New Author (Group Sex): Questions and Feedback Request

[Boonter66]

Hi folks!

I'm 'Boonter66'. I am a tech geek with significant experience writing dry technical prose. Although I occasionally work with an editor, I am usually fulfilling the roles of both creator and editor. I also love telling stories, but until now they have all been verbal.

I am a long-time fan and reader of Literoticia. I recently joined and now have my first story submissions accepted. I'm pleased with the public feedback (comments and votes) but would like to have some feedback from fellow authors. I also have a couple of questions. My story is in two chapters posted in Group Sex:

Desert Debauchery Ch. 01: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=339998
--and--
Desert Debauchery Ch. 02: http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=340050

First, I notice there are almost 9,000 hits on the first chapter, but over 16,000 hits on the second chapter. Since these chapters are 'scenes' of the same play, why would so many hit on only the second chapter? The 'middle' just seems like a poor starting place. What am I missing?

I am very pleased with the public comments on the first chapter, but there is no response to the second chapter. Can you folks help me understand the differences?

I would sincerely appreciated any comments about the story, plot and / or structure.

I do see and wish to fix the couple of typos that snuck through. How can I do that?

Many Thanks and Happy New Year to All,

Boonter66

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

First, to fix the typo, make the corrections and resubmit the story and add the word "EDIT" to the title. The story will appear in the corrected version in 7-10 days.

Secondly, I read Chapter 2. I found it interesting, but the writing was rather dry. You've written in first person POV which places you in the situation of "I", "me", "you", "her". That becomes quite tedious. Also "I" seems more like a robotic cock than anything else. "I" has not flesh or depth in this story.

I love you short paragraphs and wish more new writers would follow that example. It's so much easier on the eyes. However, you did tell the story. It would have been better if you had belayed the telling and let your characters speak through dialogue and tell their own story. That adds interest, depth to the characters and a kind of reality to the story you don't get by just telling.

Overall, not a bad story. Keep working at making you characters real and you will do well.

 

[sr71plt]

Hi folks!

I'm 'Boonter66'. I am a tech geek with significant experience writing dry technical prose. Although I occasionally work with an editor, I am usually fulfilling the roles of both creator and editor. I also love telling stories, but until now they have all been verbal.

I am a long-time fan and reader of Literoticia. I recently joined and now have my first story submissions accepted. I'm pleased with the public feedback (comments and votes) but would like to have some feedback from fellow authors. I also have a couple of questions. My story is in two chapters posted in Group Sex:

Desert Debauchery Ch. 01: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=339998
--and--
Desert Debauchery Ch. 02: http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=340050

First, I notice there are almost 9,000 hits on the first chapter, but over 16,000 hits on the second chapter. Since these chapters are 'scenes' of the of the same play, why would so many hit on only the second chapter? The 'middle' just seems like a poor starting place. What am I missing?

I am very pleased with the public comments on the first chapter, but there is no response to the second chapter. Can you folks help me understand the differences?

I would sincerely appreciated any comments about the story, plot and / or structure.

I do see and wish to fix the couple of typos that snuck through. How can I do that?

Many Thanks and Happy New Year to All,

Boonter66

Reads fine to me. First person is just fine and you remain consistent with that. Reads a little breezy to me (probably the same as Jenny's "dry"), but some people like that style a lot, and I have moods where I write a story in that sort of throwaway, who cares style too. Sort of long on the clinical description and short on the underlying emotions.

Part of the breeziness is that I don't discern much of a story here (I just scanned, though; there might be something significant in the story way hiding in there somewhere)--sort of a California just floaten' along, smokin' pot and fuckin' who and where comes along. That's probably the answer to why chapter 2 has nearly twice the hits that chapter 1 has. Most readers on Lit., seem to drop in for a one-time arousal hit; only a hard core of story readers seem to be following the progression of serials here. Probably just a function of more dropping into Lit. and being enticed by your story the day chapter 2 hit than the day chapter 1 hit. Sometimes the titles surrounding yours on a list also attract or detract to the area of your posting. This phenomenum seems to be in the "shit happens" category.