New and wanting feedback (DONT WE ALL!!!)

[Heather McLeather]

Hello fellow writers of Literotica.

I have just recently signed up as a member, and as such, posted 2 stories.

Only one has been accepted so far, because I only just sent out my second piece, but I'll let you know when it's done.

Anyway, I would appreciate feedback. Bad, good or ugly, doesn't worry me at all.

It's a basic straight to the point story with plenty of sex and enough detail to keep the imagination running.

Don't expect romance of any kind, because you won't find it!!!

Thanks,

Heather McLeather Read my story here

 

[hiddenself]

I tried, but the formatting is messed up. The sentences run on into the blue border and quite a few are unreadable. Is it just me?
hs

 

[waterkemist]

I did not care for your story that much, I thought is was too much in his mind. For my taste, try more dialogue and more action. However, some of the emotion you touched on did seem real and I could sense the conflict of the man. I think if one can get the emotion right, then the rest of the story will follow. Just one person's opinion, keep writing.
I am new here too, and you can read my story, "The Unexpected Christmas Present."
-Waterkemist

 

[Heather McLeather]

I tried, but the formatting is messed up. The sentences run on into the blue border and quite a few are unreadable. Is it just me?

Hi! Thanks for your replies guys! Just letting you know that the formatting on the page is fine. I had no trouble with it when I went in to have a look.... have another try if you want???

 

[LunarSolstice]

Heres my feedback, welcome or no...just things that popped out at me in the story...

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Steve loved being a security guard. He was employed at the local supermarket for night shifts and loved it there.
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Repitition. Brief editing would have revealed the need to correct this simple error.

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She was by herself and very, very good looking.
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You can add a paragraph of verys and they wont convey half the emphasis of a well placed synonym. Very is a throw away word, ex it from your vocabulary in writing. Here is a list of better replacements gratis Microsoft Word: extremely incredibly awfully exceptionally exceedingly especially.


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Dotted section dividers that go all the way across the page
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This might be the formatting error somebody previously mentioned. Dont try to have dotted line breaks across the entire length of the page, because what may look good on your browser looks like shit on many others. Try to ask for a Horizontal Rule to be put in its place if you need one, or a simple *** gets the point across.



Okay, no offense, but after this my eyes crossed and I could only speed read about every tenth word, but I got the basic point. It's acceptable, but it isnt erotica, its the script from a porn flick. Not to say that there is especially anything wrong with that, but you wrote the epitome of the classic erotica cliche stroke piece.

You didnt defy any conventions, providing your man and woman an unrealistically engorged member and unrealistically engorged sexual appetite respectively, then again of course, maybe were some women to discover this man's endowments, the former would inspire the latter.

It doesnt have to be Shakespeare, but without character or plot development you basically have two ambiguous entities bashing uglies for no apparent reason, and the only climax you have in the story comes accompanied by a thick, gooey white fluid.

While your story isnt garbage, I dont think it will inspire many to want to read more by you when they can get basically the same plotline with pictures at their local porn store. I would highly suggest creating richer characters, a plot line that includes character pathos outside the fact that they are horny fucks, more believable dialog, as well as light editing.

Write something that you as an author can get pulled into and enjoy as you write, and I suspect your readers will too.

Anyway, just my $0.02

 

[Heather McLeather]

Well, Lunar dear. You have found me!!! LOL

Not at all offended by your comments, all are welcome.

First point, I did realise AFTER I had sent out the story that the first sentence was repetitive. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do about it.

As for the very very... yes tacky I agree.

I will make two excuses for my story and the my current writing "skills".

1. I am very new to this genre of writing, and have no idea what I am doing. That should make up for both points, really!!!

2. I like porn!!! The way I see it, if my story is getting someone off, it's good enough for me!

Thus, the intention to make it as unbelieveable as possible.
How many people would ever get this lucky!!?? (I do realise his appendage was massive, by all standards)

Thanks again for the feedback, it's appreciated.
Maybe, when I've had more sexual experiences, I may have a better understanding. It was just a fantasy put on down in words. Maybe I need to get out more.

 

[gauchecritic]

Well it made me smile all the way through Heather. I'm not going to give you a detailed critiique because you don't really want that do you?

I'll tell you a couple or three things I think you can use.

First don't sit down at the keyboard and start writing the first thing that comes into your head. It shows.

Even though it made me smile it didn't make me hard and that's what you really want to know isn't it?

There was nothing wrong with the fantasy situation or the sizes involved (it's your story after all) I got a good picture of both in my head. That means to me you took time in building the scene.

Then you skipped ahead to the end of the shift and that is where you began rushing the entire thing, spoiling a pretty good piece up to that point.

What makes a sex scene hot is the anticipation and tension. If you can make your reader stay with the you through these parts then the sex scene is a bonus. You didn't include these parts.

Personally I wanted to know a lot more about the girl and her motives which you could have brought in whilst the guy was waiting for his shift to end.

The sex scene would have benefitted greatly from some lengthier descriptions. Quality not quantity. Having the guy come (was it 3 or 4 times?) was unbelievable. I could have coped with that if the fucking hadn't taken about 30 seconds to perform each and every time.

There is nothing wrong with writing stroke, that's what I write, it's what I like to read, so carry on but take more time.

Gauche

 

[LunarSolstice]

Well, Heather, that is what Lit is for, to help improve writing. There are several volunteer editors that you might want to run your story by before submission who could suggest corrections or help to expand on what you have so far.

And my comment about stroke pieces, that wasnt meant to be derogatory, god knows thats what Lit's first appeal to me was. But like Gauche said, it was a bit quick to jump the gun and we dont know why the girl was so gung-ho to dive into a bout of fucking with this random man.

It read to me like you were really wanting to just write a quick erotic scene, and to repeat advice Ive read elsewhere, if thats what you are in the mood to write, write it. But afterwards, dont submit it yet, put it on the backburner and come back later and flesh out the important parts of the story. To also repeat advice from KarmaDog I believe, wait a week before submitting, and at the end of the week, go through your work and read it for errors, things that need to be corrected, et al. Because then your no longer the author, but the editor.

Anyway keep it up, and as a postscript, no I dont like Back to the Future, just a big quantum theories dork...

 

[geraldf]

I was very aroused my this story, despite the lack of character development. I loved your description of the girl when he first sees her. Also the desription of when he first enters her and of her orgasm. Very nice. I always thought a bonnet was something you wear on your head, though. Good luck.

gerald

 

[Heather McLeather]

....just a big quantum theories dork....

Ahaha! You dork! Nah, I'm kidding.

....always thought a bonnet was something you wear on your head, though.

LOL! Well, I'm an aussie. So a bonnet is what you would call the hood?? of the car? I didn't realise that it was a slang term, or maybe it isn't.. I'm not sure.

It would certainly make the story a little unusual if she actually was sitting on a bonnet in the sense you know it!!!!

 

[Sweet_Candi]

I just finished reading your story and for the mostpart I found it to be quite good. You had my attention throughout most of the story and your structure and grammar were good also.

The ONLY thing that I couldnt get past was the idea that they were having sex on the hood of a car....in the middle of a parking lot at a grocery store? There was no mention whatsoever about any passersby or that they had an audience of any kind (and lets face it.....you'd definately have an audience in real life). I would have capitalized on the fact that they were in public....either that, or have them meeting elsewhere.....that part just didnt seem very believable to me and I kept waiting to read mention of the fact that they were in public.

All in all though, I thought the story was very good. Keep it up!