New author seeking feedback, redux

[jcallah1]

Greetings and salutations! I am a new author seeking constructive feedback of my recent story "Servicing a Client"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=289102

To date, I have received no CONSTRUCTIVE criticism (the comments by the gentleperson who does not like cheating wife stories is hardly constructive).

My question is: were I writing this again, what specific changes would improve it? Overall advice is appreciated, and I look forward to your replies.

 

[Flashlight7.5]

Needs work

I skimmed through your story. You have potential for a good story here, but it needs editing. I'll point out a few things to get you started:

First sentence: "I made the mistake of going to work for life insurance company,"

You mean "I made the mistake of going to work for a life insurance company," You leave out a one-letter word in the first sentence and cause the reader to hit a pothole in the pleasure of reading your story.

The story takes a bit long to get started. I'd start it with him pulling up to the house, you can explain that he's an insurance guy through the dialogue (which you do anyway)

"She was blonde (from a bottle), nice smile, athletic legs in denim cutoffs, very nice breasts under a clingy v-neck top, late twenties, early thirties. "

This reads like a laundry list. "(from a bottle)" needs to be removed or written some other way. Also, do you need to describe her this much? Many authors spend far too much time describing how people look, when most readers want to form their own images of how the characters look. Don't force your readers to envision the character as you see them unless the character's description relates to the story.

"God, that split in her shorts went waaaaay up."

Never extend words like that, even in dialogue.

"I subtly ogled her wet shirt"

Is this possible? The act of ogling isn't subtle at all. You need another verb here, and most adverbs can be eliminated from all literature.

"The mutual caress continued for no more than a second, but what a second!"

Exclamation points should be rare, and even rarer outside of dialogue. You have to remember that an exclamation point means someone is yelling. Example: "That sounds great!" Why is she yelling at him?

"Now, I know that sounds positively frumpy, but this thing had spaghetti straps, had a low neck-line, and came to about mid-thigh. WOW."

Don't capitalize every letter unless it's an acronym, like NASA or NATO.

""Let me finish looking HEEEEEERRRRRRREE!!!!"

Ouch. This is just unprofessional. Any editor at a quality publication would pitch your story just for this. I know you want to convey her orgasm and do it in a humorous way, but the effect is lost because of the glaring all-caps "here."

"Terri began speaking, "Iiigh oobfv sfooogh sfuuugck gckogck." Oh God, that vibration along my cock was incredible. I swear it sounded like she said "I love to suck cock."

This almost works. If you cleaned up what she says a bit, and remove what he thinks she says (so it doesn't hit us over the head), it could work.

"Then she MOOAAANNED!!!!!"

All-caps + misspelling + five exclamation points = a place in the editor's garbage can.

Remember that every word of your story must do one of two things (or both): Reveal character or advance the action. All else should be eliminated.

You have a good start here. With enough polishing, you'd have a fun sexy story.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Regarding the "blonde (from a bottle)", how about simply "She was a bottle blonde." That would eliminate the need for the parentheses.