New Author…. first story

[EmeraldEyz25]

https://www.literotica.com/s/miss-cumslut
Would love it if you could read my first story and give feedback please

 

[AlinaX]

Okay, so it's a short little story. Not sure why you say, "This is titled utility men for a reason." I'd ditch the whole first paragraph, really.

A steady diet of short sentences. Sentence length determines the pacing of the narrative, so learn to vary it to match the mood you're setting.

No dialogue? Okay, new writers (and many old writers) are afraid of dialogue, but they really bring a story to life. Embrace dialogue. Use it to seduce the reader. Ultimately, that is what you want to do.

People arriving at the door one or two at a time reminds me of the scenes in The Hobbit. What would be funny is if Miss Cumslut were waiting for her boyfriend and she has to keep telling the men banging her to hide... only for it still not to be her boyfriend, and slowly the number of men is increasing.

 

[NotWise]

The story reads like a personal fantasy, whether it is or not. You might hope that your readers get as excited as your first person narrator.

First-time writers sometimes get a pass from the content editor on punctuation and other details. The pass doesn't last for long. You should continue writing, but pay more attention to the formalities of construction and punctuation. A longer story would also give readers more opportunity to get involved in the action you describe.

 

[Djmac1031]

So im going to pick just one detail to focus on that you can think about for next time.

There are two times you state in the story that the "utility men" ask questions.

Yet you never state what questions they ask, or why. You just jump to the sex.

Things you put in a story should be there for a reason. If the questions they asked weren't important enough to write about then don't bring it up at all.

But hey, welcome and congrats on your first effort.

 

[SinclairGroupLLP]

I will echo what the others have said. This feels a lot like a fantasy, and the disconnect between the title and that line in the first paragraph is a bit jarring.

Throw some dialogue in, make it flirty, and it will make the scene seem more realistic.

Check your tenses, make sure to keep them consistent, and do a once over and read it aloud - a story this short is easy to read aloud, and any parts that seem odd or don't sound right you can edit.

I would love more description on all the characters. We know the MC is a very curvy, well-endowed young adult, but that's it. Not even her hair color. The men are even more generic. One of them is described as handsome. Another is "gruff" and "old." That was it. We don't get anything more than that, so these could be utility men who are built like movie stars or strippers, or they could be ugly, balding guys with beer guts and bad grooming. We don't know. We didn't even get descriptions of their cocks - which I am not completely complaining about because you could have just said "they're all huge" which is all too common. But a little more description helps to put us all there. Cut? Uncut? Fat? Thin? Which one did she like the most?

Personally, in scenarios like this, where a random woman becomes a slut for a group of men, I like it when the men are ordinary - not handsome or built like models, but the actual kind of guys you'd expect to be working a pole (lol). That she, an attractive, young coed, is willing to take all comers, no matter how they look, adds to the slut angle of the story, and I think spices it up a bit. But that may just be my kink talking, lol.

Last thing I'll suggest is to try to vary your word and phrase choices a bit. For example, you use "one by one" a few times in the last paragraph. "Each" or "They all" would have made it a little better in terms of variety. Repetition can be useful, but there are times when it's clear it's not intentional and that's when varying the choice will help.

Good work! Thanks for sharing it with us. This is what I think most of us would categorize as a stroker - not a ton of plot, just a lot of sex.