Never Had an Orgasm. HELP!

[Justcurious1337]

I've been with my man for a significant amount of time (almost a year). He's huge and absolutely amazing in bed! However, I am really inexperienced (he's my first) and I've never really touched myself. He's used toys on me, gone down on me, and we have tried multiple sex positions. The poor guy has tried everything and I just can't orgasm. I have gotten to the point that I fake them, but I think he knows. He turns me on so much, but I just can't!!! Ladies, please help!

 

[bailadora]

If you can't orgasm on your own via masturbation, I think that's your starting point.

For now, I'd recommend just getting to know your own body. What kinds of touch feel best to you? Depending on your mood, sometimes you may want firmer vs lighter. For now, I'd also encourage you to not concentrate so heavily on reaching orgasm, although that is your ultimate goal. Doing so may help to remove the mental pressure to reach orgasm (which can be a block in and of itself).

Instead, relax, concentrate on the sensations, enjoy them for what they are and for how they make you feel. Let your thoughts roam and focus on the things that rev your engine. If you're having trouble, read an erotic story or three, look at nude pics, or watch an erotic video to encourage fantasizing. Many people tend to think of orgasm as merely a physiological function, forgetting that our brains are our biggest erogenous zones!

It might take awhile to discover what finally trips your trigger, but if you accept that as part and parcel of the process, it will hopefully help to alleviate some of the stress you feel. And once you know your own body, you can then help your partner understand the type of stimulation that works best for you. Good luck and happy exploring!

 

[silverwhisper]

no offense justcurious but if he's your first, how can you possibly know how good he is? :> sorry, just a nitpick.

if he's got even two brain cells to rub together, he wants you to be happy and sexually-satisfied. it sounds like he does and that's beautiful--but please don't fake with him. not because it's dishonest--although it is--but because it provides incorrect feedback. and if he really wants to please you, faking tells him to emphasize the wrong thing. besides, lies are never a good foundation for important parts of any healthy relationship.

and bail's right: if you don't know what makes you feel good, how on earth are you ever gonna help him get you there? :>

ed

 

[suckonsimon]

Justcurious, here's a guy's take.

Give yourself space and time with this and enjoy the sex meanwhile. One day this is just gonna happen for you, probably when you are 'trying' the least.

Please think about not faking. You just giving him lots of indication that what he's doing is a pleasure to you will keep him pleasured just fine. No man wants his woman to fake a climax. Talk with him about that if you can.

I started a thread about orgasm through penetration only - you can click onto it from the list of threads in my signature below here. There may just be some pearl of wisdom from someone to help or affirm you there.

While you wait for the time this is going to happen for you, be assured: you are a lovely sexy woman; I can tell that from the one opening post of your thread.

Simon

 

[Harold_Hill]

I've been with my man for a significant amount of time (almost a year). He's huge and absolutely amazing in bed! However, I am really inexperienced (he's my first) and I've never really touched myself. He's used toys on me, gone down on me, and we have tried multiple sex positions. The poor guy has tried everything and I just can't orgasm. I have gotten to the point that I fake them, but I think he knows. He turns me on so much, but I just can't!!! Ladies, please help!

Look for your G-spot and stimulate that with your finger, or better, have your man/boyfriend stimulate it with his finger. That should lead you to learning how to orgasm. It can take time to figure out where and how to stimulate that will lead to orgasm. When you have intercourse, the ridge on the head of his penis should be stimulating your G-spot. He may be keeping it too deep and not giving you proper stimulation.

 

[subwannabe]

He can't be that amazing in bed if you have never had an orgasm. As others have said, you don't have anything to compare him to so how would you know? Just as a 16 year old don't usually wind up being married to her first boyfriend, you need to look at this relationship as being your first lover. Too many women make the mistake of trying to make it work with their first boyfriends or lovers instead of using the process to find Mr. Right.

