new "author" looking for feedback

[yukonnights]

Just posted our first story and would like some of your learned comments. The story title is "How Did I Get Here?" in Loving Wives section. My wife and I collaborate on these and have a lot of fun here on Lit. We are working on a longer "Romance" submission and are trying to develop the characters a bit more. Thanks in advance for any time and effort you share!

 

[fcdc]

For what it's worth, you'll probably want to link to the story. (Put URL tags around the link or use the little globe-and-paper-clip icon in the posting window. I've done it for you with this story, but it will get you more comments if people don't have to hunt the story down.

I've read and will comment at the story page.

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To repost my comments from there, if you've questions:

This is generally solid for a porn-without-plot, with good pacing. As you said in the forum, more characterization will be warranted in the expansions, particularly of Randy. The writing is uniformly solid with only a few nits, and your flow is good except for what I have described below. Please note: This is formal critique. Take what you like; leave the rest if you want.

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Spelling/grammar/style:

'longtime friend Randy' (longtime should be either one word or hyphenated, as in long-time)

'OK' in narration always twigs me; it did here too when you're mentioning Randy's heritage. Just a stylistic comment, though.

Don't end two paragraphs in a row with exclamation points (middle of story), as it takes away from the punch of using just one.

'Satisfied as we had never been in our lives' is missing a 'before,' I think.

'Please fuck me, Aaron. Tonight I want to be fucked by two men.' <- punctuate thus, or similarly (if you haven't used exclamation points nearby, use them there). As it is, you've got a run-on.

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Flow:

I think elaborating at the start of the story would be a little better for the rhythm of the story - as it was, the single paragraph of exposition read a little choppily compared to the rest of the story.

You could also probably cut down a little on some of the pre-shower dialogue, as them bargaining for sex is not really the thrust of the story. Failing that, the dialogue could be used to a greater purpose with deepened characterization, as you mentioned: Give them a conflict in the dialogue, instead of having them all simply agree with one another.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Welcome yukonnights.

You really chose a vipers’ nest in Loving Wives to post your first story. Stories and readers usually divide pretty forcefully between the cuckold style and the cheating wives. If you get lower scores than you expected, you have probably annoyed one side or the other.

The writing style is easy to read, neat paragraphing and few proofreading faults.

Looking at the story, fcdc is quite right; this is a ‘stroke’ story. I don’t know if that’s what you meant, but you don’t give us any character development so we can’tget under the skin of the characters.

However much it is based on your fantasies, I think it would come across better written in third party. We are being told a story, the first paragraph should be taken out and you should start with something startling.

‘He had never seen his best friend Randy nude before. Now he was standing in the shower with his wife holding two naked cocks and rubbing her bare breasts against his friend’s hairy chest. How had it come to this?’

I don’t claim it’s brilliant but it gets us in at the deep end. We want to be there, watching – and, above all, listening.

You need a whole lot more dialogue to make the piece come alive.

As you said yourself, it does seem a bit rushed. A short story here is usually about 5,000 to 7,000 words long. You have much more time to explore the interplay between the three of them. I thought the dildo scene came much too quickly. Surely there would be hesitation, doubt and desire swirling before that happened.

You have good potential, your writing will improve quickly if you start writing a drama rather than telling a story to a group of friends.

But heck, a pretty impressive start,

Congrats,

Elle

PS. You must post an URL link as fcdc said. Folks round here are ready to give their two cents but they’re too idle to go looking.

 

[yukonnights]

Thanks

Thanks to both of you for your comments. When we wrote the story we were afraid it was getting too long. Then when we saw it posted we both thought it seemed too rushed. Thanks for the hyperlink info as we didn't know how to do that and agree that it is a big help. We will definitely work to develop the characters of the next one with more depth.

 

[fcdc]

Thanks to both of you for your comments. When we wrote the story we were afraid it was getting too long. Then when we saw it posted we both thought it seemed too rushed. Thanks for the hyperlink info as we didn't know how to do that and agree that it is a big help. We will definitely work to develop the characters of the next one with more depth.

Sure thing. Here is how you attach the hyperlink absent the button:

[url=http://www.blah.com/linktostory.html]Story[/url]

 

[msharris39]

new story online

i have finally posted a story of mine, i was nervous at first but i said to myself oh what the hell ill neva kno how good i am till i get feedbacks....i am a newbie to writing..

 

[Nasha]

Hi, yukonnights, and welcome.

Your opening paragraph has some attention-getting elements, but you could trimm a bit of fat to make it more compelling, so you grab the reader right off.

I'm sitting here wondering, "How did I get here?" How did a married straight guy end up being bisexual? Looking back...

"I'm sitting here wondering" is superfluous; we don't need to know the narrator is sitting there, and his wondering is implied. I'd go with:

How did I get here?

How did a married straight guy end up... (I'd pick something more concrete than "bisexual," like, "fucking his jock neighbor" or what have you.

seeing my wife naked in front of my best friend only served to intensify my erection.

