New author looking for constructive criticism

[DanielOC]

Hello everyone, I am a new author here on Lit with one story posted and a second awaiting aproval. I have opened my stories to comments but I have not been getting the kind of feedback I need. I want my future stories to improve and for that I need constructive criticism. I would appreciate it if any authors who have read (or would take the time to read) 'Swimming With My Cousin Andrea' would post their thoughts and give me advice on how I can improve future chapters of this ongoing story.

The second chapter is waiting for approval. It is about twice as long as chapter 1. Thanks to anyone who can give this new author a hand!

 

[kbate]

You have enough grammar errors that I could fill a page with corrections if I wish to.

You have some your/you're problems and some other typos. (siting, barley, etc.)

Verb tenses jump from present to past all over the place and should be edited for consistency.

The four opening paragraphs could be trimmed to:

It was yet another typical summer day in Colorado, temperature in the nineties and broken air conditioner. I expected another day of sitting around trying to stay cool when my cousin Andrea called and suggested we go to the pool.

Andrea and I have been close since we were children but although I have long lusted for her, we have never been more than friends.

 

[DanielOC]

Yikes!

I am sorry about the grammer errors, I did not get an editor and my quality suffered for it. This is a problem I will address in the future. As for the first four pargraphs, I don't care for stories that have short openings like you described but that's just me. Thanks for the comments, my work should continue to improve.

 

[kbate]

I don't care for stories that have short openings like you described but that's just me. Thanks for the comments, my work should continue to improve.

The issue is not the length of the opening, it is the words that say little. In a short story there is no space for fluff that does not advance the story. Simply adding a line because you can harms the story more than it helps. If you want to add lines to the opening, no problem but each should move the story forward and build toward the eventual climax.

The basic rules for short stories are:

Every Paragraph must advance the story,
Every sentence must advance the paragraph.
Every word or clause must help the sentence.
All together it must be one cohesive story, no part able to live without the rest.

Any word, sentence or paragraph outside these guidelines should be deleted or rewritten to fit.


None of the bit about Andrea being a virgin due to being busy; and being a little soft because of her job, and his working outside actually has anything to do with her coming over to swim and get a back rub. The day being hot and the air conditioner being broken does have to do with this. (for that matter being set in Colorado is unnecessary, as the story could take place in Spain with no more than a change of one word.

More attention to how she drives him wild when she removes her clothing and reveals her swimsuit, more about him rubbing the oil onto her back, more about her teasing him in the pool, more about them beginning to ready for sex. These are the places to spend words, bring his torment out and his lust into plain view.

Or just do as you like, I care not either way but it could be a powerful story.

I have not even begun on the adverb usage yet. *smiles wickedly*

 

[GuyJD]

Hey Daniel,

First and foremost
http://bestsmileys.com/welcome/8.gif

Just wanted to suggest to you to not to be discouraged by the errors made in your story. Just be a little more careful in the future. Use spellcheck or keep a dictionary and thesaurus around. kbate seems to be a pretty good critic and IMO, I prefer such critique because it makes a better writer of me. So you might say that you were critiqued by the best.

Trust me, my first story here was just as bad, bro. Although I'm pretty picky with grammar and spelling, I screwed up on the character of my 1st story. I described her eyes as one color and later in the story, I described her eyes as another color. Worst part is that I didn't notice it until it was posted here.......LOL.

 

[DanielOC]

Thanks

Thanks for the advise. I have found an editor for future stories which should be a big help in the grammer and spelling areas. That was some solid adivice about wasted words and moving the story forward. I will keep this in mind for my next chapter.

By the way I posted chapter 2 but I realized too late that I had sent in the original version, not the edited one. Well crap in a hat. I re-submitted it with the edited copy this time. But for a few days at least everyone is going to reading a really jacked up version of my story. Live and learn I guess. Thanks guys.

 

[Kate.E]

Its not like it could get any worse though, eh?

 

[DanielOC]

I guess so

You know what they say: you have to learn to crawl before you can walk. I take it as a learning experience.

What makes me laugh is that my jacked up chapter 2 is getting a higher rating then my first chapter 1. Go figure.

 

[mack_the_knife]

You know what they say: you have to learn to crawl before you can walk. I take it as a learning experience.

What makes me laugh is that my jacked up chapter 2 is getting a higher rating then my first chapter 1. Go figure.