 

[bailadora]

While Simon and Harold bring up other options worth exploring, you should be aware that it's been said that up to 80% of women can't orgasm from penetration alone; they also need to have their clitoris stimulated. Since most research indicates clitoral stimulation is the most reliable way for the majority of women to achieve orgasm, I'd recommend you concentrate most of your exploration there, for now.

This is not to say that women can't orgasm from penetration or gspot stimulation, but those types of orgasm may be more difficult for you to achieve at this point in time.

As you explore and learn, you're going to find references to many different techniques you may want to try. And while it's good to be open minded, I also want to caution you to be on guard against making any one thing the be all, end all of sex. For example, several years back g spot orgasms were all the rage, and there were many women lamenting the fact that they could *only* orgasm through clit stimulation. These days, squirting is the fascination du jour, and there's all sorts of advice out there on how to achieve this new holy grail of sex.

Don't get me wrong, exploration of different techniques is a good thing. That said, if any one avenue doesn't pan out for you, please, please, please don't take it to mean that you are somehow defective. It just means that particular technique may not be effective for you (either in the moment, or ever).

As for faking? Yeah, probably not the best idea. I know you want spare his ego, but the fact of the matter is it IS misleading. Instead, be honest with him. Ask for his patience as you learn what makes your body soar. If he's a lover worth his salt, he'll give you time and room to do just that, and will offer whatever support he can to help you.

 

[bailadora]

He can't be that amazing in bed if you have never had an orgasm.

Insufficient information.

I get the point that since he's her first, she doesn't have any other points of reference for comparison, but at the same time it also sounds like he IS trying his best to see to her pleasure. Since there are many selfish people out there who could give a flying flip about their partner's sexual satisfaction, let's at least give him an A for effort.

 

[satindesire]

you should be aware that it's been said that up to 80% of women can't orgasm from penetration alone; they also need to have their clitoris stimulated. Since most research indicates clitoral stimulation is the most reliable way for the majority of women to achieve orgasm, I'd recommend you concentrate most of your exploration there, for now.
*respectful snip*

Listen to this woman. She's a smart cookie!

 

[fire_breeze]

I've been with my man for a significant amount of time (almost a year). He's huge and absolutely amazing in bed! However, I am really inexperienced (he's my first) and I've never really touched myself. He's used toys on me, gone down on me, and we have tried multiple sex positions. The poor guy has tried everything and I just can't orgasm. I have gotten to the point that I fake them, but I think he knows. He turns me on so much, but I just can't!!! Ladies, please help!

Welcome to lit

First off, you're not defective. Many women cannot orgasm through penetration alone, and it takes (usually) a very long time to figure out what works for you with him. Clitoral play usually helps. A lot.

Being huge is not automatically a marker of someone being good, but your partner do

I really would like to echo what Baila said: masturbate. Get to know your own body on your own terms. And no, you should not feel ashamed or guilty or that you're somehow cheating on him or that it means that he is good enough.

You should not depend on him figuring out how to make you orgasm. I am sorry, but it is not his job. He can definitely (and should) be part of the process, but you also need to experiment on your own.

Faking it: not good. It's a blow to his ego plus it's giving false feedback. BUT! Not having an orgasm during intimate moments isn't the end all. If you are both enjoying each other, are attentive to each other, then sex can still be amazing without the Big O.

Also, communicate communicate communicate. Tell your partner what you like, dislike, enjoy. Tell him move faster or slower. Encourage him and have him encourage you. If you cannot talk about sex, if you cannot tell what you like and don't, then it has always been my opinion that you shouldn't be having it. So talk to him.

And for what it's worth, it's only with my all that I was able to orgasm with someone that wasn't self-directed.

Be patient and have fun. You'll get there.

He can't be that amazing in bed if you have never had an orgasm. As others have said, you don't have anything to compare him to so how would you know? Just as a 16 year old don't usually wind up being married to her first boyfriend, you need to look at this relationship as being your first lover. Too many women make the mistake of trying to make it work with their first boyfriends or lovers instead of using the process to find Mr. Right.

