New Author Looking for Feedback

[LordBrynn]

Greetings,

I have two stories that were approved recently. I would love to hear some constructive criticism and feedback, from any who have the time.

A Vampire Romance Pt.1 (Non-Human)
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=431100

A Vampire Romance Pt.2 (Non-Human)
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=431102

LordBrynn

 

[FallingToFly]

Wow.

The premise isn't bad- your standard vampire ravishing the sleeping girl story- but you got a little out of hand with the repetitive descriptions. Add in prose so purple I cringed (and I am queen of the purple prose) and it became very difficult to read.

I refrained from voting- I couldn't have rated it better than a 2 and that would have been mean- and I didn't comment publicly.

I would recommend a good editor, and scalpel to the text, and a thesaurus.