New author needing opinions

[ErikaKane]

This is only my second story, and I'm looking for a few opinions. What am I doing right, and what else could I be doing? I'm nowhere near done, but I'd like to know whether what I've done so far is any good. Here goes.....

Samyre

He was beautiful. I had noticed the man staring at me around the same time he noticed the tattoo snaking down my abdomen and ino my skirt. He had the deepest blue eyes I had ever seen, coupled with a wide, sensual mouth and a beautifully strong jawline. His sun-darkened skin was only a few shades lighter than my own cinnamon tone. His hair was just a touch too long, inky black and wavy. Once I was able to tear my gaze from his face, I saw that the rest of him was just as beautiful. He was about a foot taller than my own 5'1”, and with his lithe, yet muscular, body, probably weighed in at around 190. I also noticed that he was packing. Big time. At some point during his perusal of my charms, he had become aroused, and if my so-far perfect man was lacking anything, this definitely wasn't it.

His obvious attraction to me was also understandable. With pert 34C breasts sitting atop a slim waist and juicy hips and thighs, I was definitely stacked. The 40” ass that completed the package was just icing on the cake. On my otherwise small frame, it looked almost cartoonish, but I had never gotten any complaints and I enjoyed the attention it garnered. Adding to my allure were my full, pouty lips and almond shaped eyes, which gave me an exotic look. My loose auburn curls and the blazing amber of my eyes hinted at the wildness within me, a seeming invitation, to most men, to try to tame me.

Over the years, many of them had tried, and all had failed. Some had pleased me, sure, but none had taken me to the brink of ecstacy, again and again, until I couldn't stand it, before finally taking me over that precipice. All had seemed to love playing with my brea
sts, but none had teased and suckled my sensitive nipples until I was dripping with need. Not one had ever ridden me, cock buried in my ass, until I begged him never to stop. They definitely hadn't tied me to the four-poster bed I had bought with that hope in mind, with the silk scarves I kept just for that purpose, and proceeded to tease me senseless and make love to me all night. None had embraced my wildness, or even thought to.

Somehow, though, I was sure it would be different with him. He would fulfill all of my fantasies and then some. He'd teach me things I'd never dreamed of and take me to heights I'd never imagined. I envisioned him loving me for days on end, with only brief breaks taken to eat and sleep. I was brought out of my reverie when he began to approach me. He was carelessly graceful, and the confidence apparent in his stride made my knees weak. Everything about him screamed “strength” and I loved it! I was wet with anticipation, and he hadn't even spoken to me yet.

As he moved closer, so that I could hear him in the crowded room, his body pressed against mine. The feel of his body, combined with his spicy, masculine scent, sent chills down my spine. I was in heaven. It was obvious that he was experiencing some of the same sensations, given the time that passed before he spoke. Finally, he leaned even closer to me and introduced himself as Luc. His deep, honeyed voice entranced me, leaving me barely able to whisper my own name, Samyre.

 

[mjl2010]

I'll say that you have a way with words and what you have written leaves me wanting to read more.

However. (don't you love that, there's always something wrong, isn't there.)

It's hard to even call this a story. I read it in less than a minute. Most news articles take me longer to read. At 590 words, it's short of submission length by 160 words.

You never get anywhere with this. You see him, he sees you. You spend most of your words describing him and yourself. Then he introduces himself. It's over. You ended it before you even got started.

Trivial point. Leave out exact breast sizes, exact heights, stuff like that. No one cares and some hate it. For many, it's a turn off and gets you an immediate back click. Which means they don't read past it.

She had beautiful full breasts. - Says a lot more to me than, -My pert 34C breasts. So what? The inclusion of the bra size can be left out unless it's necessary to the story and here it's not.

His obvious attraction to me was also understandable. With pert 34C breasts sitting atop a slim waist and juicy hips and thighs, I was definitely stacked. The 40” ass that completed the package was just icing on the cake. On my otherwise small frame, it looked almost cartoonish, but I had never gotten any complaints and I enjoyed the attention it garnered. Adding to my allure were my full, pouty lips and almond shaped eyes, which gave me an exotic look. My loose auburn curls and the blazing amber of my eyes hinted at the wildness within me, a seeming invitation, to most men, to try to tame me.