It takes many women years to figure out how their bodies work. Just because she hasn't orgasmed with her current partner does not mean that he isn't attentive, considerate, and selfless in bed. It just means they haven't figured out the right combination. There are two people involved here, and they both have to do their part.

She isn't planning to marry the guy (or maybe she is). She is enjoying herself in bed, and from what I can glean, her partner is trying his best to please her - why should she dump him? If sex was bad, if he wasn't listening to her, then yes. But she wants to have an orgasm, and she hasn't really masturbated, so how would she know what works or doesn't?

 

[LallyH]

I agree with the positive comments below about learning to stimulate yourself physically, and I wonder whether emotional and mental stimulation would help as well? Is there a particular fantasy that you enjoy that you could imagine whilst you're stimulating your body? If you can use your imagination at the same time, it may heighten the enjoyment your body is getting through physical stimulation and also distract you from worrying about whether or not 'it' is going to happen?

Just a thought - good luck!

 

[Justcurious1337]

Thanks for all your help guys. I'm EXTREMELY shy, like almost to a fault. I didn't want to tell him he's not getting me there, mainly because I don't want to hurt him. Also because I have NO IDEA how to even approach that kind of conversation! I think my biggest reason for not masturbating is because I didn't want my first orgasm to be from...well..myself. What you say makes sense though. Porn is kind of a turn off to me, perhaps because I'm shy? Just because he's my first doesn't mean I don't know that he's good in bed. Pretty sure I can tell the difference between a guy who tries to satisfy me, and a guy who's just in it for himself. Is there any way to get past the possibility of it being a mental block? I'm 28, it can't be normal for me not to have had an orgasm :-/

 

[Harold_Hill]

In addition to knowing how to stimulate properly during sex, there is also an emotional element involved. I think him being your first has little to do with it, and I have no doubt that he turns you on sexually, but for a reason I can't explain, some women can't orgasm with one partner, and can with another. I have known women who have been married for years and never had an orgasm, (and just assumed they couldn't), then after becoming divorced, had their first orgasm with their next lover. There seems to have to be a particular emotional compatibility between partners in addition to being sexually compatible.

The point I am making is don't blame yourself for not being able to orgasm, it is likely a situation that will correct it's self in time. Just focus on enjoying this relationship, and let nature take its course.

Also, you just posted that you are "EXREMELY shy", I think this is likely part of it. If you are shy, even though you may not notice or realize it, you may be holding back just enough to prevent orgasm. To get past "the possibility of it being a mental block", (as you put it), just forget about trying to orgasm, and enjoy the experience. In time it will correct its self. There is so much to learn in life, and you are just starting. Take your time and smell the roses along the way. Don't try to learn everything in a day.

This statement, ("I'm 28, it can't be normal for me not to have had an orgasm"), tells me that you putting too much pressure on yourself to perform. Sex is not as sport, it's a relationship, relax and let it come to you.

 

[suckonsimon]

"How to approach having that conversation" ...

Justcurious, you are doing really well here, opening a thread and responding as you have done to what people have offered. So your thread can be kind of 'practice' for that conversation. I know it will be so different with your man, in real life; but this will help some!

How about you let him know that you do want to talk with him about making love but you feel really shy and nervous about doing that and 'please will you help me and understand if I struggle as I have never done anything like this before' ?

You will have a sense of whether you can trust him with your vulnerability on this one, or not. Have the conversation anytime except just after you have been making love or just before you expect to. Any other time!

A good man will count it a real privilege to be confided in in such a way, and a good man with be there every step of the way with your attempts to open up with him about this.

Yes, lovely, do see, if you trust him, if you might open up to him like this. And don't worry about the process of it causing you embarrassment or more emotion than you expect; some kind of release like that, with him, might help prepare the way for another kind of 'release' with him, actually! Who knows.

