.

"Well," he said. "What's it like to be an experienced woman?"

So I told him in explicit detail what it felt like to have another man's cock inside my cunt and it wasn't long before he added another load of sperm to the store already inside my pussy.

 

[Guest]

Ummmm.....

a link would have sufficed.

I was going to hit 'quote' on the entire story...lol

 

[tony090909]

Sorry I wasn't sure whether it was best to provide a link or to paste the whole story. Here's a link (if it isn't too late):-

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=453608

 

[foldedpaper]

Hi Tony,

Just found your request for feedback, so have had a look at a couple of your stories - the neighbour being spied on and the serving girl one. As a recent starter on this whole writing erotica stuff, I know it's hard to know what to do, so please don't think I'm having a go with the views I hold!

The erotic parts are good - I enjoyed them, but there is little of the scene setting that I find helpful if I'm to get into the story and get to know and care about the characters portrayed in it.

Both seem to end a bit abruptly - kind of a wham-bam-thank-you-mam feel to the ending!

But don't put too much store in what I say - I'm only a novice at all this myself - please feel free to comment on my couple of efforts - that way we can all get better at what wewe enjoy doing!

Stuart