Since this story (and I'm using the word story loosely, because I can't really call it a story yet) is written in first person point of view (POV), the way Samyre describes herself leaves me feeling she is self centered and egotistical about her looks. If the rest of the story demands that, then fine. But right here, I'm feeling I don't like this woman just because of this paragraph.

I don't think you meant that to happen. I think you were trying to somehow write a third person POV from a first person perspective. Those were the kinds of descriptive words you used, third person POV.

In the end, I think you have more potential than most. What you've written shows promise and you certainly have a descriptive flair. Why not take this story a few steps further. Get rid of the bra sizes and how big her ass is, show us how he seduces her at the very least and takes her to bed. Try for at least 2000 words this time, 3000 would be better. Others here will disagree with me on that, but as short as it is, it's worth little.

Good Luck. I think you'll do great.

MJL

 

[ErikaKane]

Thanks. The criticisms are constructive, and very appreciated. This is only the beginning of this story, but I wanted to find out what others think of it before going too much further with it. Like I said, it's only my second story, so all input is welcome. Hopefully I can make it better by implementing some of your suggestions. Again, thanks!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

A couple more things - you are writing in first person, past tense. I assume the story continues and "he" has a name. Why not use if from the very beginning? Then you can substitue "he", "him", etc and break up the he...he...he... he... That gets boring quick.

Also, you tend to do ...

I had noticed the man staring at me around the same time he noticed ...

The bold "had" really isn't necessary. That is the way many of us speak, but we don't really speak well - none of us.

I agree with MJ. Get rid of the numbers. In fact, get rid of most of your gross discription. Your readers have minds. You will do better if you learn to "render" your discriptions rather than tell them. By that I mean, you can work what discriptions you really need into the story bit by bit. But height, weight, hair length and so on you really don't need. You will get better reactions from the reader if you use words and phrases that illicit images in the minds of the readers. That draws on the reader's empathy.

Suppose you don't tell the reader your heroine has long blonde hair? Maybe the reader's girlfriend or wife and reader, herself, has short dark hair. If you draw the reader into the story and make them empathize with your character, do you really care if the reader's image is the same as yours? If you've drawn the reader in, you've gotten a read and a vote.

 

[sirloy]

Suppose you don't tell the reader your heroine has long blonde hair? Maybe the reader's girlfriend or wife and reader, herself, has short dark hair. If you draw the reader into the story and make them empathize with your character, do you really care if the reader's image is the same as yours? .

So true. For me the 40in ass was a killer. I prefer small tight asses. So if you had written about her wonderfully shaped rear my imagination would supply the info that she was hot . The same applies when writing about a man's penis. Describe it as "the largest she had ever seen" so the reader can fill in the blanks without getting turned off or amused by a 12 inch tool.

S

 

[evanslily]

Hi Erika

There's nothing I can to add to what's already been said. All very good points about avoiding precise measurements and self-descriptions--they just aren't necessary.

But I wanted to let you know you've definitely got something there. Despite the above, I wanted to know more. So with a bit of tweaking, this could definitely work.

Keep going. Edit what you've got then post what happens next! Like everything else, story telling gets better with practice--and you've definitely come to the right place to practise.

 

[Varian P]

Hi ErikaKane, and welcome.

You have a rich, engaging prose style--your descriptions are evocative, and your language flows nicely.

I'd say you've gotten lots of good advice from others who've replied here, leaving out the inventory-style description of body parts, perhaps being more suggestive than precise when creating images of your characters.

Adding to that, I'd suggest that since you've got a first-person narrator, focus on her perspective, thoughts, and feelings. Is she really thinking about her measurements and the color of her hair as she encounters this delicious guy? That she notices he's hard for her nicely adheres to her POV, and says a lot about what he sees when he looks at her.

I would add one other concern. I realize that this is just a snippet of the story you're starting to write, but I don't really see any hint of a plot, here. You write well, which makes me hope you've got more planned than mutual attraction and a hot fuck. That just doesn't make for an interesting story. People faced with dilemmas, overcoming obstacles, having hopes disappointed, getting surprised, coming out at the end different than they went in does.

Again, welcome, and good luck.

-Varian

 

[ninefe2dg]

Not much to add specifically...

