new author looking for feedback

[thephoenix2k005]

Hey guys, i've been on this site a while and have read many, many stories and many, many posts and have loved almost everything i have read. Finally, i have wrote my own story and would love some opinions on it.

Thanks, Michael

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=235292

 

[Singularity]

Nice Images, And Some Advice

You bring to life some nice mental images of what is going on, here.

I do have some thoughts as to how you can make a story like this much stronger, with only a little bit of effort.

First, convert from the "I/you" first person/second person format for the characters and make it either "I/she" or "He/she". This makes it easier for the reader to relate to the characters. As a male reader, the 'you' obviously doesn't have much relevance for me. This is a common, and easily-improved opportunity, for beginning writers.

Second, add some dialog. Let the characters speak for themselves, and bring themselves to life for the reader with their own words and thoughts.

Third, you've got some big paragraphs, which can make it hard(er) to read, especially on a screen. Shorter, more punchy and laser-targeted paragraphs will serve you better and help to draw your readers in.

Lastly, and this is the hardest one, is that what you've written is a personal fantasy. To make it a story, you should find a bit of plot or character-interest to hook the reader. This was very hot for you, but as a 'scene' or vignette, it doesn't have much context for the rest of us, to help us understand who "I" and "you" are, and why you are fucking in the kitchen...



I hope this helps.


Sin.

 

[thephoenix2k005]

ok

thats why i love the people on this board, they are so full of help, because really i just wrote this from the top of my head, spell checked it and submitted it and now with this and others, hopefully, i can make it better, into a real scene, which allows others to enjoy it as much as i do. Thank you very much

 

[BlackShanglan]

... it doesn't have much context for the rest of us, to help us understand who "I" and "you" are, and why you are fucking in the kitchen...

As if one needs an excuse.

Good advice, Singularity.

 

[misshum]

I'm with you, Singularity. Good response.