New Author, new tale

[Falwith]

Hi, I'm hoping this thread isn't out of line, having scanned through a few here, I think it's proper, so.....

I'm new to Literotica and my first submission has been approved and upped, so I was hoping to get a feel from the community as to how it stood among the works here. Having read a good number of the stories thus far, it's easy to see competition is tight and earning some respect is going to take a bit of time. With this in mind, any feedback or comments on my opening effort would really be appreciated.

Many thanks in advance to those who comment, because positive or critical, any feedback offers me an opportunity to improve my work. After all, the goal of any author worth his/her keyboard value is measured by the enjoyment the reader gets from the work.

Link to the tale:
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=244816

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Falwith,

And welcome.

Overall, I like the writing style, especially the flow and pace. The descriptions in the opening are pretty good too. Something's missing though; a couple getting together and having great sex isn't necessarily a great story. Some readers enjoy simple tales, but they're not for me. The missing ingredient, I think, is conflict, although the ending at least hints there may be some tension ahead. For the tale's length, the characters are defined well enough; at least I understand what it is they see in one another, even if it's just physical attraction.

Even though the story isn't my cup of tea, that's a personal preference; there's not much to criticize about the writing itself. Here are a few minor things I did notice:

The drinks went down with haste, as the tension grew with their proximity. The girl introduced herself as Amber, which Marcus was fairly certain wasn't her real name.
The first sentence has a classic passive voice, while the second is telling instead of showing.
For more on these:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_actpass.html
http://www.customline.com/wordware/individual/articles/showing.html

She cooed softly as ...
... reaching down and grabbing his bulge gently as she leaned close.
... Marcus slipped his hand up and down her thigh slowly ...
Adverbs are often redundant: can one coo any way but softly?
Sometimes they even conflict with the verb: is a grab ever gentle?
Even when the adverb does enhance the verb, a better solution is probably a stronger or weaker verb.
For more on adverbs:
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm

Hope some of that helps.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[kbate]

My comments are more for 'polish' than for serious errors, minor errors which, if corrected, move your writing from 'average' into 'smoothe'.

***
pulse and tempo up for the patrons to shake their bodies in time with.

sentence ending prepositional phrase = reword this entire passage
(The patrons shook their bodies in time with the pulse and tempo of the club's pulsing music (or some such)

***
A player of many years on the bar scene, Marcus could pick out quickly what girls in the club were likely to be looking for fun and whatones were forward enough to respond to his advances.

Improper word for this situation.

***
tight shirt seemed near bursting as her ample breasts jiggled within

verb tense, and cliche (ample? come on, time for a new word to describe breasts)

***
She flushed heavily as she leaned back, her eyes twinkling. Nodding vigorously, she grabbed his arm and

Unnecessary adverb use, vigourously is near acceptable, but heavily really does not describe flushing in a way that adds to the story.

***
slowly, gently, softly, slightly check - 3, 8, 3, 2
harder, faster check - 0, 3

I do this because perhaps I have read too many Lit stories and these six words appear more often than any others. I have a dream - a story without slow gentle sex, without slight soft penetration, without harder and faster finishes.

***
Overall, it is a decent sex story, the setting at the club had little to do with story, but it isn't a bad pickup and sex tale.

 

[Falwith]

OK, I'm seeing what is amiss and I think I should be able to limit the "ly"s without too much trouble, but some of the cliche bits are intentional. To me, sex stories are fun, enjoyable to read and not, for the most part, high lit. That's just my scope on them, so no offense or disagreement intended to anyone. Thus, I'll slip in the odd 'beaten to death' segment, just.......because, I guess, it's part of me.

This is the type of specific, relavent critique I like. I kind of knew, as a whole it's a neat little skit, but, as some noted, part of something a bit longer. I'm considering a couple avenues for the next step, so look for it soon.

Less 'ly's should help it come off cleaner. Maybe a third proofread, too, in a couple spots.