...as with other comments, when I read he "weighed in around 190", I thought you were going to tell me his major, what position he played, and what his batting average was with runners in scoring position and less than two outs. I agree there are plenty of ways to convey body size/shape/prowess without resorting to stats.

The beginning description of Luc caught my eye immediately. It's more difficult for me, when I write, to describe a beautiful man than a woman. But in your case I was able to paint a rather vivid picture of him in my mind. I enjoyed that description. I also agree the narrator's self-description seemed a bit conceited, but not enough for me to dislike her. Again, different ways to convey.

You'd be surprised at readers' tolerance toward the buildup/the context. Give us a little background. Surely he's not the first uberhunkasaurus she's ever met. Yeah, he's hot, but is he different? If so, why?

Some general advice, too. What has helped me on this board is reading as much as I can. And commenting on people's stories, especially if it's asked for. That forces me to read that much more carefully, and I find I learn from that as I get more familiar with different styles. You'll also find that feedback to the most seasoned of writers is most appreciated. Reading/commenting is a different skill, but one that ultimately helps you with your writing.

Welcome, and best of luck. Looking forward to more.

ErikaKane...All My Children, right??

 

[ErikaKane]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment. The advice you all are giving is great. I definitely see what's meant by the comments on the descriptions. I've reworked them a bit, and the story flows a lot better. As far as Samyre's description goes, I know how it sounds, but I have a hard time not including some sort of description. It's just that I have this image of her in my mind, and I want my reader to be able to see that. Unwise, I know, but I can't help it. It does sound less self-absorbed now though.

I'm still working on it, and it's hard for me, becaue I'm used to writing a poem in 15 minutes and being done. I have a whole new respect for the writers here. Thanks again!!

I'm off to go annihilate the last vestiges of my patience. Wish me luck!

And my name came from a song about that Erica Kane, though I'm nothing like her (I hope!).

 

[ninefe2dg]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment. The advice you all are giving is great. I definitely see what's meant by the comments on the descriptions. I've reworked them a bit, and the story flows a lot better. As far as Samyre's description goes, I know how it sounds, but I have a hard time not including some sort of description. It's just that I have this image of her in my mind, and I want my reader to be able to see that. Unwise, I know, but I can't help it. It does sound less self-absorbed now though.

I'm still working on it, and it's hard for me, becaue I'm used to writing a poem in 15 minutes and being done. I have a whole new respect for the writers here. Thanks again!!

I'm off to go annihilate the last vestiges of my patience. Wish me luck!

And my name came from a song about that Erica Kane, though I'm nothing like her (I hope!).

OK, I thought Erika Kane was the All My Children character. What do I know anyway. I was a Y&R guy actually!

I used to think "dashing" off a story was no big deal, as I felt I could draft something (2-3000 words at least) in 3 or 4 hours. Then I realized, after having been through feedback on this board, that I was (maybe) 10% of the way there. It's the rewrites that really take work, as you're trying to undo/adjust, which can be more of a toil than "creating". Good luck with it. I don't get poetry at all, so kudos to you for being able to do both.

It's more than OK to have a visual of the female in your mind. There are just all sorts of ways to convey it. I'm looking forward to more. Stay patient. The reworking is supposed to be the harder part (at least it is for me).

Other thing, it's also OK for her to be self-absorbed, conceited, and disliked. But if that's not what you want, then yes, you should look for other ways for her to express herself.

 

[Varian P]

It's more than OK to have a visual of the female in your mind. There are just all sorts of ways to convey it.

Wise words!

Two ideas come to mind for conveying your narrator's appearance without her seeming too full of herself: another character can say something to her, paying her a compliment on a key feature or two (though personally, I'd be wary of having the main male character do this, at least too early, as it's bound to come off smarmy unless handled just so). Alternatively, the narrator can mention her juicy ass and other attributes, but tempered with a measure of insecurity or ambivalence, such as,

"I caught him checking out my thick, juicy ass. I'm definitely not the girl for guys into the Kate Moss type, but judging by the bulge in his jeans, just the sight of it seemed to be putting nasty ideas into this one's head..."

Wretched, I know, but hopefully sufficient for demonstrating the idea.

-V