never been in this situation before.

[cryforme1v]

ok well this is actually a really sad situation and i dont really know how to handle it. I dont know the whole story, i didnt even know she had cancer until today-I just knew she was sick and was having surgery.

My boyfriends grandma has had cancer for about a year. Her surgery went well and she survived but she is still in the hospital. Today, i spoke with the boyfriend, and he told me she is non-responsive. His mom wanted to talk to me so he handed her the phone and she was crying <Completely understandable>but i didnt know what to say to help comfort her and make her feel better.

I guess long story short, how do i comfort them? Should i be there in person with my boyfriend? Should i go to his moms and help with the cooking/cleaning? What should/can i do to help?
I feel completely helpless in wanting to help. I want to fix this but i cant.

I asked the boyfriend if he wants me to come down <only an hour drive> and he told me its not the time. I'm not sure what he means but if im goin to be in the family, i should be involved in the family, including the family crisis's? right?
I should be involved in trying to help, granted its a terrible time, but iwant to help!

 

[Georgesowner1]

what is your relationship with the boyfriend's mother?

If it's at all close I would go, pack a gift basket for the family; fruit, crackers, snacks etc. Maybe a small cooler of drinks for them so they don't have to buy drinks out of the vending machine.

If there are children or pets that need to be picked up or dropped off make the offer to do that.

Do you think your boyfriend says it's not the right time because he is afraid you won't be able to be there for the funeral if she were to die soon?

Don't get your feelings hurt if they are not very welcoming, right now they are scared and worried. Social niceties may not be at the forefront of their thoughts. Be prepared to drive down, express your concerns/sympathies and turn around to drive home.

 

[poisonedLust]

I do think you should give them some time,but call them make sure they know your there for them, and I honestly don't think there is anything to say..try to stay in contact with his mom if you have a good relationship but dont be pushy.another thing once you do go see them take initiative you know like make some tea, buy him groceries and little things with out being too much in their face.just keep your ears open,and your mouth shut I mean think about it how many times can a person hear I'm so sorry, she was great woman, you will get through it..(I'll be here, im with you, I love you.. these are good things)
good luck

 

[qrayze]

I do think you should give them some time,but call them make sure they know your there for them, and I honestly don't think there is anything to say..try to stay in contact with his mom if you have a good relationship but dont be pushy.another thing once you do go see them take initiative you know like make some tea, buy him groceries and little things with out being too much in their face.just keep your ears open,and your mouth shut I mean think about it how many times can a person hear I'm so sorry, she was great woman, you will get through it..(I'll be here, im with you, I love you.. these are good things)
good luck

I agree

it's always best to just listen until asked your opinion

 

[tocurpussy]

The best way to show comfort to them is to just be there for them. At times like these people just need someone to be able to talk too. I relize this might be uncomfortable for you by not really knowing what to say, but really the most important thing is to just be there to listen. Thus the fact your boyfreinds mom wanting to talk to you on the phone. She just wanted someone to talk too. Can't tell you to drop everything and go to them. That is a call you need to make on your own. Just use your best judgement on that. One thing you could offer to do is be the contact person for the family that keeps everyone notified of any and all updates as to the condition Of the grandma. Like other relatives and freinds that might not be close to visit the hospital. That would no doubt be a big help to the family

 

[Chica91730]

It is really just best if you wait until they ask you for some help instead of take it upon yourself. My husband just went through cancer and I know people wanted to help out but it was annoying having people just show up to help me when I just wanted to be left alone with him while he went through this. i would just let your boyfriend and maybe his mom know that if they need anything you will gladly be there for them in this time of need. I know you have good intentions but wait for them to invite you in. This way you will be welcomed instead of forcing yourself in and that could cause resentment and problems between the mom or the boyfriend and you because while you want to be family you aren't yet so just wait. They will need you soon enough.