Phrases like "served to intensify my erection" sound so distant and cool. Choose words and phrases that convey the feeling they're describing, such as

"Seeing my best friend's gaze caressing my wife's naked body made my swollen cock ache even more."

You mention wanting to do more with character development, and I think that's a good idea. As things are now, I know nothing about any of these people, except what they look like, and what turns them on.

When the two men undress to take a shower, you do a nice job of showing the narrator's surprise at his feelings of attraction. But I'm having a hard time believing the way these two men are acting around each other, just openly staring at each other as they get naked, openly letting each other see their hard for each other.

Even if they're both into the idea of experimenting with bisexuality, men who think of themselves as straight aren't likely to act this way. It would make the characters more believable, and add some much-needed tension to your story, to have them be a bit more reticent and shy, at first.

My dick was mashed into the crack of her most beautiful ass

How many asses does she have?

I think this was the turning point. This was the moment in time when I was ready to admit that I was queer.

This may be a really nitpicky thing, but "I am queer" is a very different sort of thought from "Hell yeah, I want to fuck this guy." The former is about accepting an identity, and the other is about wanting to do a particular act in a particular moment. Maybe I'm odd, but that phrase pulled me out of the hot action in the shower and put in the mindset of this guy thinking about who he is as a person. Personally, I'd leave that out, and have the paragraph end with:

I think this was the turning point. As we were all standing there in the heat of passion I admitted to myself that I wanted to suck the big dick that I held in my hand.

I did nothing to stop him as his strong hands explored my private man-hood.

"Private" is redundant there, and manhood is one word.

But more importantly (and related to developing character), does your male narrator really think of his cock as his "manhood?" That sounds like a word a Victorian woman would use. Same goes with this:

opening her legs to expose her most private secret.

Each character should have their own way of talking that's distinct from how the others speak. Rod, tool, pole, etc. sound very different from cock, prick, dick, etc., which sound different from words like manhood. Choose the words you use to help built/reflect the different characters in the story.

Overall, you've got a good way with words and images, when you slow down and take the time. Most of the action felt a bit skimpy, and could be drawn out, with details of sights and sounds and tastes, and most importantly, a sense of how the characters are feeling, physically and emotionally. Make me feel the pleasure, the wary arousal, and I'll be excited by the sex.

Here's a great example:

I straightened up to kneel in front of Randy. He was lying on the bed as I knelt in front of him, my erection a few inches from his face. We looked at each other. I placed my hand on the back of his head and lowered my cock to his face. His eyes were locked with mine as he parted his lips and took me into his mouth for the first time. He closed his eyes and started to suck.

There, the action comes through in vivid detail, and you convey a sense of what these two characters are feeling, without going into their heads and getting all telly. Very nice.

I hope something in there's helpful.

Cheers,

Nasha

 

[yukonnights]

Thanks Nasha

Very helpful. It seems so easy when you say it that way, and much better too. It seems that the main thing we're hearing is to just slow down and let the story and characters develop. You are right about some of the word choices. They are words not in common usage. We were trying to avoid using the same descriptive words over and over. Only so many names for a dick. Do you think it's better to go ahead and repeat the same words throughout the story instead of trying to find new expressions? You're also correct in the use of the word queer. It was our intent to use it in the sense that our "hero" was finally accepting who he was. Obviously we should have spent more time on this as it is important to the overall meaning of the story. Oh well, live and learn. Thanks!

 

[drksideofthemoon]

The first paragraph needs to be broken up.

There's not too much for me to add to what already's been said. The last half of your story was dull, just one long narrative. Use your characters, and dialog to bring the story to life.

If your goal is to simply stroke stories, you'll probably find an appreciative audience. Anything more than that, you're going to have to do some work.

 

[yukonnights]

Thanks drksideofthemoon

We're starting to see that there are generally two broad styles of stories here. On the one hand are the "stroke" stories and on the other are more developed ones with much more thought/effort going into the actual literary proficiency.

We enjoy both for different reasons. As stated above, we're working on a Romance effort and we concur with your last statement- it is certainly more work. Not sure if we have the wordsmith ability needed to be a serious writing team, but where else could we even get such an opportunity. This is a great site with some real good folks putting in a lot of effort. We'll see how it turns out. If nothing more, it helps one appreciate other authors work more. Thanks!

 

[drksideofthemoon]

We're starting to see that there are generally two broad styles of stories here. On the one hand are the "stroke" stories and on the other are more developed ones with much more thought/effort going into the actual literary proficiency.

We enjoy both for different reasons. As stated above, we're working on a Romance effort and we concur with your last statement- it is certainly more work. Not sure if we have the wordsmith ability needed to be a serious writing team, but where else could we even get such an opportunity. This is a great site with some real good folks putting in a lot of effort. We'll see how it turns out. If nothing more, it helps one appreciate other authors work more. Thanks!

If you need help, there are a lot of people around here that will set you in the right direction. Good luck.