With any luck the people who blasted your first chapter didn't bother clicking on the second chapter, hence they don't need to vote and drive down the score, rather makes sense from that standpoint.

 

[DanielOC]

Could be.

With any luck the people who blasted your first chapter didn't bother clicking on the second chapter, hence they don't need to vote and drive down the score, rather makes sense from that standpoint.

Good point, you might be right about that. Although I would also have to admit that the second chapter has alot more sex and is almost twice as long too. But I have no idea with the second chapter because no one has left any comments.

 

[spyro1123]

It looked like you got a pretty good responce for the first story.

Spelling and punctuation errors, easy to fix.

I agree the intro of chapter one needed some work, it seemed a bit too dry to me. I dont think you should cut it down to a few sentences but i do think you should work some on introducing those details without making it seem like you are just following some kind of formula. Use those descriptions to show how he feels aobut her, ect.

After reading the second one, i think i might jump through the screen and smack you if you talk about her DD breasts again, come up with something else, hell just large would be better I hope that got fixed in the edit.

 

[DanielOC]

It's in the works

It looked like you got a pretty good responce for the first story.

Spelling and punctuation errors, easy to fix.

I agree the intro of chapter one needed some work, it seemed a bit too dry to me. I dont think you should cut it down to a few sentences but i do think you should work some on introducing those details without making it seem like you are just following some kind of formula. Use those descriptions to show how he feels aobut her, ect.

After reading the second one, i think i might jump through the screen and smack you if you talk about her DD breasts again, come up with something else, hell just large would be better I hope that got fixed in the edit.

Don't worry the re-edits are submitted and just waiting for them to posted. I also did some minor re-writing to fix some things like the DD lines. Editing aside, what do you guys think of the story itself?

 

[spyro1123]

Don't worry the re-edits are submitted and just waiting for them to posted. I also did some minor re-writing to fix some things like the DD lines. Editing aside, what do you guys think of the story itself?

Link to Ch 2

I liked the first one better, the second seemed to lack some of the emotional impact of the first.

I feel like Andrea could be developed a bit more in the second chapter, it is her first experiance and yet we dont find out much about her.

Some of the dialogue sounds a little stilted, i always actually read my dialogue out loud to see if it sounds like something someone would really say. For instance i have never called anyones ass "shapely" in conversation.

Andrea sounds fairly clear spoken for someone who is telling her cousin she wants to fuck him, i think she should just say it was ok then do something to show her intrest.

I find "cunt" and tits slightly offputting, it would be effective if you used them at the end during the down and dirty sex. But you started a bit to early and trying to think of a virgin cunt just seems odd.

I think you would have been better served to build things a little more slowly, andrea seems to go from slut to innocent and back again a lot. That is natural, but i think it would be more interesting to the reader if you made it a more liniar progression.

Ha my turn to say you could do without the intro paragraph. I would have either started with the second paragraph then come back for the dialogue and the info in that first paragraph, or i would have started with the Dialogue and combined the first and second paragraphs.

I probably should have waited to comment for the re write.

 

[DanielOC]

Good points

Thanks allot, this is just the kind of criticism I am looking for. As I read your comments I saw your points perfectly where for some reason I didn't see it when I was writing the story. I am definetly going to take your advise in my future writing. This is my first attempt and I really want to improve. Thanks for the helpful advise.

On a side note, as far as Andrea's innocent girl to slut to innocent girl bit let me say this again: this is based on a real story. My cousin did dress like that, she did act like she wanted to jump my bones and then changed her mind. I may not have gotten it accross right because it's told from my perspective. I will work harder to illustrate her feeling in the next chapter.

 

[spyro1123]

Thanks allot, this is just the kind of criticism I am looking for. As I read your comments I saw your points perfectly where for some reason I didn't see it when I was writing the story. I am definetly going to take your advise in my future writing. This is my first attempt and I really want to improve. Thanks for the helpful advise.

On a side note, as far as Andrea's innocent girl to slut to innocent girl bit let me say this again: this is based on a real story. My cousin did dress like that, she did act like she wanted to jump my bones and then changed her mind. I may not have gotten it accross right because it's told from my perspective. I will work harder to illustrate her feeling in the next chapter.

Dont you hate that, i do the same thing all the time. Other times i read what my editor says and decide to ignore them.

The important part is knowing when to change history to make it a better story