 

[SweetErika]

It is really just best if you wait until they ask you for some help instead of take it upon yourself. My husband just went through cancer and I know people wanted to help out but it was annoying having people just show up to help me when I just wanted to be left alone with him while he went through this. i would just let your boyfriend and maybe his mom know that if they need anything you will gladly be there for them in this time of need. I know you have good intentions but wait for them to invite you in. This way you will be welcomed instead of forcing yourself in and that could cause resentment and problems between the mom or the boyfriend and you because while you want to be family you aren't yet so just wait. They will need you soon enough.

I agree with this. Feel free to suggest specific ways you might help (bringing meals for their fridge/freezer, cleaning, running errands, etc.) along with your blanket offer (or anything else), but other than that, wait until you're invited. And don't be offended if you're not. People deal with stress and grieve differently.

When my mother-in-law died, I tried to take my husband into my arms, and he ran out the door of the hospice. I was shocked because I want physical comfort in that type of situation, but I had to realize he just needed something different. He wasn't rejecting me, he was trying to comfort himself. And while she was sick, I just tried to cater to his needs, even when they involved being left alone. It was hard to do that for 18 months, but the whole thing wasn't about me or us, it was about him and his family.

So, be supportive, but remember you aren't part of the family at this point and this is not the time to try to insert yourself or have your needs/wants met. It IS a time for you to be selfless, helpful and a good listener.

 

[cryforme1v]

I agree with this. Feel free to suggest specific ways you might help (bringing meals for their fridge/freezer, cleaning, running errands, etc.) along with your blanket offer (or anything else), but other than that, wait until you're invited. And don't be offended if you're not. People deal with stress and grieve differently.

When my mother-in-law died, I tried to take my husband into my arms, and he ran out the door of the hospice. I was shocked because I want physical comfort in that type of situation, but I had to realize he just needed something different. He wasn't rejecting me, he was trying to comfort himself. And while she was sick, I just tried to cater to his needs, even when they involved being left alone. It was hard to do that for 18 months, but the whole thing wasn't about me or us, it was about him and his family.

So, be supportive, but remember you aren't part of the family at this point and this is not the time to try to insert yourself or have your needs/wants met. It IS a time for you to be selfless, helpful and a good listener.

i can see what you all are saying and yes i agree with it. I have just never been in a position like this so figured i would ask and get some insight.
They are going to the hospital tonight, and i offered to watch the dog for them and the grandbaby <my boyfriends nephew> while everyone went up to the hospital. They rejected both but appreciated the offer. They are takin the grandbaby with because they think it will be good for her to have his presence around. He's only a few months old so it wont be traumatic on him.

Now another predicament that falls from this one.
My birthday is in 2 weeks. How do i convince the boyfriend that we dont need to do anything? He's got this big elaborate date night thing planned for us.
Dinner movie hotel room candles the whole 9 yards.
Now if his grandma dies, i know my boyfriend will still try to go through with this - he's a stubborn ass sometimes because he thinks he's got to keep every little promise he makes. But with something like this - its a promise he can break without feeling guilty.
Should i keep trying to convince him not to worry about it, that we can do it some other time or just drop it and let it go through? I dont know-might be a good way to get his mind off things maybe?
Right now i want him to concentrate on family, not my birthday. And every time we talk he mentions it. Is he trying to get his mind off of whats happening and onto something positive?
He's such a sweet guy and i dont like seeing him hurting or feeling responsible for everyone elses pain.

 

[cryforme1v]

but remember you aren't part of the family at this point

i know i'm technically not part of the family, but in a sense i am.
My son, who is 5, calls him Dad and is very attached to him and vise versa.

I'm not saying i dont agree with you- i'm technically not part of the fam but we have been considered part of the fam for some time.

BAH to delicate situations!

 

[cryforme1v]

that sounded really bad too, my last post i mean.
I dont mean it to sound selfish or like "dammit yes i am" but thats the way it came off. I was just meaning to explain a little more in depth our relationship.