Simon

 

[fire_breeze]

Thanks for all your help guys. I'm EXTREMELY shy, like almost to a fault. I didn't want to tell him he's not getting me there, mainly because I don't want to hurt him. Also because I have NO IDEA how to even approach that kind of conversation! I think my biggest reason for not masturbating is because I didn't want my first orgasm to be from...well..myself. What you say makes sense though. Porn is kind of a turn off to me, perhaps because I'm shy? Just because he's my first doesn't mean I don't know that he's good in bed. Pretty sure I can tell the difference between a guy who tries to satisfy me, and a guy who's just in it for himself. Is there any way to get past the possibility of it being a mental block? I'm 28, it can't be normal for me not to have had an orgasm :-/

Honey, it takes quite a bit of time for women who do masturbate to figure out what works for her. Therefore, as you don't really play with yourself, it will take time to figure out what you like.

Please be rest assured that you are very very very VERY normal. In fact, as many suggested, the more you fret about not having an orgasm, the more you will not. See, by worrying you are putting pressure on yourself and you just won't perform. That is, quite simply, the secret of getting past the mental block. Be in the moment, enjoy yourself and don't be afraid to express yourself.

As for the conversation, a simple "I love being in bed with, you turn me on like I've never felt before, but there are times that I am having trouble reaching the peak. Maybe we can figure it out together how to rock both of our worlds" would be a good start. You have to be comfortable with discussing sex with your partner. What if he does something that completely and totally turns you off or if it hurts? Communication is the foundation of trust. If I find I cannot communicate, then I am not comfortable. Communicate and be comfortable with him... and with yourself.

Also, communicate with him while having sex. If he is doing something he likes, a simple "yes, right there" will do the trick, or "that feels good, a bit lower". Hell, you can even moan louder if he does something you like and moan softly if he does something you don't.

Not everyone is into porn, so there is nothing wrong with not liking it. It has nothing to do with being shy but rather what turns you on.

However, I will reiterate: you cannot expect your guy to know what you like, to give you an orgasm if you yourself don't know. I understand the romanticism behind it, and I get it, but it is not fair to you and to him to put that kind of pressure on you both. Maybe your first orgasm will be with him. Maybe it will by you. Maybe it will be while you leaning against the drying machine while reading the newspaper. I don't know. But you cannot expect that your lovemaking be like what you read in the bodice-rippers. I am sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but orgasms are as much of self-love and letting yourself go and figuring out what works for you than it is the right technique. After all, if the general consensus of women and men who answered suggested that you get to know yourself, well...we can't be all wrong !

I will repeat. You are very very normal. While granted what you are going through most went through at an earlier age, the point is that most of us did go through what you are experiencing. You are not a freak, deformed or have something wrong with you. You are a very normal young lady who is just beginning her sexual journey. Age has nothing to with it .

 

[satindesire]

Honey, it takes quite a bit of time for women who do masturbate to figure out what works for her. Therefore, as you don't really play with yourself, it will take time to figure out what you like.

I will repeat. You are very very normal. While granted what you are going through most went through at an earlier age, the point is that most of us did go through what you are experiencing. You are not a freak, deformed or have something wrong with you. You are a very normal young lady who is just beginning her sexual journey. Age has nothing to with it .

*respectful snip*

I want to stress this right here. You aren't weird at all to not be able to orgasm. So much of sex in our culture today is so penis-and-male-orgasm centric that we don't even mention or show the clitoris in most fiction, media, erotica and sex ed.

I could go on a tanget about how sexist this is, but I don't want to stir up another witch hunt for Teh Evil Feminazi Satin again.

Anyway, focus on yourself. Be patient. BE. PATIENT. I can't encourage this enough, it can take YEARS for many women to figure out their own orgasm, so you have to be kind to yourself honey. You'll get it eventually, I promise!

 

[Justcurious1337]

Thanks ya'll you have all been very helpful, and very kind. I didn't think I would find kindness, of all things, on this forum.

 

[subwannabe]

Just to reiterate what someone else said, most women do not orgasm from a penis thrusting in and out of their vagina. They need clitoral stimulation. You may have the wrong expectations of orgasm if that's what you were expecting to happen.

 

[jomar]

Follow all the good suggestions here and if still no success look into the possibility of anorgasmia. Best luck!